yuck...

the weather was soooooo amazing for so long I guess I got spoiled – the weekend was GREAT – we spent most of it outside (more about that another day) it’s been chilly at night – in fact we bought a bunch of veggie plants for the garden last weekend and were keeping them in the shed at night for the last week because we were getting frost

this time of year I usually keep the windows open at least part way to get fresh air in the house – I like nice cool fresh air when I’m sleeping!!

but last night Sam closed all the windows for some reason – when I asked him why the hell he did that, he said he thought it would get cold!!

huh? it was like 85º yesterday how the hell cold did you think it was gonna get??

anyway… I woke up this morning feeling like a had a hangover – I was sticky and gross and clogged up and headachey and just generally yucky

and whaddaya know… so was he! - serves him right for closing all the windows – haaaa - it wouldn’t have mattered anyway though… when I woke up this morning (around 5am) it was 63 sticky, humid degrees out!!

AC weather!!

that’s ‘upstate’ NY for ya though – one day you have heat on and the next it’s AC (sometimes you wake up and need heat and go to bed needing AC)

anyway… it’s soooooooooooooooo humid I could puke!! I HATE humidity!!! seriously I can’t stand it!! – Sam sometimes talks about having a sauna or going to a sweat lodge and I just look at him like he’s got 3 heads – who the hell wants to sweat on purpose?!!?!

he says sweating is good for you – BAH!! that’s crazy talk!!

I didn’t come here to squawk about the weather though – I just wanted to pop in and say that my sister and niece are visiting this week – so I’m not sure how much time I’ll have for blogging

but I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say once they leave – or at least I’ll need to vent a lot anyway haaaa

that's my man....

so last night we had a thunder storm which knocked out our cable, internet and phone for several hours

it’s funny how I often think I’d get so much done if it were not for those three distractions… yet when I was left without them I sat there with no clue as to how to occupy myself

we still had power so Sam and I ate dinner and watched a couple episodes of Get Smart, which we have on DVD (borrowed from his step father)

but then we got bored and found ourselves sitting silently staring at the menu screen of the dvd – after a few minutes Sam picks up a notebook and starts writing…

I ask if he’s writing me a love note… he says no

=(

then he says that because I had mentioned making him a to-do list earlier that he thought he would do the same for me

GREAT!! ~rolls eyes~

after a minute or two he hands me the notebook… (below is a re-creation of the 'conversation' that took place... via writing back and forth)



I handed the notebook back to him, telling him that due to grammatical errors, this list was unacceptable – however he should feel free to correct and resubmit his request some other time…

so he started a new page...

speak of the devil...

so yesterday we had Sam’s mother (we’ll call her Bea) and sister (we’ll call her Kay) over here for kind of a belated mother’s day lunch – and Kay informs us that she’ll soon be starting a new job… working at THE PEDOPHILE’S STORE!!

apparently she didn’t get the memo about how he’s a dangerous sexual predator – I didn’t mention in my 3 part mega post last week that this guy is an equal opportunity pervert – he’s one of the rare ones that doesn’t seem to discriminate on the basis of sex or age… anyone he can overpower works for him

it has even been rumored that for a while there he had let two teenage ‘runaways’ live in the basement of his store in exchange for sexual favors… let me rephrase that – I KNOW two teenage girls were living in the basement of his store… the rumor is the assumption that it was in exchange for sexual favors

over the years he has had MANY young women/teenage girls working for him – and I have heard from several of them how on nights when they worked until closing he would find a way to get them alone and put the moves on them

many girls have been forced to quit by their father’s because of things he’s said or done – this is what I meant when I said that it’s widely known in this town that this guy is a creep!!

this is NOT someone you want your wife or daughter working for – Kay and her husband are not from here though and I guess I never made it clear that they should stay away from him

I’m pretty sure that when they moved into town a year or so ago and mentioned that store I told her she might not want to shop there – I believe my exact words were, ‘I wouldn’t shop there if I were you… unless of course you don’t mind supporting the guy who molested your sister in law’

I thought she knew – I mean EVERYONE knows… but I guess since she didn’t ever live around here I never bothered telling her...

well she knows now!!

and the ‘funny’ thing is – as soon as she mentioned the job and Sam told her about him, she said right away that the guy had kind of creeped her out – I guess what happened was she had gone in there in person and inquired about a job, at some point during their conversation she mentioned how convenient it would be since she only live a few minutes away, off of ‘x street’ which his store is adjacent to…

the next time she spoke to him, he mentioned her ACTUAL road… she was sure she had NOT been that specific with him, that all she had told him was that she lived OFF of ‘x street’ which is LONG and has many MANY roads leading off of it from both sides – so HOW did he know which road SHE lived on?? (the job is off the books, therefore there was no application or paperwork)

even though she knew better and it creeped her out, she told herself she must have told him her road – you know how it is when you are inclined to second guess yourself

she has a tendency to get creeped out by people and just think it’s in her head – but after hearing what we had to say, she said that maybe she should pay more attention to her gut

