it is for to laugh...

I was away from the tv but listening from the other room when one of those geico commercials came on where they hired a 'celebrity' to help tell the story...

it's not too often I appreciate advertisements but I love those commercials!!

until now I think my favorite was the one with James Lipton

but this one had me seriously laughing out loud - and trust me I can laugh pretty damn loudly! (just ask Sam) hehehe

anyway here it is...



I love the whole thing - but that last line just kills me!!

**BONUS**

for your listening pleasure...

the reason I LOVE DAVE GROHL and want to have like 10 thousand of his babies!!

ENJOY - and have a GREAT weekend everyone!! =)

give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo...

first of all - because I know some of you are wondering…

I spoke to my uncle last night who said my grandfather is not doing well – I think what he said was that he’s been moved back into the geriatric ward (where they keep the crazy old people) which sucks… I think people tend to be written off when it becomes clear that they have any sort of mental condition because anything these people complain of (myself included) seems to be considered related to that… if you have a headache it MUST be from stress, a toothache? you probably grind your teeth out of anxiety, violent hallucinations? they’d probably think you have post traumatic stress

then they throw drugs at you to ease the symptoms but never really try to fix the cause

I know at this point there is nothing (short of a miracle) that can do anything to fix the cause of HIS condition… but I don’t think that means he should be taken any less seriously – and I worry that now, anything he gets from here on out will just be blown off as him not being right in the head

anyway in my uncle’s opinion he will most likely end up in a nursing home when he gets out of the hospital (but apparently my aunt feels differently because she keeps hoping for some kind of miracle) hey me too – I would LOVE it if they could discover he’s had an abscessed tooth or something affecting his brain and a little root canal would cure him… but that’s not likely

he said they were down there visiting him this past Saturday and out of the 6 hours they were there my grandfather only recognized them for about 5 minutes

I guess that’s better than nothing – at least for that 5 minutes he knew someone was there who loves him and isn’t just there because it’s their job

obviously I HOPE it doesn’t come to him needing to be put in a nursing home… you hear so many horrible stories, ya know? although I think he would have an advantage over some of those people you hear about… he has a family that would be on top of every little thing like stink on shit… in other words it’s not too likely he’d suffer long from a hang nail let alone a bed sore – but still – I’m sure plenty of abused or neglected nursing home patients have families who care – ya can’t be there 24/7

even still, if he does end up in a nursing home, I hope it happens soon!! I can’t help but think he would be better off there than where he is – at least he wouldn’t keep being moved around… the poor man is already confused enough

so that’s the latest on grandpa

in other news… not much has been going on here – I haven’t been feeling great (probably stress – HA!) but I’m plugging along… we’re having Sam’s family, the Bickersons AND my mother and her boyfriend here on Saturday for ‘Easter’ – I had invited my father too but apparently he’s busy this weekend =(

oh well

I plan on eating a butt load of bad for me food – and then diving head first into getting healthy – I’m tired of feeling like complete crap all the time and I just know that no matter what the cause is (stress or whatever) that eating healthier and exercising more can only make it better – maybe if I start now while I’m feeling particularly stressed, I can avoid the pitfalls of giving up due to stress down the road

I was watching Oprah yesterday - you’d think I’d stop that by now but I recorded it because the description said it was about clutter and I like to watch those shows on the off chance that I’ll hear some new idea to better organize my house… unfortunately living in a small house it’s hard to not have SOME clutter – I believe in a place for everything and everything in it’s place… BUT that isn’t always possible when you live in a small house, with no storage and limited funds

anyway it turned out the show was less about learning to organize clutter and more about an obsessive hoarder - there is a big difference between normal clutter and the clutter of a person with a serious hoarding problem!! the solution is not in neat little storage boxes and closet organizers (like I figured the show would be about)

but I watched it anyway… and even though I don’t do what this lady does – it did occur to me that instead of buying and hoarding STUFF I keep all my mental baggage strapped to me in the form of FAT

she was feeling buried alive and suffocated by stuff she has crammed in her house… I feel buried alive and suffocated by stuff I have eaten and let turn to fat

she wants a house that she can feel comfortable in, to relax and enjoy life with her friends and family

I want a body that I can feel comfortable in, to relax and enjoy life

our triggers might not be exactly the same – but our issues are!! CONTROL – in trying to control situations that are beyond our control we turn to things we CAN control (with me its compulsive eating, and just obsessive compulsive disorder in general)

of course things like that are tricky… because you quickly lose control over those things as well – which only serves to make you feel even worse

I perform rituals (ALL DAY EVERY DAY – 24/7… if I’m conscious I’m performing some ritual… usually counting) it’s literally NON STOP!!

