I do NOT like it rough!!

so like I mentioned before I’m having a rough week… I’d really rather not get into it - let’s just say my mother is driving me crazy and I’m very worried about her!! although I don’t really know what I can do – especially since now it seems as though she’s not speaking to me

she won’t answer her phone or her door (even though I KNOW she knew I was knocking!!) so I wrote her a letter and taped it to her front door – hopefully she’ll read it and we can resume our regular fucked up relationship hehehe

something weird about me… when I get very stressed out I start behaving like a child… I surround myself with juvenile stuff… like I watch kids shows and I like to color (in coloring books) I know I’ve mentioned this before

anyway that is how I’ve been feeling the last few days… like I’m just kinda withdrawing and going to a place mentally – almost like I’m trying to pretend I have no responsibilities… if I just sit in front of the tv with my crayons and coloring book everything will blow over – which is actually much like how I spent my childhood… if I wasn’t running around trying to lighten the mood and fix everything so that people wouldn’t be angry, I was hiding in a corner, reading or drawing or coloring and waiting for the storm to pass

so that is where I’m at – I’ve retreated to my corner with my crayons… I’m probably about one bad day away from sucking my thumb or pooping in my pants hehehe - how’s that for a pretty image?!

another thing I do when I’m stressed is CLEAN!! when things get particularly stressful for me… after getting a nice bout of explosive diarrhea, my first reaction is to clean like a crazy person… make sure everything is neat and in order and sparkling if possible…

I think because of ALL the stuff that has happened here in the last couple months (some of which I didn’t even mention a couple posts ago) so when you thought we’ve had a lot going on… there is actually even more on my mind than what I mentioned haaaa - mainly issues with friends… and worrying about my grandfather (he has alzheimer’s and from what I hear he’s not doing well)

I think everything is just manifesting itself in some kind of conglomeration of my child-like self and my mad cleaning self (with a bit of my compulsive eating self thrown in) – I go back and forth – I clean for a bit and when I run out of steam I sit down in front of the tv and do work in my candy land activity book – when I’m not doing either of those you can find me hunched over whatever food I’ve dug up… arms around it like a person unsure of where her next meal is coming from and afraid someone is going to come along and steal her plate before she’s filled her belly

I know I can’t completely throw in the towel… I refuse to let MY life crumble… I’m sick of letting other people’s issues make me shut down (I say that now… give me a few more days) I know I can only go on for so long before I get entirely overwhelmed and my little self preservation mechanisms stop working and I start wallowing in self pity… and eventually filth hehehe

but I’m hopeful… the way thing shave been around here lately all I can say is THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!!! and we FINALLY have our own car again which means Sam and I can get back to our normal routine… we no longer have to rely on other people for rides… we can go grocery shopping when we want… go wherever we want whenever we want.. ya know, just like NORMAL PEOPLE again!!

although weather.com has informed me that we have a heavy snow warning for tonight… thankfully it’s not supposed to start until after Sam is due home… I don’t think I could handle the nail biting experience of waiting for him to get home in bad weather!!

anyway - I plan on making us a nice dinner and melting into the weekend with him – if all goes well we’ll get our grocery shopping done nice and early tomorrow and have a nice relaxing couple of days… maybe go over to the Bickerson’s for dinner – it might be nice to get out for a bit… to a place where I don’t have to cook… OR do dishes!! hehehe

I have a nice loaf of challah sitting here just screaming to be turned into french toast for our Sunday breakfast… and financially we’re ahead at the moment… which is nice for a change… maybe we could go see a movie or something - although we do have a bunch of stuff backed up on the DVR… including this weeks Jericho and LOST – WOO HOO!!

anyway a good man, good food, good TV, good friends – and two whole days to enjoy them… really, what more could I ask for?

have a GREAT weekend everyone!!

the best medicine....

I’m not having a very good day - but rather than piss and moan I thought I’d share this hysterical outtake from one of my all time FAVORITE kids shows... which those of you who WERE kids or HAD kids in the 70’s might remember

warning: it’s not very PC or kid friendly (just the way you like it) hehehe



ENJOY!!

crapola...