YES - I always say GO WITH YOUR GUT!! if something feels wrong, it probably is!!

anyway – I don’t know if she still plans on taking the job… of course I HOPE not!! I don’t want him involved in any aspect of my life – even if it is just as my sister in law’s employer!! and I would HOPE that she would not want anything to do with the creep who molested her sister in law – but I would understand if she did take the job, because the distance and the hours would be very convenient for her – it’s not like there are a lot of options out here (basically it’s either that store or the gas station if you want evening hours) anything else and she would have to drive at least 20 minutes away and probably work much later hours

even though she lives right down the road from us, we really don’t see much of them – and obviously I don’t intend to go into the store (I haven’t set foot in there in like 20 years) so I probably won’t know what she decided – but we did tell her, if she does decide to take the job that she should never under ANY circumstances let him near her (4 year old) son… and she should never allow herself to be alone in the store after closing!!

my hope is that if there was still any question in her mind, that she went home and told her husband what we said – and he put his foot down and won’t let her work there

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I wish this motherfucker would just drop off the face of the earth so I never have to be concerned about his actions again – if she thinks it creeped HER out that he knew what road she lived on, trust me - it creeps me out more!!

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he knows EXACTLY who she is and EXACTLY where she lives – he’s a creepy creepy piece of shit… and I wouldn’t put ANYTHING past him!!

I HOPE HOPE HOPE she thinks about what we said, then follows her gut and never sets foot in there again

something nice for a change...

after all the ugliness I posted over the last several days I thought it might be nice to focus on something more pleasant for a while =)

soooo - every spring a bird makes a nest in the rafters of my mother’s side porch and lays a bunch of eggs - one of this years eggs hatched the other day and the cutest little baby bird popped out

it’s kind of hard to get a picture of it because of the position the nest is in... and I'm totally afraid of heights - so I had Sam stand on a milk crate to try to get close enough to get a picture - he had to kinda just hold the camera up toward the nest and click and we didn't want to blind the poor little thing with the flash so we didn't keep trying for the perfect shot - but this one KINDA gets the point across as to how fluffy and adorable he is...

~ you know the drill - click to see the big picture ~


maybe once the rest of them hatch I'll try to get a better picture - the mother is very protective though - she FREAKS out if we hang out for too long, so I try to leave them alone - but it's hard when they're so fuzzy and cute!!

anyway... so much time and so little to do - have a GREAT weekend everyone!!

part 3...

for parts 1 & 2 go HERE and HERE

so I get home from school and my mother asks me if he ever touched me and I said yes – and she looked… shocked I guess – actually I don’t know what the look was… I think she was hoping to hear a no from me because that would mean there was a chance my sister was lying or mistaken or something

at some point my sister and I were both in the kitchen and my mother told us social services was going to come speak to us (that’s the law - when a child reports abuse, the school is mandated to report it)

she then proceeded to freak out, saying that if the rest of our family found out my grandfather would kill him… and did we want grandpa to go to prison?

of course we didn’t want our grandpa to go to prison… we love our grandpa… he’s the only normal, healthy male role model we’ve ever had

another thing my mother said was that we would be taken away and put into foster care… and the thought of that was pretty scary (better the evil you know… ya know?)

and that IF she somehow managed to be able to retain custody of us we would be homeless and destitute – because she worked in his store and basically he supported us (and we were NOT used to going without)

she managed to lay a lot of crap on us in the short time between when I got home from school and when social services showed up – I don’t remember if it was that same night or not

I SEROUSLY hope they have come up with a better way of dealing with situations like that nowadays – because offering a parent who wasn’t doing a bang up job to protect her kids in the first place a chance to get her kids to lie isn’t a real great idea – actually sending a kid HOME to a place where they claim they are being abused… without some kind of outside supervision seems crazy to me

so anyway we were asked to lie to social services… to tell them that all it was, was that we had seen (the pedophile) walking around in his underwear and that it made us uncomfortable

and so that is exactly what we did – because we thought it was either that or never see our grandfather again – and or we would be thrown in foster care and or wind up homeless (because obviously we couldn’t turn to family or my grandfather would end up in prison for murder)

this meant that it was NEVER to be mentioned to anyone in the family – once we told our story to the social workers and stuff it was pretty much supposed to be hushed up

FYI – social services KNEW we were lying – but apparently there wasn’t much they could do about it

they did investigate further… unfortunately he has friends in high places and they hit road blocks everywhere they turned (including with the police)

I guess her plan was to continue living with him while she tried to put into action a decent plan to leave (set us up with a place to live and a means of support) and as she puts it, keep a better eye on things while we were still in that house

so we lived there for another 2+ years – while she put together buying the house where she currently lives, and opening a business