I do these things because (even though I know it’s irrational) I think it gives me some sort of control over situations that I have absolutely NO control over

I’ve had OCD my entire life… I literally do not remember back to a time when I didn’t perform some sort of compulsive ritual

I’ve also dealt with food issues my whole life… I control myself and everyone around me with food – if I want food the people around me know I damn well better get fed or I WILL make their lives miserable – it wasn’t until about 5 years ago though that I realized I eat when I’m stressed out (I think it took me this long to realize it because I literally am ALWAYS stressed or anxious)

anyway I was doing very well on a healthy eating plan, getting used to portion control, exercising regularly (at least an hour, more days than not) – I had lost close to 30 pounds and was feeling pretty darn good

then some family drama came up and BLAMO next thing ya know I’m right back to my old habits… I gained back all that weight… plus at least another 30 pounds

this is the story of my life for the last 20 years - before that I had never attempted to lose weight or change my habits… and I seriously wish I had never started!! I firmly believe that I would not be in the boat I am now (weight/health-wise) had I never gone on a diet in the first place

I do consider it some sort of a breakthrough though that I actually recognize and notice that this sort of stress actually triggers me to want to binge – now if only I knew how to manage that - but when I get like that I have it in my head that I deserve to do this… I deserve a treat… or I’m just ‘too stressed to deal with trying to work on self improvements’

it’s like the movie Airplane… when (I think it was Lloyd Bridges) keeps saying “looks like I picked the wrong week to quit… (smoking, drinking, amphetamines, sniffing glue)”

you don’t try to get healthy when you’re under stress (that is why stress kills people) the stress itself is bad for you and then you either pile on bad habits or slack on your good ones – because you just can’t deal… or you feel you deserve a break or whatever

I am in a constant state of stress which causes me to want to eat (I’m ALWAYS looking for the next morsel or planning the next meal) and then ‘big’ stressors pop up, like different family dramas and whatnot which make it even worse for a spell

so while I didn’t learn what I hoped to learn (which was some nifty new organizational trick) I DID feel like I understood somewhat and could relate to what the show actually was about

instead of shedding clutter in my house I need to shed the clutter on my body – she would break down and cry at the suggestion of getting rid of a pair of gloves or something ‘silly’ like that because it represents something else in her life… even if she’s not sure what that something is

and my weight issue is exactly the same… shedding pounds/peeling back layers until you hit on something that triggers a reaction – then you work through it and get past it until you get to the next layer

unfortunately this is something that only I can work on… I can’t have a team of people come here and coach me through digging out of the rubble – I can’t make piles (like she did) of stuff to throw out or donate or keep – I can have people encourage me (if they know how) but they can’t help me get the work done (like she was able to have)

they said something that I think was important… that the people in her life CAN help her but if they try to push her she WILL push back… and she WILL win

that is so true… of course they didn’t tell them HOW they could help her (that I saw) – just that they have to do it differently – I take everything personally – even if I KNOW someone is just trying to help… and I turn it around to hurt them

ya wanna tell me what you think I should do? (even in the most encouraging way) don’t think I don’t have a few suggestions for YOU too!!

anything to get the focus off of ME!! haaaa

they say the first step is admitting you have a problem - I’ve been stuck on that step for going on 2 decades now...

hope...

so one of the things that has been upsetting me lately is my grandpa… I think I’ve mentioned before that he alzheimer's

this has always been a big concern of his since his mother died of it (at about the age he is now) so he took exceptional care of himself - for as long as I’ve known him he’s exercised 3-5 times a week... to the point of have a gym built in his house... even when he was on vacation he would find a gym and work out at least a few times while he was away

he's always eaten well balanced, nutritional meals, taken vitamins and supplements, shopped at health food stores, minimized his sugar intake (to the point of literally portioning out his ice cream in half cup servings!!) his restraint is amazing… he can have one of those big chocolate bars (I call them PMS bars) last him two weeks!! he just goes into the fridge and breaks off a square, which he CLAIMS satisfies his chocolate craving - YEE HAW lucky grandpa!! to me seems like torture... I practically eat the whole bar in one sitting like a pig

anyway… the point is he’s always been careful to take care of himself

he’s also a BIG reader… he's ALWAYS reading something!! so much so that in addition to having a gym built in his house he also had a library… seriously a room with nothing but shelves from floor to ceiling, crammed with books… and there were still piles stacked up on the floor and tables… it was like a mini barnes & noble

he’s also always been very into politics and world events… usually he could be found reading (and somehow following a book) while simultaneously watching CSPAN and yelling at the tv hehehe

unless it was summer then he’d turn off CSPAN and watch baseball and golf… and read while following the game and yelling at the tv hehehe – actually, sometimes he’d still be watching CSPAN, reading a book and LISTENING to a game on the radio – or watching the game and listening to talk radio while reading a book… and he knew what was going on with all 3

now he doesn’t really do any of those things…

he started having some memory issues – nothing major but enough to raise concern… then he slowly started doing things like taking his plate to the living room instead of the kitchen when clearing the table… then having trouble remembering where the bathroom was

now he has trouble seeing (because he has the starts of macular degeneration) but he can no longer follow a book well enough to bother reading anyway

he can’t write very well anymore either

this all ‘started’ not long after he got married, sold his house and moved into his wife’s house (why they did THAT I have no idea) – he went from his regular routine (wake up – work out – breakfast (bran cereal or muffin, juice & vitamins) – shave/shower – and then either go out and play golf, or go to the book store or do household chores… or relax and read/watch tv)

to HER routine of having no routine at all… traveling A LOT, visiting A LOT, eating out A LOT – it’s almost non stop with them – he no longer had a home gym and their busy busy schedules didn’t seem to allow much time to stop and work out, I know her cooking isn’t anywhere near as healthful as what he was used to eating

then he got sick… he had something wrong with his stomach which required surgery… but thanks to their insurance (and the traveling) the surgery was put off WAY longer than it should have been (a few months) even though he literally couldn’t eat without regurgitating they STILL went on a cruise!!

