crash...

so… AC stopped by the other day… he’s thinking of moving to Seattle – don’t ask me why, he just likes to move and being the depressed person he is, it’s fitting that he would want to move to one of the most depressing looking places in the country

of course I don’t want him to… because it sucks enough that EVERYONE else has moved far far away – I don’t really want him to leave too

however we don’t get to see much of him anyway… so with email and whatnot it really won’t be THAT much different – other than the lack of surprise trips to Danbury for fish and chips that he sneaks on me a couple times a year – also he never stays in one place for more than a few years and this is where all of his family is… so he’ll probably be back eventually anyway hehehe

why does any of this mater? because in order for him to save the money he needs to make the move, he’s thinking of crashing here for a while

this worries me for several reasons – first of all he’s stayed with us before and it wasn’t exactly what you’d call a pleasant situation.. for me anyway hehehe

you know I’m a creature of habit… and I need order and routine

HE is a fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy – used to being single and living alone with nobody to answer to, ever

we both think our way is the only right way and look at you squirrely if you feel differently – last time he stayed with us he turned the blades on my vegetable peelers because according to him they were on backward… he thought he was doing me a favor – he WASN’T!! he’s always trying to be helpful when really what he’s doing is the opposite of helpful – but it’s hard to get angry at someone for trying to help, ya know? hehehe

another time he just vanished – we had no idea where he went and we were really starting to worry… eventually we even called his mother to see if she knew what had happened to him… then SHE started to worry!!

I felt bad about that when he came back 3 days later and we found out he had run into an old friend and they took off to the city for a long weekend (see, fly by the seat of his pants!!)
which, ya know – FINE with me! get the hell outta my house for the weekend – but could ya at least leave a note or call so we don’t think you’re (as our parents put it) ‘dead in a ditch somewhere’??!! – we would have enjoyed the time alone a lot more had we not been worried sick!!

but like I said he’s used to living alone and not having people at home who are concerned and notice when he’s missing

anyway – what’s that they say about houseguests and fish? he’s no different than any other houseguest – but he knows he’s always welcome here anyway hehehe

if he does stay here it will certainly take some maneuvering on our part – trying to make the place… I dunno – BIGGER!! it’s one thing making room for someone to stay for a few days – it’s something else altogether making room for someone to stay for a few MONTHS!! we’ll have to do some rearranging… of our house AND our lifestyles – but it’s doable…. and could help with the cost of heat this winter to have someone else around to chip in

actually that would be kinda nice!!

I don't know what the plan is at the moment - we’ll see what happens

I do know one thing though... after a few months of him staying here I bet I won't feel anywhere near as sad at the thought of him moving 3000 miles away!! haaaa

journey to the end of the earth...

or at least it seemed like it - in fact I was surrounded by water a lot of the time so I guess in a way I WAS at the end of the earth

who knew the end of the earth smelled so much like the end of your digestive tract? seriously no offense to any Bronxonians(?) Bronxites? Broxosauruses? – whatever, but the place smells like hot open ass!!

on a more positive note however, on Tuesday I gave Mother Teresa a run for her money… ok maybe not!! but I did comfort the sick, feed the hungry AND still had time to take in a baseball game!!

I guess I should begin at the beginning huh?

I’ve MENTIONED BEFORE that my grandfather has Alzheimer's… (actually it's THIS it's just easier to say Alzhimer's because you've heard of that) haaaa
anyway that post pretty much explains how quickly he has deteriorated over the last year (seriously… a year ago he was JUST starting to have trouble remembering where the bathroom was and stuff like that)

over the next several months not a lot really changed until about 5 months ago that post was written almost exactly 4 months ago – 4 months ago there was hope that he would be able to be brought around to a semi-functioning state

anyway… because he lives a good 2 hours away from me and because of several other issues (mainly the fact that I’m a fucking mental case and am physically incapable of peeing in unfamiliar places) I have not been able to visit him – in fact he had a birthday at the end of May that I missed because I got my period the day of his party and well… anyone who’s ever had their period knows you pee a lot when you first get it – so I could not be that far away :(