I’ll give her this… if I recall correctly she did quit drinking upon finding out about him – which made keeping an eye out, easier – and she did put everything she had into buying this property and setting up that business so we could move out of there

too little too late if ya ask me… in my opinion (and I’m sure everyone would agree) we should have been free to tell the truth, my grandfather is not a freakin’ murderer under any circumstances - we could have lived with our grandparents instead of foster care and she could have stayed with him (if she HAD to) to bide time until she could set us up with a place to live or whatever

but I’m sure to her that wasn’t an option because I think she would have sooner died than move back in with her her parents or have them find out about any of this… (mainly my grandmother) I think she felt like she would never live it down… my grandmother had a way of needling you with your shortcomings – she was a loving and generous woman but she could also be kind of hurtful

she was the kind of person that would tell you (in not so many words) that you are fat and then offer you a cookie – well that was how she needled me anyway hehehe if she could see how fat I am now she would be making it her life’s mission to ‘help’ me lose weight

but she was always good to us kids… maybe she didn’t always treat us fairly (it was obvious she had favorites) even my sister, who always got the short end of the stick as far as affection from my grandmother goes, agrees we should have gone there – that we would have been loved and well taken care of – she wasn’t abusive or neglectful… she just had a way about her, like a lot of old ladies

in a way I do understand WHY she would be reluctant to go to her parents with this problem… if she felt like my grandmother thought she was a fuck up, this was certainly not going to prove her wrong - but in my opinion you swallow your damn pride if you have to, to protect your children and give them a better life – no ifs ands or buts!! no matter how it makes you feel… no matter WHAT kind of crap you have to endure over it… you just DO IT!!

certainly what DID happen (having us lie and continue living there for another couple years) didn’t prove she was any less of a fuck up!!

protecting your children and doing what’s right is a darn good place to start if you want to redeem yourself… but maybe she didn’t feel like she should need to redeem herself – as fucked up and worthless as it seems she feels about herself – I’m sure she also feels like anything that may have been said over the years to make her feel that way, wasn’t justified

it’s a vicious cycle!!

so anyway – we continued to live there… things were not great – my sister was getting into quite a bit of trouble and I was sick all the time – starting with the minute my mother asked if he ever touched me, my nerves were shot – the investigation and everything else did not help!

my hair started falling out, I started breaking out in hives… BADLY!! I started getting HORRIBLE migraines – and eventually started have wicked insomnia!!

I was petrified at night and scared to death of the dark… I was unable to put so much as a pinky off the edge of the bed for fear of… I don’t know what! but it was… petrifying!!

I actually had my tv rigged so that I could turn it on with a string (this was back in the day before remotes… or at least before EVERY tv had a remote) if I woke up in the night having one of my episodes and my tv was off, I had a string tied to the button so I could pull it on… and if I wanted to turn it off I used one of my crutches, which I kept in my bed ( I had crutches because I have knee problems, they used to pop out of joint, making me unable to walk for days at a time so I always had my crutches handy)

eventually I completely rearranged my room so that the light switch was within the parameter of the bed (so I wouldn’t have to reach outside of the safety zone to turn the light on)

keep in mind we’re talking about 13/14 year old, not a little kid!!

anyway… for about 2 years we lived there as if nothing was wrong… I don’t recall being molested at all during those years – although I could be blocking it out… but it’s possible that the pedophile got the scare he needed to back off – not that he stopped abusing children… I’m sure he didn’t – people like that don’t have it in them to just stop… but as far as I remember he wasn’t abusing me (can’t speak for my sister)

during the time we lived there his son lived with us… who was a very troubled kid – I’m not sure of his age I want to say he is about 5 years older than me – so if I was 13 he was 18… one night he got REALLY wasted and went ape shit in the house… talking about how much he hated his father

he walked into my room, covered in blood (from having just punched out a mirror) hugged me (which he never did before… we didn’t exactly get along) and said ‘I’m doing this for you’ – I have no idea what that meant… but he seemed very serious

he went away for a while… then came back as if nothing had ever happened!!

so obviously it was kind of a crazy house

actually my mother should have left his sorry ass long before – even if he never laid a hand on her kids – they fought rather violently throughout the years – I remember one time (before I had my own room… I was probably 11 which means my sister was probably about 9) the two of us having to go out to the living room and stop him from strangling her - one of us actually broke a lamp over either his head or his back

that lamp later became a family joke... my mother often said that next time we should be sure to go for the other one... (they were UGLY UGLY lamps)

anyway - afterward my mother went back to bed and he had a busted eyebrow or fat lip or something – and I stayed up to ‘smooth things over’ by patching him up and making him an ice pack – THAT is how deep my desire to do whatever it takes to keep the peace is, that I would play nurse to a pervert in order to defuse the situation