eventually he had the surgery, but not before losing something like 30 pounds – at 6’3 and probably not even 200 pounds to begin with, a 30 pound weight loss made him look boney and frail… his clothes were all hanging on him and his wedding ring looked like it was going to fall off…

this was about a year ago… and he never has managed to really gain the weight back – THIS is when things REALLY started getting bad – this is when he started not remembering where to put his plate after dinner and eventually started forgetting where the bathroom was – in the last year he’s gone from relatively normal but looking exhausted… to no longer knowing who any of us are

about a month ago he started having horrible hallucinations – he thought people were after him, that he was being held hostage, that people wanted to kill him… even that HE had done horrible things and probably deserved for ‘them’ to hurt him – this was happening mostly at night (something they call ‘sundowning’)

it got REALLY bad a couple weeks ago – to the point where he had to go into the hospital – my mother went down to visit him and she said it was like someone flipped a switch… he was a completely different person and he knew nobody and thought everyone was out to get him – she said he was terrified thinking people were trying to kill him and he was just FREAKING out – and when he wasn’t freaking out he was like a complete stranger… he didn’t know his wife’s name and didn’t recognize anyone

from everything I’ve read, this wasn’t supposed to happen so quickly – it should take years before you completely lose the plot – or at least more than a few months!!

It made me sad to think of all the times I could have called him and I didn’t – because you always think there will be more time

to me it felt like my grandpa is GONE – but I can’t mourn him because he’s still standing there, ya know?

I could say all those things I wished I had said but he won’t know who I am anyway so what’s the point?

anyway… the other day he started having some problems peeing I guess so they moved him from the ‘dementia’ section (which is basically a mental ward for elderly people) to the regular hospital – and they determined that a big part of his problem at this point MIGHT be dehydration… and they said that with fluids and altering his medications, that they MIGHT be able to get him back to where he was (mentally) 6 months ago (when he at least knew who we were and didn’t think he was in danger)
so now I’m just hoping that this is the case…

1. because he has some things he needs to take care of (getting a health care proxy and taking care of some legal/financial issues… basically making sure there is someone to handle that stuff when he can’t make decisions) and
2. because I’d really like one more chance to tell him what he’s meant to me while he still knows who I am

I know all your bloggy powers work – so PLEASE keep your fingers crossed (or whatever you do) that they can work something out

I’m just glad that for now at least there’s HOPE

random rambling...

I’ve been kinda on edge lately – not really sure why… it kinda feels like PMS – but it’s not – probably just stress… I am worried about my grandfather AND have been feeling kind of disconnected lately - I guess it's all just taking it's toll

on the plus side though I AM feeling a little less unsettled about our living situation – I just have to continue living as if I plan to be here forever – when we find a better situation we’ll deal with that when we come to it... but for now I just REALLY need to be rid of that feeling of limbo… where I don’t know when the upheaval will be, but it is constantly looming

that is how my sister has always been and I never understood how she deals with it – actually I don’t think she does… I think part of why she always seems so miserable IS because she’s always kind of unsettled

even when we were teenagers she never even bothered to so much as hang a poster in her bedroom – her room always looked like she just moved in

whereas my room looked like I had been living there (and hadn’t left) for 50 years haaaa

when Sam and I moved in here, one of the first things we did was put up a stockade fence between our house and my mother’s – because I KNOW she tends to be messy and I didn’t want to have to look at it

my sister of course understood why I would WANT a fence… but thought I was nuts to spend the money on it (assuming I won’t be living here forever)

I told her that if it takes spending money to make my time in an obviously less than ideal place more bearable – then so be it
I can’t live as though I’m going to be moving at any moment – I just have to LIVE

so anyway - now that we have that settled I do feel a bit better… I can start thinking about some short term plans… like what to plant in the garden… and Easter dinner (which has been pushed off until NEXT weekend) I was feeling so unsettled that even though I had agreed to host Easter dinner I didn’t actually really invite anyone (they all knew I was planning on doing it but I never confirmed anything) or make any real plans as far as having food here

since it’s not working out with MY family, I HAVE decided that Sam’s family will do hehehe

now I just have to figure out what to do about my mother and my father

I did tell my father about a month ago that I was planning to do something for Easter

I obviously also invited my mother and her boyfriend when I thought we were having my side over

I have no problem having my mother AND father here and THEY don’t have a problem with it either (even though my mother gets on his case about 30 year old shit every time she sees him!)

but I’ve only really had them together with MY family – who my father knows and can talk to about stuff – they all have history together (my uncle actually dated my mother before he married my aunt… and was the one who introduced my parents) so they all know each other

not really sure how my father would make out with my mother on his case in a room full of complete strangers (I’m not sure he’s ever met Sam’s family)

this is one of the drawbacks to living next door to my mother... if I was in another town she wouldn't even have to know I was having a party and then I wouldn't have to feel bad that she's sitting at home alone

not that I don't want her there...