I was pretty upset… but also not - because I’ve questioned all along whether I want to see what’s become of him or just remember him the way he was… selfish as that sounds – for some reason I’m like super sensitive to unpleasantness and it tends to I dunno… consume me!! – plus I CRY… no make that BAWL and I just really questioned whether or not that would be good at a birthday party haaaa my emotions were already on a hormone roller coaster – add the fact that my sister and niece were visiting and I knew they were leaving the next day and I was pretty well shot…

anyway because in the state my grandfather is in I can’t call him directly – and since my family is kind of fucked up, I’ve been trying to keep tabs on him through my sister, through my one aunt – which surprise surprise turned out to not be working very well

I thought everything was going pretty smoothly and he was pretty much the same as he was at his birthday – no major developments… in fact I had spoken to my sister who told me he was taken to the ER – for what turned out to be a bladder infection... but that he was going home that day

a few days later I sent him some cookies and a card I had made him

little did I know that the same day he left the hospital he went right back in… I guess he fell (my aunt suspected he tripped over the catheter they gave him because of the bladder infection)

anyway… needless to say I was not too thrilled to learn that he had been in the hospital for over a week and nobody bothered to tell me - and not only is he in the hospital but he's on a feeding tube - because he wound up with aspiration pneumonia due to having so much trouble swallowing!!

so that's a bladder infection, pneumonia, feeding tubes and catheter that nobody thought important enough to inform me of...

I don’t really know the protocol in these situations… apparently I’m supposed to call everyone every day for various updates (you get different information depending on who you speak to)

so since I learned that the grapevine is no way to keep tabs in my family I’ve been more on top of things…

and Tuesday my mother took the day off and I was FINALLY able to go visit him - forever putting to rest any question of whether or not I’ll feel better if I do… I can now say without a shadow of a doubt that seeing my grandfather like this, is something I NEVER EVER needed for my own satisfaction or closure or whatever BS people spew

I will say that I’m glad I went JUST and ONLY just because when he was told I was there he did seem to respond like he was glad… sort of – he took my hand and kissed it… sort of
I’ll take that to mean he was glad to see me – of course I could just be making that up to make things easier on myself

because what I saw was so upsetting that all I could really do was cry – and I didn’t want to do that because I REALLY don’t see what good it does – if he does have any clue what’s going on… I mean who wants to know that they look so awful that the mere sight of them makes people break down

if he was actually glad to see me – then I can only imagine he was equally UNglad to see my reaction to the sight of him!!

put it this way… I saw pictures of him from the first week of June where he looked pretty much ‘normal’ or the same as I remembered from Christmas... he was dressed normally, walking, talking (although much of what he said didn’t seem to make sense) – he was ‘well’ enough to live at an assisted living home - which is pretty much just a place where they have 24/7 supervision, but are free to walk around and live pretty normally – they only let you live in places like where he was if you can basically take care of yourself (eat, pee etc.) basically it’s like 24/7 daycare for adults

NOW… he’s skin and bones… seriously he looks like he’s spent 6 months in a concentration camp or something... and like I said he’s on a feeding tube and has a catheter - he’s pretty much unable to form words – my aunt tells me that is because of the drugs they have him on (to keep him sedated enough to stop trying to pull out his tubes) so all he really did was kind of writhe around and sound like he was trying to say something that sounded more like groaning…

he hasn’t had a shave in what looks like weeks, his hair seemed dirty… his face is sunken in – and his eyes are all watery… ya know how sick old people’s eyes get? Gah!!

he did seem to realize he had company… and he kept looking like he was trying to get up – but like he couldn’t figure out how to stand even if he could… which he can’t

honestly he looked miserable!! and I can NOT get that image out of my head

obviously at this point hope has gone from the thought that he’ll be semi-normal to hoping his suffering ends quickly – but alzheimer’s being what it is… he’ll probably hang on indefinitely, slowly wasting away ~sigh

although apparently if they can get him on a more permanent feeding tube (the kind that goes through your abdomen rather than down your throat) they should be able to stop sedating him so much… in which case he would perk up and be a bit more like himself

I hope that’s true!!

and I hope he had no clue of how upset I was!!