my mother never knew I did that until years later… but you’d THINK the REST of the situation would have been enough to motivate her to leave… I don’t know… and I can’t pretend to have any idea what was going through her head (probably a blood alcohol content so high she didn’t remember any of it the next day)

so anyway there we lived in the crazy house… until the time FINALLY came to move… now this was the first time we had moved since I was 5 years old… I remember not really grasping the fact that we were really moving and that we wouldn’t be going back – I think that is because my mother was maintaining her relationship with the pedophile… she was still working in his store part time and I think still ‘dating’ him

she claims this was for financial reasons – who the hell knows

I know we were still ‘shopping’ in his store (taking what we needed) at that point… I distinctly remember his son working there one day and we went in to pick something up and my sister confronting him (they were always much closer then he and I were) about his father… he didn’t know what to think… I remember him asking me if it was true and I said yes, just like I said yes to my mother – it caused quite a stir in the family but in the end they seem to have remained loyal to him – that doesn't surprise me

I should mention that in the meantime my sister confided in my aunt (we’ll call her big bird) about the whole situation, making her promise not to tell my grandparents

I don’t think my sister was back in her car yet before big bird was over there telling them the whole story – so the secret was out to my family which caused a whole ‘nother big stink

but guess what – as I suspected, my grandfather didn’t murder him – and my grandmother didn’t go ape shit on my mother (that I know of) everyone was hurt – at that point my sister and I really didn’t want to tell the grandparents, we knew it would hurt them and serve no real purpose, we were already out of the house, ya know? I don’t really know WHY she told my aunt – but if you ask me (or my sister) my aunt sucks big hairy monkey balls – nobody likes her… she should just go eat worms!!

anyway a while after we moved out of there (not sure how long) but it was after everything was out in the open with everyone - it must have come to my mother’s attention that we could sue him for damages for what he did to us – because the complaint was reported and filed legally and whatnot – even if someone is not convicted – if there’s reasonable cause to believe the allegations are true you can file a civil suit (kinda like the O.J. case where even though he wasn’t convicted of murder he was still able to be sued civilly)

suddenly my mother got all righteous and decided it was important to out this piece of shit – dollar signs are funny that way

so the authorities were called back in and we were instructed to tell them the truth this time… and that we lied before because we were scared… or something like that

this is how I know that they knew we were lying the first time around… we had the same case worker, she remembered us and told us she knew we were lying but since we did there wasn’t really much more they could do… of course by THIS point, the statute of limitations had run out – so we could no longer file criminal charges against him but we COULD attempt to go after him civilly…

I guess in the end it was me who put the kibosh on that plan… because of my inability to remember important details I wouldn’t have been able to testify convincingly – I don’t remember what the deal was with my sister… maybe just not enough of a case with just one kid… I don’t remember (again with the fuzzy memories) I’m sure my sister remembers every detail

I wasn’t too upset that this plan to sue him didn’t work out… I REALLY didn’t want to sue him… I didn’t want anything more to do with any of it – it was over and I just wanted to wash my hands of it… but because my mother wanted to pursue it I went along with the second round of interviews

in the end something good did come of it… we were able to get his name filed in ‘the computer’ as a suspected sex offender… so if anyone else came along making accusations against him, that would come up (which would help substantiate their story) and we would be able to testify to the best of our abilities on their behalf – this was until the youngest of us turned… 24?
yeah I think it was 24

which was almost 10 years ago now so it doesn’t matter anymore

a few years after we moved out of there – he got a new girlfriend… who BIG SURPRISE had young kids – all 3 of us tried to warn her about him, but he must have had her convinced we were just bitter or something

they lived with him for years… from what I understand at least one of the kids was VERY troubled… I heard he tried to kill himself and was blaming the pedophile for his problems – I don’t know what ever became of them… she did leave him eventually – I’ve often thought about those kids and wondered how they are and what they’re up to… but for the life of me I can’t remember any of their names =(

sometimes I think I would like to get together with them now that we’re all adults… but even if I knew how to find them, it’s probably one of those things that’s better left undone – I dunno… ya never know what path life will lead you down

for now there really is nothing we can do about him… and that is what sucks the most

after we left he spent years stalking and harassing us - breaking into our house, tampering with my mother’s car and many, many other things

at one point my sister got so fed up with the fact that he still roams free – that she decided she wanted to launch a campaign against him… hanging posters with his name and picture accusing him of being a pedophile

I don’t know what she really hoped would come from something like that… revenge? satisfaction of some sort I guess – I don’t know

it’s not like everyone in town doesn’t already know what a piece of shit he is… he is NOT a well liked person… in fact it’s a wonder to me that he’s still in business

anyway - as is typical of me I was against this plan because I was scared - and was very relieved when it turned out that if we did do something like that, WE are the ones who could be sued… and would most likely lose

but in the end I don’t think it was a fear of being sued that stopped her… I think she felt pretty confident that he would retreat with his tail between his legs if he looked out his window one morning and saw a sign like that (I disagree)
in the end I think it was me who stopped her from going through with it – she knew I still had to live here and she knew how freaked out I was getting over the whole thing so she dropped it (once again thanks to me he gets off scot free)