I just really want to be able to relax and for everyone to be able to enjoy themselves...

but I’m not overly concerned about it – I learned not to bother worrying about how people will get along after my wedding… I thought for sure there would be big issues then and there totally weren’t

so anyway… maybe diving head first into planning this dinner will help get my head clear (or help distract me enough) so I can be less on edge
maybe all I need is a project… something to focus on
and then decompress afterward so I can just totally start fresh!!

breathe in nice fresh newness of spring... breathe out dusty old cobwebs of winter

nothing is as it should be…

right about now my mouth should be watering at the thought of corned beef & cabbage and Irish soda bread for dinner tonight – but while we were shopping, Sam took one look at the ingredients on the package of corned beef and now he refuses to eat it - I don’t know what the hell he thought was in there… it seems clear to me that corned beef is NOT good for you in any way… ya don’t need to read the ingredients to figure THAT out hehehe

for a moment I considered getting one anyway and just making him something separate for dinner – because I DO LOVE my corned beef and cabbage… one freakin’ night a year!!

but I guess I just wasn’t in the mood to try to figure out what I could make him - so I didn’t bother

I don’t know what the hell we’re having for dinner tonight – but it won’t be festive… or anywhere near as delicious (although I’m sure he’ll disagree)

I’m not nearly as bummed about not having my corned beef dinner as I am about all my Easter plans pretty much crumbling

I was planning to have my family here for Easter… like I do every year – it’s one of the few things I actually look forward to throughout the year… I know I’m weird to look forward to planning dinners and stuff like that, especially when it involves my wacko family - but I do

and Easter is probably my favorite holiday – more than Christmas even (I’m not counting the little ones like Halloween) I just LOVE Easter… I think I mentioned this last week – first of all, never mind the fact that there is no gift giving involved like there is with Christmas... there is also no running around... it's one dinner in one place and then it's done - plus it’s just so springy and pretty and nice – or at least it used to be

anyway… like I said Easter isn’t working out - which upsets me for two reasons:
1. because I want my Easter (we all know I'm very nostalgic and sentimental) and 2. because the reason I’m not getting the Easter I want is because my grandfather is not well

I don’t really feel like getting all into the deal with him right now... because it's very upsetting – let’s just say he’s losing his mind and won’t be able to make it up here – neither will my aunt and her family because she is going down to see him – my other aunt was questionable to begin with – my sister and niece are obviously not going to be here… that leaves me, Sam, my mother and her boyfriend… and my father

I’d rather swallow shards of glass and wash them down with salt water than have them here and nobody else

we were planning to have the Bickerson’s as well but two of them have the flu… who knows how they’ll be doing or if the 3rd one will come down with it too between now and then – so we can’t really count on them

I’m considering trying to salvage it by maybe having Sam’s family over… but it’s kind of short notice so at least half of them are probably busy – they’re NOT exactly my ideal Easter dinner guests anyway

because I think part of why I like doing Easter is that I’m trying to hold on to some shred of my childhood or something... like I said I'm a very nostalgic and sentimental person – it’s never like it WAS but there’s still something comforting about it to me

and as much as my family drives me crazy… I’d still rather spend holidays with them - just because... they're MY family

but ya know, it’s true... you CAN'T go home again...

even when you never leave

isn't it ironic….

so I’m reading the obituaries (something I do pretty regularly)
ya never know who you’re gonna find - actually I‘m waiting for the day that I see the pedophile in there… hey it has to happen sooner or later, right?

anyway - usually my trip through the local deaths is pretty uneventful… once in a great while I learn of the death of someone I know (like my favorite teacher a few years ago) that was sad… she was a cool lady!!

mostly thankfully, today’s trip didn’t turn up anyone I know… but it did make me laugh – and THAT is kind of unusual…

you might ask WHAT about the obituaries could be funny… well I’ll tell ya...

as I made my way down the page I noticed a man named Mr. Coffin had died and I thought ‘haaa his NAME is Coffin and now he’s IN a coffin!! - that’s FUNNY!!’

I continued down into the D’s and found that on the same day Mr. Coffin died, a woman named Mrs. DeKay had also ‘passed away’

ok so it’s not spelled right… but it certainly SOUNDS funny!! hehehe

so there ya have it… my twisted sense of humor in action

R.I.P. Mr. Coffin and Mrs. DeKay… you didn’t know me, but you certainly gave me a chuckle – WAY TO GO!!

what’s going oooooonnn!?!?

first of all what is the deal with the new daylight savings thing… I’m not complaining… I just don’t really get it

I have heard that it is the president’s idea to conserve energy… apparently so that businesses would need to use less electricity because they would hopefully have fewer hours operating while the sun is down… or some such nonsense

I had no idea that changing daylight savings time was even something that was within the president’s power - not for nothin’ but doesn’t he have more important things to do?