on second thought… I guess I really wasn’t all that comforting to the sick =(

on the way home we were both in need of something to smile about – so we took a detour to THIS PLACE - which is located just down the road from where my grandparents used to live (where I was born) they have the absolute BEST rotisserie chicken and cole slaw EVER!! but it’s mostly a nostalgia thing… there’s not a lot to miss about Long Island but we ALL miss that place - so it was worth the detour!! especially since it’s been 15 years since we last made it out that way and who knows if we ever will again =(

the only problem is having to drive all the way home with that delicious aroma wafting through the car!! and I was STARVING!! I hadn’t eaten anything all day except a bit of white cheddar popcorn I bought on the way down – so while we were at the chicken place I bought some corn bread to hold me over (and to help absorb the excedrin I had to take because the little headache I woke up with had by this point turned into a screaming, pounding, throbbing NIGHTMARE!! plus what goes better with chicken and ribs than some nice corn bread?! (normally I would make my own… but I was NOT making anything that night!!)

anyway - after the chicken place we started back toward home… but somehow took a wrong turn and ended up going by Yankee Stadium

ok so I didn’t actually see a ball game either… but it seemed like I was outside the stadium long enough!! it took us over an hour to get past the place!! I’m guessing that is because there was a game scheduled for that evening… although it WAS only 3:30 at that point

meanwhile it was about 95º - we DID have AC in the car – but since we weren’t really moving, it wasn’t really working

at some point I saw what my mother tells me was the Empire State building (at least I think that’s what she said… my brain was pretty well shot by then) although it was kinda hard to make out on account of all the haze… or car exhaust… or fumes from the bog of eternal stench - I’m not really sure

strangely being stuck in traffic wasn’t really bothering me… there is certainly plenty to look at - between the buildings (some of which are actually quite beautiful), the maniac drivers, graffiti… people peddling bottled water in the middle of the street

I saw a man with a sign that said ‘HOMELESS and HUNGRY’ so I had my mother open her window and give him the last half of my white cheddar popcorn and the 5 remaining pieces of the cornbread I had just bought (so I may not have comforted the sick or seen a baseball game… but I DID feed the hungry) or at least that’s what I’m telling myself… although my mother assures me he probably traded the corn bread for drugs haaaa WHATEVER – so I’m a sucker!!

once we FINALLY got past the stadium it was pretty much smooth sailing the rest of the way (pretty much)

did I mention at some point some guy basically side swiped the rear driver’s side of our car? no real damage though (THANK GOD!!) I don’t think I could have handled dealing with the whole accident report BS!! as it was we didn’t get home until 6 o’clock!!

we started our journey at about 9:30am – were at the hospital for about an hour – and didn’t get home until 6pm – the detour for chicken only added about 30 minutes to our trip… anybody care to do the math and figure out how long we were in the car that day??

3 more hours and I could have been 2 states away visiting Ohio friend!!

say it aint so...

ok I’m about ready to give up on my beloved television!! first they cancel Jericho – then they cancel Carpoolers, then Moonlight and Men in Trees

they aren’t doing the World Series of Pop Culture this year…

and now Grissom is leaving CSI???

seriously if I wasn’t so addicted to Big Brother, House, Big Bang Theory, Fear Itself, LOST and Swingtown I think I would just unplug the idiot box altogether!! hehehe

speaking of Swingtown… have you been watching it? if not you totally should!!

anti-fatite...

so like, I’m in the dunkin' donuts parking lot, eating a muffin and drinking a cup of coffee – when a rather fat girl pulls up next to me… I look over and think ‘oh yeah, SHE really needs to be eating at dunkin' donuts!!’

of course then it occurred to me that she could easily be thinking the same thing about ME!! haaaa

cause I’m rather fat too – ya know? probably fatter than her even!!!

I don’t know what bothers me more – the fact that I’m STILL so damn critical despite my constant effort to NOT be

OR that I (as a fat girl) am apparently an anti-fatite!!