I wouldn’t put anything past this twisted piece of shit!! he’s a scumbag to the highest degree, WITH friends in high places – there’s no winning

all we can do is sit back and wait for him to drop dead

but you can be sure that when that days comes… the party will be one for the record books

part two – the beginning of the end

for part one go HERE

one of the things that Amber mentioned in her post was the importance of talking about these things… not keeping them secret or hiding them from the world

and I agree with that fully – hopefully the more people talk about this the less alienated victims will feel and maybe that will lead to more people coming out and pointing fingers at the scumbags who perpetrate these crimes

the sad fact is that the number of victims of sexual abuse is MASSIVE – you seriously can not swing a dead cat without hitting someone who has either been molested or raped or both – if you are in a room full of people, chances are at least one of them has been sexually abused in some way
if people felt comfortable discussing this I’m sure the statistics would increase but as it stands – I believe it goes like this: 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18

there are something like 39 MILLION survivors of childhood sexual abuse in this country

and only a very small percentage (something like 10%) of those are abused by strangers!! so ya might wanna keep that in mind next time ya think you know someone well enough to leave them alone with your children

anyway – the topic of talking about this is a bit of a sore spot for me… because I fully believe that I never would have said a word… I think that I would STILL be holding on to this secret - my feelings on that may have changed as I got older… who knows… when I got out of the stage of development where the world revolved around me and realized that speaking up could save someone else, I like to think I would have found a way even though I don’t remember remembering… if that makes any sense

actually I think I did try in a way to tell my mother about it… before we ever even moved in with him… but the memory isn’t that clear – all I remember is being in the upstairs of my grandparents house up here (where we lived for the time between when we moved up here and when we moved in with him) – I went to pee and I thought it smelled funny… in my memory I thought it was like puss or something – I didn’t know what it was so I woke my mother up to tell her… but she sleepily (probably hung over) blew me off - I’m sure that it was the smell of semen… (who knows what had been done or what I had seen the night before) but to me semen probably didn’t seem much different from puss when I was 5

after that I think I gave up trying to tell my mother anything - I have NO idea why I would have been reluctant to speak up to anyone else… other than the fact that I believed that letting it out served no purpose – even if I could utter the words I didn’t think they would be heard anyway

however… over the years I had ample opportunity to speak up… for some reason (probably because she suspected something) on several different occasions, my grandmother took it upon herself to ask me if anyone had ever touched me in an inappropriate way (I don’t remember her exact wording) but I knew what she meant, and my response was always NO!

I’m not really sure why… one thing I do know is that night and day in my life were as different as, well, night and day

I don’t remember ever thinking about being molested – I knew I was… it just wasn’t something I thought about during the day – even though it effected every waking moment of my life

it was almost like I was a zombie inhabiting a different body during the day or something… as far as I remember it NEVER occurred to me to tell because it never occurred to me at all – this is something that remains a mystery to me – but it was like I was so withdrawn into myself that there was nobody else

for the most part – aside from my complete and utter shyness and my floundering in school - even though I was apparently what they considered to be of above average intelligence (whatever that means) I appeared to be a pretty normal kid

and any problems that did arise with me were usually quickly overshadowed by my sister, who has always had a knack for demanding attention – me? not so much

as I got older and came out of my shell a bit more I learned to attract attention too… but usually not in very friendly or particularly healthy ways – and I STILL feel completely overlooked – particularly by my mother (who has her own mental issues)

anyway – back to the story…

I guess I should mention again (I’m pretty sure I have before) that when I was about 6 or so… I wrote a letter to god, basically telling him that I didn’t want to be here anymore, hoping he would take me to wherever he had taken my great grandmother

I distinctly remember trying to figure out what god’s zip code could possibly be… (maybe this is where my issue with numbers started) I sat there for a long time trying to decide what the most heavenly or godly numbers might be – if I recall, I finally decided on a series of ones and zeros

of course I didn’t know the letter would be undeliverable and would wind up being returned to our mailbox where my mother would find it… I didn’t even know she knew anything about it until many years later…

somehow it came up one night and she told me she had gotten it and thought I just missed my great grandmother a lot – I guess that was her cue to ignore it

*out of curiosity… what would you do if you found a letter like that in your mailbox, written by one of your kids?