I always liked changing the clocks both in the fall AND the spring – I never much cared about losing or gaining an hour… it almost always seems to work out that the night we are supposed to change the clocks is a night I’m up way too late anyway… so I never get enough sleep

of course the older I get the more difficult a time I have adjusting – I seriously feel like I JUST started adjusting to the ‘fall back’ and here we are springing ahead again

it’s fine with me though… I love seeing it stay light later – maybe now I’ll have time to digest my dinner before I fall asleep hehehe

speaking of dinner – what is the deal with Easter being so early this year - I know it’s on a different date every year - but it’s never THIS early, is it?? – I don’t recall it EVER being this close to St. Patrick’s Day – I don’t know whether to expect a basket of eggs or for someone to steal me pot o’ gold

all I know is that I’m cooking Easter dinner and I can’t find a damn ham on sale because all the stores are focusing on corned beef!! I don’t think I can pass a freakin’ brisket off as Easter dinner!!

I guess it’s just as well... I mean who wants to eat that much salty, fatty meat??? one weekend I’m supposed to eat corned beef and the next weekend I’m supposed to eat ham?

maybe this is another of the president’s genius ideas… perhaps it’s a way to solve the social security problem… give us all heart attacks so we don’t live long enough to collect!!

whatever… early Easter means early Cadbury eggs… and I love me some Cadbury eggs - I do I do!! I’ve been good this year… so far I’ve only had ONE cream egg and a couple small bags of the mini eggs – I’m proud of myself!! a couple weeks ago one of the stores had the great big bags of mini eggs on sale for 99 CENTS!!! that is a SMOKIN’ deal!! but I didn’t get one – YAY me =)

anyway… another reason I love Easter and don’t mind it being early is because it’s so springy… to me Easter is like the beginning of spring… and everything is happier in spring, don’t ya think?

this is why I like to host Easter dinner… it gives me plenty of reason to think springy thoughts…

it seems like nature knows that Easter is early this year too… spring is definitely on it’s way!! I’ve seen robins and heard geese (we SEE them all winter but don’t HEAR them until spring)

also the starlings have taken up residence in our roof again… well not actually the roof… more like the area between the siding and the roof (I forget what that is called) – they pull the metal out somehow (with their beaks I guess) and build these giant nests in there and when they move around it sounds like they’re inside the walls!!

they drove us nuts all last summer but we didn’t have the heart to pull out the nest when we knew they had babies in there – so last fall Sam pulled all the nest stuff out and bent the metal back and we HOPED that would deter them… but sure enough they pried it apart again and I see them in the yard gathering twigs and stuff for their giant nests – I think this weekend I’ll have to get Sam out there again to kick them out while we know it’s too soon for them to be laying eggs or feeding babies – I feel bad but who the hell wants nasty, filthy birds living in their roof?? I don’t even want to think about how much poop is inside there

speaking of Sam… he’s sick =(
I don’t know if he somehow caught what I had, only since he doesn’t have tonsils it went into his chest, or what is going on – but he is having trouble breathing and has a nasty cough… he almost never gets sick like this – I think I can count on one hand the number of times he’s required antibiotics in the last 19 years, but I think he needs some now… he took off work today (which means he must feel like real crap!!) of course our doctor’s office isn’t open on Tuesdays so we’ll have to find some place else for him to go

we’ve both had a kinda bad winter sickness wise – we both had colds earlier on too (another thing he rarely gets)

I wonder if it’s because we’ve been hanging around our friends who have a kid… kids are like little germ factories!! and this one seems to have a hard time remembering to cover his filthy little germ hole

remember at Christmas when we had them here and he flat out sneezed on our dessert?!! I thought Sam was going to have a stroke!!

I may have to go back to my original thought of avoiding people… socializing is nice and all... but keep your fucking germs to yourself!!

anyway… I could ramble on all day but now Sam is up and wanting to go to the doctor so I guess I’m outta here – maybe I’ll come back later to continue the rambling hehehe

criteria...

I just wanted to mention quickly that we haven't given up on the idea to move - we all agree that us NOT living here would be best for everyone involved - we just decided not to take THAT particular apartment which I had mentioned in the post below - in hindsight we should have looked into the situation further before I even mentioned it here - there are several reasons why it's not a good fit for us - the money aspect is just one of the reasons it won't work out

we do have SOME requirements as far as what we NEED in a place - THESE are mine (I don’t think I’m asking too much)

~ a decent kitchen with a good working oven and either good shelves, or the option of hanging a pot rack – with either room for a table or there has to be room elsewhere in the apartment for people to sit down and eat

~ a bath tub!! I had a bad experience in a stall shower once and now I get very claustrophobic in them – I COULD deal with no bath tub IF the shower is big enough to move around in and has a seat