10 questions...

if you’ve ever seen Inside the Actor’s Studio then you’ve probably heard the questionnaire James Lipton asks at the end of each interview – where we learn, among other things, the favorite curse words of our favorite celebrities

the way I see it, it’s unlikely that I’ll ever be asked to appear on inside the actors studio for my chance to tell James Lipton… and the world, MY answers to these fascinating questions

that hardly seems fair… I mean I’m just as important and at least as interesting as Steve Buscemi or Jodi Foster or Hugh Laurie or Sally Field

ok maybe not… but I’m definitely as important and interesting as… Kevin Costner or Selma Hayek or Eddie Murphy or Jennifer Lopez!!

so it’s only fair that the world get to know MY answers to those VERY IMPORTANT questions!! however if I expect anyone to hear them I reckon I’ll have to ask them myself haaaa

so I will!!

but you have to pretend that I’m sitting on the edge of a stage, swinging my legs and chewing a big juicy wad of bubble gum as James Lipton is asking the questions in that intensely serious, ridiculous manner that makes him so amusing…

ok here we go…

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?
me: HOPE!
JL: What is your least favorite word?
me: HORNY!! I HATE that word… I hate it so much I can’t even stand to say it
JL: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
me: apparently a lack of time – I always seem to have a creative bug and the best ideas when I’m otherwise and unavoidably occupied – seriously though... NATURE!!
JL: What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
me: chaos - drama - noise
JL: What sound or noise do you love?
me: crows
JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
me: there isn’t any one specific sound… just too much noise - busy streets, large crowds… situations where I can’t focus or hear myself think
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
me: COCKSUCKER
JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
me: I think I would like to write and illustrate children’s books... or be an elementary school art teacher
JL: What profession would you not like to attempt?
me: anything unsanitary… I couldn’t stand to feel ‘contaminated’ all the time haaaa

and finally...

JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
me: WELCOME HOME!!



*POP*

update...

I thought I should explain the stuff in the 'vision board' post below – since SOME PEOPLE seem to have issues with my choices!! hehehe

namely the car – but I’ll get to that in a minute

I think the words are pretty self explanatory – I want to be healthy, I want my creativity to flow more freely, I want to feel forgiveness toward certain people for certain unpleasant crap that has happened in my life, I want serenity and like everyone else - I want prosperity – not to a ridiculous degree… I’d just like to be comfortable and not have to scrimp to get by

the house… I don’t necessarily want THAT house… just a brick house, one story, preferably with arched doorways and or windows

I want LOTS of trees… hence the pic of trees

I want a butterfly bush… specifically the kind in the picture (top center)

I want a pool!! I grew up with one (not quite THAT pretty) and I miss it… I miss swimming and would like to be able to just walk out my back door and do it whenever I want

also I’ve always wanted a waterfall… there was a store near here with a huge waterfall INSIDE and ever since I was a little kid I thought it was just the most awesome thing – I’d LOVE to have a waterfall like that inside my house… but I’d be happy to have one right outside... or as part of my pool hehehe

I want an aquarium or five… do you see a theme here? I LOVE water and fishies and stuff like that – I had a really nice aquarium with pretty little fish that I LOVED – but when we moved out of our old apartment I had to get rid of it =(
now I’m ready for a new one

I want a fireplace (wood burning) - another thing I grew up with and miss

I want a brick or stone patio… it doesn’t HAVE to have a fireplace but it would certainly be a plus!! I’d like it to have walls with different levels and shelves built in for plants and stuff

now the car… the car in the picture is a Chrysler 300 – every time I see one I just think it’s about the sweetest looking newer car… I rode around in relative style while I was growing up… my family had nice, smooth, QUIET cars and that is what I was used to

but since I’ve grown up and we’ve gotten out on our own our cars have been less than smooth and for the most part far from quiet haaaa

don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for what we’ve had and some of our cars have been pretty cool – but sometimes I long for a car that doesn't rattle my bones every time we drive over a twig, also that you don’t have to crank the stereo up just to hear it – our current car is about as close as we’ve gotten so far… but the Chrysler 300, to me, looks like the kind of car where you can’t help but be comfy… where if you closed the windows you wouldn't hear a bit of road noise... I like it because it’s pretty and looks reasonably luxurious without being ridiculously expensive

however… as I was telling Brian… the car I REALLY want and have ALWAYS wanted is this:


but I was afraid to put it on my vision board… for fear ‘the cosmos’ would get the wrong idea… in most minds hearse equals death

although Brian assures me it's NOT cute at all… I think this is just about the cutest… most awesome looking car I’ve ever seen!!