I didn’t write the letter because I missed my great grandmother – I wrote it because I didn’t want to exist on this plane anymore… I wanted to go to where the angels were – I don’t think I realized what that meant

anyway… fast forward several years - most of my memories are fuzzy but there is one distinct memory I have - when I was about 12 (I think) there was an incident where I threatened to tell my mother... it was late and he was in my room for the umpteenth night in a row... I was exhausted... I was losing my mind from sleep deprivation I think because he had kept me up for so many nights and I had FINALLY had enough (that is how I am... I keep things in until I explode) and I exploded that night... it seems odd to me because as far as I remember I don't recall interacting with him at all when he molested me... I don't recall ever speaking - in fact as far as I recall I tried to pretend it wasn't happening as much as possible

but this night I guess I couldn't contain myself anymore... I told him I was so tired and had school the next day and just HAD to sleep... but he was relentless... I don't remember what he said but I told him if he didn't leave me alone I was going to tell my mother... he didn't, so I started calling for her (I still didn't even register that my sister was in the room... maybe she wasn't maybe she was at a friend's house... I don't remember) he thought I was bluffing but I yelled louder... I remember him backing out of the room with a very freaked out look on his face - I don't remember anything after that

not long after this (when I was 12 or 13) I remember desperately wanting my own room – I thought it was because my sister drove me crazy – but now I’m not sure…

I do remember wanting a room with a door that would lock… maybe it was just being a teenager – or maybe it was self preservation… but I do remember my sister REALLY combating the idea of me moving into my own room… and I thought she was NUTS!

in the end it turns out it didn’t matter either way

fast forward again... I'm in 7th grade (I had my own room now - I don't remember if I was still being molested at this point - I have no memories of any abuse taking place in that room) everything was going along as usual… nothing out of the ordinary – not that I noticed anyway… I come home from school one day – and my mother was in the kitchen with a grim look on her face

she sat me down at the breakfast bar and asked if (the pedophile) had ever molested me… my stomach flipped and I said, very matter of factly ‘yes’

she proceeded to ask me for details – I didn’t have much to say – when it comes to uncomfortable stuff, I'm like a magic 8-ball - I’m the kind of person who needs to be asked yes or no questions haaaa

what little memories I did/do have, were not (and are still not) something I’m actually able to make my mouth form into words – I just clam up or say I don’t remember or I don’t know – and at that time I’m not sure I even really had the ability to write it down... not that anyone asked me to

anyway – I think I was relieved when my mother asked me this, even though I was COMPLETELY caught off guard… it was like it was FINALLY out in the open

I don’t know why I chose THIS time to tell the truth… I think it was because I KNEW there was a reason I was being asked – at some point during the conversation I came to find out that my sister had told a school counselor earlier that day that it was happening to her… when I heard that, I was literally stunned – I don’t know what I was thinking – but it never occurred to me that he was doing anything to her or if it did I just blocked it out… but then it made sense why she was so upset about me getting my own room

if I had known this I don’t think I would have left her alone – but like I said as it turned out, it didn’t really matter anyway, as this had been going on with her as long as it had with me – but that is not my story to tell

all I can say is I don’t understand HOW that can be going on in the same room you are in and you not be aware of it (especially since she slept in the TOP bunk!) – I actually have a lot of guilt about that… I can’t beat myself up over it – but it does bother me... HOW did I not know?

anyway... next time: part 3: the moment that I lost all respect for my mother...

p.s. apparently I was wrong about being desensitized to this - I've been very on edge since I started writing that last post... I don't know what that is all about but I'll be glad when I'm done haaaa

the pedophile – part one… the end of the beginning

Amber wrote a bit about molestation in her most recent post (specifically a situation involving her niece) – and it left me with much to say… rather than hog her comments any more than I already have, I thought I would write about my own experiences in that department…

this will probably be kind of scattered – I’m still not (and probably never will be) very good at talking about it

I know I have mentioned the fact that I was molested as a child but I’ve never really gone into much detail about any of it…

actually one of the reasons for that is that I don’t have a lot of details - the mind is a tricky thing and does wonders to protect itself – therefore I don’t remember much of the actual abuse… you might THINK that is a blessing – but it’s really not

well I take that back… what I mean is – I don’t think it is… someone else might feel differently – and in fact MY own brain obviously feels differently... maybe if those memories were something I could handle, my brain would let me see them – but for now that is apparently not the case

it was mentioned in Amber’s comments that abuse like this actually alters the DNA of the person who is abused… and I believe that!! I KNOW for sure that I am NOT the person I would have been had I not been abused… and THAT is the one thing that upsets me most… I wish more than anything to have had the chance to be the person I was meant to be – to know what her potential could have been – if anything pisses me off about this whole thing it is that!!