~ some kind of storage even if it’s just ONE decent closet

~ they obviously have to allow cats

~ I don’t even need a 1 bedroom – I don’t care if it’s a one room apartment where I have to keep my bed in the living room as long as the room is big enough to put other furniture in as well – our old apartment was like this... in fact we HAD a separate bedroom and chose to keep the bed in the living room so we could use that as an office

HERE is our old living room... you can see the foot of the bed peeking out of the right hand side… where I stood to take the picture was the kitchen/dining area
and HERE is the bed - so the WHOLE thing (living room, bedroom, kitchen, dining area) was one room and that was totally fine with me

~ based on our current income, rent/electric/heat/hot water can’t total more than $750 - $800 a month... and that depends on how far the place is from Sam’s job – the more he has to spend on gas the less we can afford elsewhere

I think that's it... for me anyway

so for now we're keeping our eyes out for a place that comes close to meeting this criteria - in the meantime the plan is to use the time we have here as best we can to save as much money as possible - that way when the time comes, we'll be all set and we won't have to scramble for the first and last months rent, etc.

in the future I'll be sure to take a deep breath and THINK before I freak and start looking for the escape hatch hehehe I don't want my life to be a series of moves I keep feeling like I HAVE to get out of... that is MY choice...
we all have to do what WE feel is best for us - I'm very much the kind of person that needs to feel a sense of security and HOME... when I drop anchor somewhere it needs to stay dropped... for a while at least
I can NOT stand living in limbo - so the thought of moving someplace and thinking 'well golly gee if it doesn't work out we'll move again' just does NOT work for me - the next time we move I want it to be someplace that works

that being said I want to thank you all for your thoughts and your input... it really is appreciated

I said I wanted to say that quickly because I had something else to squawk about today... but this didn't turn out to be as brief as I expected so I guess that other thing will have to wait hehehe

I've been sitting on my ass far too much this week... the dust bunnies are starting to form an army... I hear them strategizing behind me...

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!

to move or not to move… and if so – where to?

that is the question…s

~ if you need to use the bathroom you should do it now, cause this is gonna be a long one!!

ok here’s the deal… you all know we have issues with our current living situation… mainly with whether or not my mother/landlord will pay her property taxes so we can continue having a roof over our heads – there are other issues as well.. like how completely unhealthy it is for me to be involved with my mother or trust that I can rely on her

in order to have the money for the property taxes (and to ease MY mind) Sam and I have stopped paying her rent… we stash that money away to be used to pay the property taxes - because my mother (who has been unemployed for the better part of the last 3 years!!) can’t be trusted to save the money herself

instead tax time will be nearing and she’ll start having a fucking meltdown (giving ME a nervous breakdown) because she has to try and scramble to come up with the money before they foreclose on her property (which Sam and I both live on… in another house THANK GOD!!)

because she’s been unemployed for so long she has NO money… no money for food, gas for her car, electricity etc.

her house is falling apart!! and now… for the last month or so there has been something wrong with her water pump, causing us to have intermittent water problems – sometimes there’s no water at all and when there is, it’s very full of sediment and stuff (so we have to use bottled water for all our cooking) and we never know from one time to the next whether or not water will even come out when we turn it on… anyway - I talked about all this a few posts ago

so last week started off with her being strange and moody – then on Wednesday she comes to me asking for $500 of the money we’ve been saving (AhHa! she was being strange and moody because she was working up the guts to ask for money)

I told her what I always tell her when she asks me for any large sum of money (even if it is technically hers) that I would have to talk to Sam about it first… and that I want PROOF that the tax situation isn’t dire at the moment (if they’re due THIS May or they foreclose, then absolutely NOT… but if they are due NEXT May then we could work something out) ya see by my mother’s standards, bills aren’t actually due until the thing you’re paying for is about to be taken away – just sweep the problem under the rug until it’s so big you trip and break your neck

she told me that the money she needed was to keep her cable/internet/phone from being shut off (she had already lost her ability to make outgoing calls, use the internet and was bumped back down to non digital cable)

yes I realize how fucking insane it sounds that someone with no jobs and no real income has cable and internet access – but she does

because it’s actually not much more to have all 3 than it would be for her just to have a phone (without free long distance) and dial up internet – basically for about $50 more a month she has free long distance, high speed internet AND digital cable

she allegedly has job applications out all over the place with her phone number on them and is using the internet to find other jobs to apply for

MY thought on the matter is: lose the triple play - get ‘lifeline’ service (which is emergency phone service that is basically bare bones… but you get to keep your phone number) so she can still make and receive phone calls – and then since she has web based email, she could just go to the library once a day to check that AND search for jobs… OR she could come over here and use mine (gag!)

and just fucking live without cable for fuck sake!!

but anyway… I’m getting away from the point here

I spent that day after she asked me for the money trying to figure out where we stood on the taxes – and I discovered that she is NOT in danger of losing the house THIS May… so when Sam got home he went over to tell her we’d give her the money

she told him she didn’t want it… that she is moving and we can have her house and everything in it and sell it or do whatever the fuck we want with it because she’s outta here

real mature, right?