on a related note... something I would also like but I didn't include because I didn't want the wrong idea floating around out there... I would like my house to border an old cemetery - there is no place more peaceful than an old cemetery!! so Brian if ya thought the car was freaky... whaddaya think of THAT?! hehehe

anyway there ya have it - now... if you haven't already, go read the post below so ya know what the heck I'm talking about hehehe

vision board...

a vision board is basically a visual reminder of the things you want… so that you can focus on them – I guess the idea is that if you spend time actually focusing and thinking positively about the things you want… that you will attract them into your life – kinda like daily affirmations

ya know… "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

if you say it often enough eventually it will be true hehehe

anyway – I NEED visual reminders (to-do lists and whatnot) to keep me focused so I’ve been saying I’m going to make a vision board for a while… but we have very little space in our house to hang things, so I’ve been procrastinating on the whole idea because I don’t see the point in making a vision board that I have to keep under the bed or in the closet... oh wait we don’t have a closet (maybe I should put one on my vision board) hehehe

like I said, without a place to keep the vision board what is the point in making it? but I got an idea… what is the one place that I see every day?

this thing!!

so I decided to make a ‘virtual’ vision board and use it as my desktop background!! brilliant, right? I have my moments – it’s as simple as swiping images from the internets and pasting them onto a background in a program like Photoshop (which most people seem to have) or in my case PSP (cause I got it at a yard sale for a quarter)

anyway – it will be a work in progress but there are limitations here as opposed to a REAL vision board which you could wallpaper your entire house with if you wanted to… I can only make images so large on here so I’ll probably make multiple ones over time… this one is kind of a long term goals type of thing - some things I want and thoughts I want to focus on...

as sort of an afterthought I figured I’d share it with you guys (not that you are an afterthought... I just didn't think of it as a bloggy type thing originally) but what is more blogeriferous than a bunch of pictures of my hopes and dreams? so as I make more I’ll probably keep links to them over at the right - but for now here is my first attempt…

click..click…clickeroo


p.s. since I was planning to only use this on my desktop I didn't pay attention to where the images came from (for credit purposes) but most of them were found through google image searches...

not my week....

thank god it’s a short one!! seriously it’s one of those weeks where if it doesn’t end soon I’ll be lucky to make it out in one piece hehehe

not only am I overdue for my period, making me all bloated and cranky and icky feeling... but Tuesday I went out with my mother… and locked myself out of the house!!

I had to cut a hole in my kitchen window screen to access the latches on it so we could pop it out to get to the window to open it (which thankfully wasn’t locked!!) then I had to have my mother crawl through the window to let me in – thank god she was home and I didn’t just accidentally lock myself out while everyone was at work or I would have been SCREWED!! there’s no way I could climb up into my kitchen window… not without REALLY hurting myself anyway… it would require standing on something to elevate myself and well lets just say I have an issue with heights… like I don’t even wear heels because they’re too high off the ground!! hehehe

then yesterday I had a doctors appointment – Sam had put in to get off work at 2pm so he’d be sure to be home in time to get me there… then they sent him on a delivery that had him out on the road when he should have been getting off work!!

so he had to pick me up in his work truck to take me to the doctor

keep in mind I have a hard time getting into a large pick-up truck and on more than one occasion have hurt my shoulder/neck so badly trying to get into AC’s pick-up that I was basically useless for DAYS

(I have issues with all of my joints… I think it’s some kind of birth defect… seriously)

and Sam’s work truck is HUGE… MUCH larger than AC’s pick-up… it’s probably like 3 feet off the ground and the door is weird with the wheel well in the way of being able to get in without lifting yourself over it – there’s a very small step to put your right foot on for leverage to lift your other leg up over the hump – but I’m short… and fat… and my arms are ridiculously weak… like I can barely pour water from a gallon jug without spilling it because my arm gets shaky it’s so weak!! haaaa

there’s a reason why most truck drivers are men… or really burly women – regular girls are just too delicate haaaa

so anyway I had to try to lift my fat ass up into this truck – pulling myself up with my right arm… thankfully there was a cinder block nearby for me to get a head start with!! I stepped up onto the cinder block and then put my right foot on the truck step… and thanks to that stupid wheel well, could not seem to get my left leg past my right and into the truck – it took me 3 tries just to get in there

and I could tell I hurt my shoulder doing it so I was NOT happy!!