I KNOW there is more to me… I know I have huge potential… locked away somewhere inside, behind the memories my brain learned from an early age to protect me from… I pity him for his sickness – I hate him for destroying the person I was meant to be

anyway – my story goes like this…

(at this point I am tempted to say I was born a poor black child... but I suppose humor isn't appropriate at the moment) ~sigh

when I was born we lived in long island (NY)
at about 4 my parents split up… we lived near my father for a year and when he didn’t make any real effort to stay in our lives, my mother decided to move ‘upstate’ – my grandparent’s had a huge house up here where they spent their weekends… so we moved in there

my mother was familiar with the area since my family has either lived here or weekended here since my grandmother was a kid – I don’t know how she came to be friendly with the guy she ended up with shortly after we moved up here – it was either at the local bar or at his store (he owns a grocery store right down the road from where we lived)

I know how he ended up with her… he has a thing for women with small children (go figure)

** FYI – be wary of anyone who claims to dislike children, yet somehow always winds up dating/living with women who have small children

although come to think of it, why a women with small children would even consider dating a guy who claims to hate children is beyond me… but that’s my mother

anywaaaaay ~ like I said… shortly after we moved up here my mother became involved with ‘the pedophile’ (I don’t think he’s worthy of an actual name) even though I would LOVE to broadcast his real name all over the place… sadly that could wind up getting me sued

it did not take long for him to begin molesting me… I remember one night for some reason he must have been babysitting us – or maybe my mother ran down to the store or something… I don’t really recall (although I will say these mysterious occasions that found me and my sister alone with him before we actually moved in with him, helped reinforce his brainwashing of us later on… but I’m getting ahead of myself)

anyway like I said my mother was not around for some reason and we were alone in the house with him at (what I remember to be) bed time… he sent my sister to bed.. I remember her not being happy that she had to go to bed but I got to stay up (that had never been the case before) but he said since I was older (by a year and a half) I was allowed to stay up later…

I don’t remember what happened – I don’t even know if that was the first time (although I don’t think so because I remember being very uneasy) but I do know he molested me that night – I was 5

from the age of 5 on, I became a COMPLETELY different person… I was always shy but I became very withdrawn and kind of odd… odder as the years went on – I did lots of weird crap in order to call attention to myself – and I don’t even think I knew why

this is about the time I was in kindergarten or starting 1st grade… and also around the same time my great grandmother, who lived next door to us and who I was VERY attached to, died suddenly

my mother now claims that she chalked all my withdrawn and odd behavior up to the divorce, moving and most of all me missing my great grandmother

I went from being eager to learn… able to read and write by the time I was 3 to not caring at all about school and nearly getting left back in first grade because they said I was too immature to move on (because of my odd behavior… like writing all my words backwards… not just the letter but the whole word… so if I wrote kitty I would have written yttik… with all the letters backward as well… not because I was dyslexic… just because I wanted to) I have a knack for reading and writing backwards… apparently I always have

however my mother insisted they not leave me back – because aside from the fact that I was already ahead of all the other kids in my class, leaving me back would have put me in the same class with my sister (the squeaky wheel) and she was sure that would do me more harm than good… in the end I guess they agreed – I am glad because she was right… I would have been completely overshadowed by my sister if we had to compete for attention in the same class

by the time I was about six or so we had moved out of my grandparent’s house and into the pedophile’s house…

my behavior never improved – which has always kind of pissed me off about the way my mother claims she chalked it up to me missing my great grandmother so much… I mean I’m 35 years old and I’m still a fucking basket case… is that STILL because I miss my great grandmother??

I shared a room with my sister for most of the years we lived there – which was from the time I was 6ish until I was about 15 (I moved out of the room we shared when I was about 13 or so)

I was sexually abused on what seemed like a nightly basis, almost the entire time we lived there – and I have virtually NO recollection of any of the specifics of what took place – the only thing I clearly remember is vaginal penetration with his fingers (p.s. that is the first time I ever put that into words) if it was up to me I’d say that is all that ever took place… but I know that isn’t true… for one because I have flashbacks that lead me to believe otherwise and two because my sister has (through therapy) been able to uncover other things… she won’t tell me what because I’m obviously not ready to know, but I KNOW there is more

(I’d rather not even mention my sister in regards to this story because it’s not my place to discuss what happened in HER childhood – unfortunately she played an integral part in this story…)

anyway like I said… things went on like this for years… his M.O. was to convince me that my mother was aware of what was going on, so there was no point in telling her… and over the years certain things transpired that led me to believe that was true… in hind sight it seems to me that those events were just coincidences and I just made myself think she knew

for example he was going to the store one morning to pick up some donuts or something and he asked me to go... I did NOT want to (for obvious reasons) but she insisted I go… to my mind she was knowingly throwing me to the wolves - in reality she probably just wanted an hour without me and my sister bickering haaaa

but to this day I have a hard time believing she didn’t know what was going on… even though there is no real evidence that I’m aware of that suggests she should have known – all the abuse (as far as I recall) took place when she would have been asleep – and she was quite a drinker so… I don’t know

I’m sure none of this is making any sense… but that is the basic set up of how the pedophile came to be in my life and how I was taught not to bother opening my mouth…