Sam just backed away and since we were late for an appointment, got in the car and left

she’s ‘threatened’ to move away before… of course she never does… apparently it’s just one of her obnoxious attempts to either get attention or manipulate people (I haven’t figured out which, yet)

then she proceeded to spend the next few days being miserable, avoiding eye contact and barely speaking to us – she came over on Thursday morning and asked to use my phone (in a very unpleasant way) then brought it back 5 minutes later…

when she came back I tried to ask her what was wrong… she ignored me

I put on my shoes and followed her back to her house… I knocked on her door and she ignored me… I could hear she had the vacuum running so I stood there in the cold waiting for her to stop and then knocked again… I KNOW she heard me – but she went into the other room and closed that door behind her

so I came back over here and wrote her a letter, which I then taped to the window on her front door (so that she might see it even from inside)

I heard nothing from her – until the next afternoon when she came over and asked to use my computer… she had the same crappy, grumbly, I don’t want to talk to you attitude

but I TRIED to engage her anyway because THAT is MY sickness… I HAVE to try to make things better… I’ll make myself sick/drive myself (and Sam) nuts, trying to make everything ok – this is something I’ve done all my life… and looking back on all these years… SHE has been involved in EVERY incident of me feeling like I need to fix things or make them better (she wasn’t always the one at fault but she is always involved)

so anyway like I said I wrote her a note and taped it to her front door… and Friday when she came and used my computer and she wasn’t all that receptive to my attempts at smoothing things over, I watched as she walked back to her house, saw my letter, lifted it to see what it was and then left it hanging there

before she left she asked me to remind Sam to look for a cd of hers that he had borrowed… so the next day I went to bring it to her – in another attempt to feel her out and try to smooth things over (I know… I’m pathetic)

but we had gotten like 10 inches of snow the night before… so Sam shoveled me a path to her house… as we got to her porch she opened her door and said ‘I can shove my own path’ in this miserable ‘I don’t want anything from you people’ tone (the same tone she’s had for days)

I handed her the cd and she said ‘oh ok’ – then she stepped out onto the porch and closed the door – she started talking about the weather and then the trial her boyfriend was juroring on (for the last 3 weeks) – meanwhile the note I had written (on yellow paper) was hanging very obviously, at eye level, on her door 10 inches from both of us

she continued to leave it hanging there - which to ME looks like a big FUCK YOU

over the last day or so her mood as changed… she seems to be perfectly normal again (yet the note still hangs on her front door)
but maybe I’m just overreacting or reading something into it that isn’t there

soooooooooooooo anyway… over the weekend it was clear this thing with my mother was eating away at me… I was losing sleep – it was like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (the story of my life) – will she just up and take off… or will we go over there and find her half naked and surrounded by empty pill packets (AGAIN) and if so, will she be alive or dead

it was all very unnerving!!

so Sam and I decided that we HAVE to move!! because it’s just WAY too unhealthy for us to be here… particularly for ME – WE can get through anything (even my mother’s effect on me) but it would REALLY be in MY best interest (emotionally and probably in the long run, physically as well) if I just moved… particularly so we would no longer have any kind of financial tie or responsibility to her

if I’m not paying her rent or saving money for her or in any way involved with or responsible for her in any kind of financial way – if THOSE ties are cut and we’re off somewhere else then it’s no longer MY responsibility to make sure it’s all taken care of

if we were talking about an elderly parent in need of care it would be different but we’re talking about an able bodied 50-something year old woman who seems incapable of taking care of her life and her finances

how is that MY responsibility?

yet somehow as long as I’m here I’m involved and I make it my responsibility… but it’s very hard to live with

while Sam and I were talking about moving, I asked him (because I knew I would) NOT to let me back out of this plan - even writing this and knowing he’ll be reading it makes me uncomfortable because I’m afraid he’ll NOT let me back out

no sooner than we had set the wheels in motion toward moving out of here did I start trying to back out – partly for unhealthy reasons but also partly for very valid reasons

the point of this post was to weigh the pros and cons of our current options (and it took me this long to get to it) I’m sure a professional would say that is because I’m trying to remind or convince myself of the fact that moving is in my best interest in the long run… but for shits and giggles (and because Sam asked me to come up with a list)

here are the pros and cons

first of all… the options as they stand right now are stay here OR move into the apartment above our friends (the bickersons) who rent the bottom floor of a two family house

keep in mind that around here rents are generally rather high – we pay $500 which is totally unheard of… especially for what we have (a ‘separate dwelling’ one bedroom house with a huge yard that borders woods on 2 sides and a stream… plus the ability to do whatever the hell we want here, make noise, put up shelves, paint etc. which as anyone who rents knows is not usually the case)

the apartment we’re considering is about half the size of our house now (which is bordering on too small as it is) and it’s $250 more per month

we currently pay ALL utilities – the apartment has heat & hot water included (which are costing us about $130 a month where we are now)

ok now that we have that taken care of I’ll get to the pros and cons starting with our CURRENT living situation (MY major issues are in bold)