I don’t have much to say lately – or if I do I just don’t have the oomph to say it – I just don’t seem to have much interest in blogging at the moment I guess… I’m sure it will pass hehehe

part of it is that I’m just trying to concentrate on other things… and part of it is that I’m distracted… even from the other things I’m trying to concentrate on

the new year seems to have brought with it several… I dunno… hiccups? yeah we’ll call them hiccups

first of all… there is something wrong with our water – we don’t know if it’s the pump or the pipes or what… (whatever it is it’s on my mother’s end) all we know is that we don’t always have running water… we’ll go to wash our hand or take a shower and there isn’t any water… it comes back eventually (usually disgusting looking at first) but you never know from one time to the next if anything will come out of the faucet

if I need to do laundry or dishes or take a shower I have to call and make sure my mother hasn’t been running water recently – and speaking of showers and laundry and dishes, if I do one, I can't do the others for at least a few hours… also when I do laundry I have to sit in the room while it fills up… and then again for the rinse – so I always have to be keeping an ear out for cycle changes – otherwise I’m afraid we’ll run out of water mid fill and my clothes won’t get rinsed… or my machine will break (who knows) all I know for sure is that if it’s something that costs money to fix, it ain’t gettin’ fixed

she was told she MAY need a new pump… and if that’s the case it’ll cost something like $1,500 – but it’ll cost $300 just to even find out (which she doesn’t have) – this has been going on for about a month - my only consolation is that we DO have water SOME of the time... it's not completely out... which would be A LOOOOOOOT worse!!

sometime in January (shortly after Sam fell and hurt his back) our truck started acting funny… they said it was going to need a new transmission (way out of our price range) but that there was a chance it would hold on for a few months (hopefully giving us time to save enough money to get another car)

they did something to it to make it shift properly and sent us on our way to hope and pray

then a couple weeks ago it started again… the only way to get the truck to shift was to take out some fuse so that it could be shifted manually… but taking out that fuse meant we now wouldn’t have brake lights or turn signals – WOO HOO

so we knew we were going to have to find a car ASAP

he drove to work that way once or twice… then on his way home one day the battery (or something) decided to quit… it won’t hold a charge I guess… and to replace it would be at least $50!!

who the hell wants to put $50 into a car that you plan on replacing as soon as possible?

so he’s been relying on my mother to drive him to and from work for the last week and a half or so – also to the chiropractor… and to take me grocery shopping

I KNOW having to rely on my mother for ANYTHING drives my poor husband crazy… especially if it means he has to spend time trapped in a car with her haaaa

last Wednesday he wasn’t feeling well… so my mother took him to the doctor – I was running low on my BP medication (which they give me for free) so I tagged along… I had been feeling kinda crappy and have had swollen glands off and on for a month or two so I thought I might as well have them check me out as long as we were going
turned out I have TONSILITIS!!

they didn’t know what the heck is wrong with Sam – they told him if he’s not feeling better to get an EKG, some blood work and an echocardiogram (this is because he has a history of heart issues) but they gave him xanax in case it’s just anxiety

Friday we had quite a bit of snow… my mother doesn’t drive in snow… so Sam missed the day of work – no big deal though I guess… he had a paid sick day coming to him

my sister called me all freaked out… she was having all these weird symptoms – eventually she went to the emergency room… she called me every hour or two giving me updates - the last thing I heard from her that day was that they thought she might have had a stroke

the next morning Sam was supposed to spend the day with his friend, hunting for a new car - but he still wasn’t feeling well… he was pretty freaked out about the way he was feeling (lightheaded, chest/arm pain) so HE went to the emergency room… meanwhile I hadn’t heard back from my sister – I figured that was because it was late by the time she got out of the hospital…

but here I am not sure if my sister had had a stroke… while my husband is being carted off to the ER thinking he’s having a heart attack

and I can’t even take a bath to help me relax haaaa

turns out my sister is nuts (big surprise) but she may also have some kind of nerve damage – she has to go have a bunch of tests

and Sam is also nuts… they did tell him that because of his history he SHOULD go have a stress test and an echo just to be on the safe side… but he was not having a heart attack… just stress (big surprise)

the next day (yesterday) his friend took him out looking for cars again and BINGO… thank GOD it seems they found something!! it was difficult because we only had $1,500 to work with – used to be you could get a half way decent car for $500… but apparently something has happened in the last few years to change that… now you can’t get a half way decent piece of junk for under $1000 (and even THAT is a stretch!!) he called about and looked at A LOT of cars and apparently all of them were complete crap

hopefully this one is better than just the least crappy of the crap – it has power everything, which I HATE!! but it should get good gas mileage… Sam seems to think we could save like $60 a month in gas with this car compared to our old car – which would obviously be awesome!!