but as soon as I got in there I kinda forgot about my shoulder because I realized I was WAY up high in the air… and I couldn’t imagine how I was ever going to get down!! – like I said… afraid of heights!!

the doctors office is just a few minutes away – when we got there I decided I had to just do it!! so I opened the door and slid out… landing with most of my (considerable) weight on my right foot

which consequently jammed my right hip (or at least that’s what the chiropractor said) to me it felt like I broke it or something – I was immediately hobbling (more than normal) haaaa

I have trouble with that hip anyway… probably from years of favoring my left knee – which I’ve had PROBLEMS with since I was little – because like I said I have joint issues (my knees, hips and ankles sometimes give out on my or come out of joint… they always have but the older I get the more painful it becomes… I’m sure the extra weight doesn’t help!!)

anyway… OUCH that hurt!! so needless to say I wasn’t looking forward to getting back into the truck to go home!!

but I did… and this time my left knee (the really bad one) nearly went out on me – thankfully it did NOT or I’d be worse off than I am – I DID however pull a muscle in my right arm and tweaked my right shoulder

by bicep feels like I lifted a car off a baby and my right shoulder/neck is so tight it feels like it might snap haaaa

thankfully it doesn’t hurt very bad most of the time… BUT that leads me to forget about it and then use my arm for strenuous activities… such as opening doors and wiping myself

which obviously are NOT ordinarily strenuous… but they sure as hell feel that way today!! it’s not that bad though… a little TOPRICIN and some rest and it will be right as rain in a couple days… I hope!! hehehe

then this morning I thought – HEY as long as I have that screen out of the kitchen window it would be a GREAT time to do my biannual window cleaning as it seems I neglected to do it earlier this spring – so I brushed off the screen, temporarily duct taped over the newly cut gash, cleaned the inner and outer window ledge and tracks of their winter dirt and spider webs and replaced the screen… then went inside to secure the latches and in doing so managed to RIP MY FREAKIN’ FINGERNAIL… well below the comfort zone!! it’s not as bad as I initially thought… I trimmed the nail as short as I can but it’s still broken and jagged and it’s just a matter of time before it catches on something and rips to the bleeding point… or worse – OUCH!!

and believe it or not Sam has had an even worse week – thanks to them being short staffed and stupid he’s had to work long LONG hours in the heat and a lot of aggravation – for example yesterday… like I said he was supposed to get off at 2 to bring me to the doctor… but instead he took a detour in his work truck to bring me and then rather than be off after that he had to continue his route… they sent him on a wild good chase with the wrong directions and he didn’t end up getting home until twenty to 7!!

we had a chiropractor appointment at 6 neither of us could afford to miss (especially after what I had just done to my shoulder and hip… AND with the holiday weekend coming and them being closed Friday and Monday) so we had to rush to get there before the place closed

which meant we didn’t get home to eat dinner until after 8 – we’re just not that cosmopolitan – we’re kinda geezerish… we’re more the early bird special types than the ‘pick me up at 9’ types… our little tummies can’t take dinner after 6!! haaaa - especially on a work night when we have to get up at 5 or 5:30 the next day

unfortunately today doesn’t seem any better for him either - he’s currently stuck an hour and a half away on the side of the NYS thruway with a broken down work truck – oh yes I foresee a looooong, miserable, sweaty day ahead for him!!

which makes me feel bad… while I sit here in my nice cool AC - so my plan is to make sure this weekend is as relaxing as possible… especially for Sam

thank god it’s almost here...

in fact it's just about time for me to start the relaxation plan in motion – I think I’ll put on the 4th of July Twilight Zone marathon (WOO HOO) and clean the house...

have a GREAT weekend everyone!!

OOH I almost forgot ~ A LITTLE SOMETHING to keep you all entertained =)