PROS here
~ CHEAP rent!
~ potential for saving money toward a down payment or closing costs for a house of our own
~ separate dwelling/house
~ ground floor!
~ GREAT kitchen window (laugh all you want, it’s a big thing for me)
~ reasonably close to work (about 20 minutes)
~ 2 minutes from doctor (where I get FREE medication)
~ large nearly private back yard
~ much more convenient to chiropractor
~ close to mom who is often my transportation
~ a decent amount of room with the option of building a loft for storage
~ GREAT size kitchen which is nearly perfect for me (with a few minor exceptions)
~ garden right out the back door
~ ability to do whatever the hell we want (as if we owned the place)
~ as long as the taxes are paid there is no chance of us HAVING to move or our rent ever increasing!! (security)
~ close to my aunt's house/easy for holidays

CONS here
~ close to mom who often drives me crazy
~ stress of feeling responsible for mom
~ no storage! (I have to keep half my stuff in my mother’s attic)
~ noisy/too close to the busy road
~ high ceilings/expensive to heat and air condition
~ kitchen cabinets are always tearing my clothes
~ DISGUSTING carpet!!
~ floors are ALWAYS dirty because of the often muddy dirt driveway and no real entryway or place to kick off mud and dirt before dragging it all over the house
~ dead leaves from across the street are always blowing in and getting stepped on and crumbled all over the floor
~ about 20 minutes or more from the nearest pizza, chinese, grocery store etc.
~ 2 minutes down the road from the pedophile
~ well within drop in range/high risk for unexpected company

PROS there
~ MOM WOULD NO LONGER BE MY RESPONSIBILITY!!
~ it’s in the direction I want to live in (a nicer part of the county)
~ close (within 5-7 minutes) to shopping, dining, movies (not the we'd be able to afford any of that stuff) hehehe
~ we’d have to seriously downsize our lives and get rid of a BUNCH of furniture and other possessions
~ closets
~ quieter - road not as close and nowhere near as busy
~ well out of drop in range
~ potential benefits to having friends so close
~ use of barn for work/storage
~ Sam would be close to his friend (potential money making opportunity with Brokeback II) HaHa
~ availability for the potential to learn to be less hermity
~ any dirt that gets tracked in would stay in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs!!
~ save A LOT on heat/hot water and most likely electric
~ they’re willing to accept half of the security and let us pay the rest off over time
~ water that works all the time and might possibly even be potable!!
~ if something breaks it's not OUR responsibility

CONS there
~ higher rent (half again as much)
~ finances would probably be pretty tight
~ TINY place
~ TINY not great kitchen
~ not really enough room to have family gatherings/holiday dinners (I’m sure Sam considers that a PRO haaaa)
~ no place for my chest freezer
~ potential issues with having friends so close wanting too much of our time/popping in disturbing our desire to be hermits
~ yard appears to be anything but private
~ very real possibility of having NO internet access!!
~ weird phone company – possibly NOT an option to get free long distance (which is a big deal with my sister and my best friend living in other states)
~ potential TV problems/possibly no cable
~ will they sell the house when the market improves and if so where will that leave us (they were looking to sell it in the past)
~ will the rent increase out of our price range (it’s already at the very TOP of our price range)
~ a good 45 minute drive from Sam’s job (which is a time AND gas issue)
~ would be nearly impossible for me to get to the doctor as often as they seem to want me to come in for BP checks
~ dogs barking downstairs

of course there is always the option of biding our time and trying to find a place better suited to our needs, size wise and money wise – but who knows how long that could take or if we’d even bother

anyway you can see I’m very conflicted here… any ideas?

to whom it may concern...

"why don't you listen to me when I try to talk to you
stop thinking of yourself, for just a second fool
shut up, shut up, I don't wanna hear your mouth
your mother made a monster, now get the hell out of my house

can't stand it for another day
I ain't gonna live my life this way
cold sweat, my fists are clenching
stomp, stomp, stomp it’s the idiot convention

which one of these words don't you understand
I'm caught in a mosh!
talking to you is like clapping with one hand

What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!

don't tell me how to do my job
there's the door, your name's on the knob
you're always in the way, like a beast on my back
were you dropped as a baby, cause brains you lack

can't stand it for another day
I ain't gonna live my life this way
cold sweat, my fists are clenching
stomp, stomp, stomp, it’s the idiot convention
which one of these words don't you understand?
I'm caught in a mosh
talking to you, is like clapping with one hand

What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!

think-before you speak
or suffer for your words
learn, to give respect
that others, give to you
AAAAaaaaaaah, the best you can do

Hey Man!
I'm trying to reason but you don't understand
talking in circles, we'll never get it straight
just you and me in our theater of hate

can't stand it for another day
I ain't gonna live my life this way
cold sweat, my fists are clenching
stomp, stomp, stomp, it’s the idiot convention
which one of these words don't you understand?
I'm caught in a mosh!
talking to you is like clapping with one hand

What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!
What is it? -- Caught in a Mosh!"