I know I was kind of scattered with this so if there are any questions, feel free to ask… I'm as much of an open book about this as I can be

next time part two... the beginning of the end

stimulate my anus….

our local paper has been running a thing lately where they ask readers what they plan to do with their economic stimulus money

in case you don’t know – this economic stimulus thing is one of our president’s brilliant ideas to help boost the drowning economy… (I guess businesses didn’t save enough money with their extra hour of daylight so now he’s hoping we’ll do more shopping) apparently he thinks if us peons get an extra $600-$1200 (of our own hard earned money) back, we’ll be so overjoyed that we’ll go out and buy boats or jewelry or plasma tv’s

HAA!!

some of the responses have been pretty interesting… they all ‘joked’ that it would be going in their gas tanks – although at this rate those jokes might not be so jokey at all

a couple of guys who look to be about 20-ish said they would be getting tattoos – WOO HOO… lucky them!! must be nice to be so carefree hehehe

pretty much everyone else (responsible adults) said they would be using their money to fill their oil tank in preparation for the next heating season (apparently if you get in early and pay like SIX GRAND you can lock in the current price… which ain’t such a great price in the first place)

or they would be using it to pay off debt… (in other words it will be spent on things that already happened)

I thought it would be fun to talk about what I would like to do with OUR economic stimulus check…

we’re talking fun and or useful stuff here – none of that fuddy duddy responsible crap!!

of course there is the obvious... put it toward what's left of Sam's student loans - which would probably be my first and most sensible choice... but I thought we weren't talking about sensible choices here...

I was thinking I would use it to buy a pool table… I grew up with a pool table - actually we had one at OUR house AND my grandparents house (click HERE and HERE for pics of me playing pool) I would LOVE to have a pool table again… when you have a pool table there is always something to do!!

I would like to spend it on some kitchen stuff to make my life easier - like a food processor, a mandolin, the slicer/shredder attachment for my kitchen aid or even some new cookie sheets and silpats…

I was also thinking some landscaping would be nice – I know it sounds nuts since we shouldn’t even be living here… but we are and as long as we have to it would be nice to make it more livable… and I’ve always wanted a crab apple tree outside my kitchen window

it would be GREAT to hire someone to come in and clean my kitchen floor… or something… it needs SOMETHING!! when my sister lived here she had a cleaning lady who apparently used the wrong cleaner on the no wax floor – now it’s dingy and dull and NEVER looks clean – it drives me crazy and if there’s one thing I HATE it’s wasting my time doing something I can’t even tell I did – and getting down on my hands and knees to wash a floor that just looks filthy again the next day is at the top of my list of things I just can’t stand!!

we NEED a new mattress – it’s been so long since I’ve slept next to Sam… I don’t even remember =(
I miss snuggling… I miss hearing him breathe… I miss feeling him next to me… I miss all the other things that take place when two people sleep in the same bed hehehe
I miss being horizontal!! ya know that feeling when after a long day you crawl into bed and lay down? that warm, soft, comfortable feeling… ya just don’t get that from a recliner!!

or maybe a new picnic table and benches since some schmuck stole our old one right out of our driveway last year – now we have nothing outside but a couple of old milk crates and a half rotten bench

Sam and I both need new shoes… I have a VERY hard time buying shoes… I HATE HATE HATE it!! mostly because all the good ones are so expensive and I just HATE spending money – especially on something that I might decide I don’t like a week later (as often happens with me and shoes)
as much as I LOVE my All Stars they kill me from head to toe if I wear them for more than just bumming around - I REALLY need something light but with better support… I’m leaning toward THESE or THESE as they are the least unattractive of the sensible shoes I’ve seen… actually sad as it is I kinda like this last pair quite a bit – they remind me of the hush puppies I always wanted when I was a kid but was never allowed to get

I was also thinking it would be nice to use it to fix our chicken coop, get some fencing and build a bigger garden – what with the price of food doing what it’s doing it would be nice to have that to fall back on...

I would also VERY much like a new aquarium!! at our old apartment I had the nicest aquarium… we had to get rid of it when we moved because when we were living with my mother during that hellish year (the stupidest thing we’ve ever done) the filter kept getting loaded with mold which was threatening to kill the fish

I miss my fishies!!

of course there's the fun stuff like movies, music and books – my amazon wish list is overflowing with stuff like this

then there is always savings… $1200 would be a decent start toward the $5000 we need to even THINK about the possibility of buying a house – or at the very least a good start toward first/last months rent etc. on a different apartment

yes these things would all be very nice…

of course we won't be doing any of this, we’ll be using the money to pay off our medical bills – exciting huh? WOO HOO - between the two of us that should pretty much eat up the entire $1200

don't get me wrong - I'll be VERY glad to have that money back and get those bills paid... but wouldn't it be nice if reality could be a little more like the fantastical, fun and frivolous world the president seems to think we live in?