anyway – that I what’s been going on here – it’s upsetting… maddening… frustrating... EXHAUSTING!! so maybe that is why I’ve lost my oomph here

now that things seem to be looking up transportation wise… AND I have some antibiotics to cure me of my mystery disease (seriously I thought I was just doomed to feel like crap!!) maybe I can start getting back on track here…and in other areas of my life – ahh wouldn’t that be nice

"it is never too late to become what you might have been"

so the other day, Ohio friend called to tell me her cat (Lucky) had been hit by a car…

while she’s telling me the story of the cat and the trip to the vet she says ‘oh and get THIS!’ (obviously upset by what she was about to tell me) “when the receptionist heard his name, she said ‘well he isn’t very lucky today’ – can you believe THAT?!”

I said… ‘sounds like something I would say!’

and she said ‘well I expect that from YOU’

what the hell is that supposed to mean? you think it was an assholey thing to say… yet it’s something you would expect from ME?!!

she was all like… I know YOU – I know how YOU are – I know you say things like that

well obviously so does this chick!!

so you don’t think I’m an asshole – I bet her best friend doesn’t think SHE is either

apparently that doesn’t mean we’re NOT!!

THEN… I’m on the phone with AC yesterday – I forget what exactly we were talking about… something about treating ourselves better (physically) and how much better we’ll feel after even more time of being good to ourselves

anyway - he says to me ‘I’m not used to you being so positive’

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

am I that unpleasant?? first I’m the one you can expect to hear an assholey comment from and then I’m little miss negativity?!!

and these are my two best friends!!

I KNOW that I can be a little hard to swallow at times – but I DO think that for the most part I am a kind, loving and basically positive person

when I die, that is how I want people to remember me!! I DON’T want them saying ‘gee now who will we go to for crassness and negativity?’

several years ago I saw some guy on a talk show (probably Oprah again) who had taken a year long vow of silence – for an entire year he didn’t speak a single word, he had to write or text everything he wanted to say… I think the point for him was to learn to listen more (something I could certainly use some help with) but more importantly for me even would be learning to THINK before I speak!!

since I saw that guy I have often thought of doing this – I wonder what it would be like to not speak for an entire year – I think it would be difficult… especially now that Ohio friend is well… in OHIO and my sister is in Arizona

although I’m starting to wonder if they wouldn’t be better off not having to hear my voice for a year – I don’t think I like what I seem to be contributing anyway…

but then I think of my blog and the friends I’ve made online… and I would bet dollars to donuts that most of you would say the exact same things that Ohio friend and AC said… that you expect me to say obnoxious/negative things

and I’ve never actually SPOKEN a single word to most of you

so would a vow of silence do any good? apparently I’m just as unpleasant in print as I am on the phone – the thing is… nothing I say is untrue… when I say it, it’s usually pretty much how I feel… if I say something you think is unpleasant, chances are it’s because it’s the truth (as I see it) and people don’t like to hear that

so what do I do? stop voicing my opinions? stop speaking altogether?

they say if you don’t have something nice to say that you shouldn’t say anything at all… and it’s true, often the things I say aren’t very nice (even though I usually TRY to do it in a joking way) but nice or not, they’re the truth – I guess that doesn’t mean I HAVE to say them

perhaps this is a case of disliking in other people the things I really dislike about myself... 'they' do say that is how it works... if you are really irritated by anything about someone, it probably reminds you of something you dislike about yourself (even if you don't realize it) although many things I have opinions on don't pertain to me in any way at all (like how you raise your kids) I don't have any kids but you can bet if I don't like it I'll have something to say about what you do with yours haaaa - by the same token though if I see someone I think is doing something right, I'll tell them that too

as if they give a crap haaaa

I just have a hard time not telling people what I think – admittedly often to the point of being hurtful (particularly with my mother) it infuriates me to watch someone seemingly intentionally doing everything in their power to make their life spontaneously combust – and I seem to be physically incapable of keeping my mouth shut

when people are complaining about shit that seems completely cut and dry, simple to either fix or not worth fretting over I can’t help but tell them… I’m kinda like Dr. Phil in that way… I’m VERY matter of fact and to the point with what I personally see as OBVIOUS and LOGICAL and I can’t help but share my thoughts on the matter

but usually only if you bring it up with me first… I don’t usually jump in and force my thoughts on you… and I’m VERY RARELY the one to initiate contact with anyone… EVER!! so if you come to me spewing this or that, I assume that you WANT to hear what I have to say

does that mean that these people WANT a kick in the ass? cause that’s what it sounds like they think I give - or are they just waiting for the day that I’ll FINALLY just shut up and LISTEN

I'm sick of kicking people in the ass... it's unpleasant AND it doesn't freakin' work anyway haaaa

2008 is going to be the year for change – too much has happened already that points in that direction… I would VERY much like for this to be the year that I REALLY start focusing on being ME... the REAL me... the person I feel in my heart... the me that is obviously not very easy to see - the me I've spent my entire life trying to hide

Gandhi said ‘be the change you wish to see in the world’

so that is my plan… STOP talking and start DOING!!

procrastinating...

I know some of you have been wondering when the hell I was going to post something new... after reading this I'm sure you'll be sorry you wasted your time checking in hehehe

today I have a pretty bad headache and I have one of my most despised chores to do (trimming chicken) it takes me a couple hours because when boneless skinless chicken breast goes on sale (like it was the other day... $1.69 lb) I buy like 20-25 pounds of it - but you know how chicken is.. it's always got fat and crap on it that you don't want to eat... trimming that crap off of 20+ pounds of chicken and packaging it all up into neat little one pound packages takes a little while

especially since I also cut the bulk of it up into bite size pieces because MOST things I make with chicken call for it in chunks... and after years of thawing out whole breast cutlets and slicing them into chunks every time I needed it (a few times a week) dirtying my knives and contaminating my counter or cutting board... I figured why not take care of it all at once (this way it's all ready and all I have to do is let it thaw and dump it into the pan/pot/whatever I'm cooking) like Rachael Ray says 'need it twice, chop it once' - of course I've been doing this since she was still doing her thing on WRGB

anyway chicken trimming is one of those things that I'll do almost anything to avoid... I'll look in closets and under beds for things to fix or clean in order to avoid trimming chicken... if I had silver I'd pull it out and polish it if it put off the chicken trimming!! if I had good china I'd take it out and wash it all piece by piece!! hell I'll even blog when I have absolutely NOTHING to say just to avoid trimming the stupid chicken!!

but in the end it HAS to get done... otherwise it will start to stink and I'll have to shoot myself for letting it go to waste...

I've found a few tricks to making trimming chicken a bit less sucky

1. LATEX GLOVES!! if I wear latex gloves I can take them off in order to quickly answer the phone or whatever else I might need to do... in the past when I did this chore in my bare hands it was such a pain - if the phone rang or I got an itch it would take me forever to get my hands clean enough to touch anything!!

plus for the rest of the day I would be afraid to put my fingers anywhere near my mouth... after you've had your hands that deep in raw chicken for a few hours it seems like they may never be clean again (especially under my nails)

so latex gloves are ESSENTIAL!!

2. my great big 'cutting board' - it's not really a cutting board but I use it as one... it's probably 2'x3' and I put it on my little chair side table so I can sit in front of the tv while I do my trimming (as opposed to standing up at the kitchen counter like a normal person)

our kitchen counters aren't normal counters... it's another of my brother in laws lovely cob jobs and the height is VERY uncomfortable for me - if I try to stand there doing this job that takes 3 hours it'll end up taking 5 because I have to keep stopping to give my back a rest

obviously sitting down in front of the tv makes any obnoxious chore a little easier to take

another helpful thing I've found is doing this job when Sam is home... this way I can get him to help me package the meat all up - I weigh it out while he bags it up and that saves me a whole bunch of time!!

unfortunately I'm an idiot and didn't arrange to do this while he was home this time around =(
so I'm on my own hehehe

anyway... now that the floors are waxed, the drapes are pressed, the oven is cleaned, the rugs have been beaten, the windows are washed, the gutters are cleared, the hungry are fed, world peace has been achieved and this blog has been posted I guess I better get to it

have a clucking great weekend everyone!!

my man...

I love him – he’s a great friend and an amazing husband… whenever I hear other women describing what they want in a man or saying they wish their husband/boyfriend did this or that I always think ‘MINE does those things!’

even little things I take for granted, like eye contact or a gentle touch to let me know he’s listening and he cares

he never says anything hurtful, he always tries to encourage me to do what I enjoy and what is best for me – he’s helpful and thoughtful and considerate and FAIR!

I never realized how many people feel unloved or uncared for by their husbands or wives – but the more I see other couples interact or even ones I see on tv – the more fortunate I feel to have found this person and that by some miracle we’ve managed to stick together

last night there was a bit of personal drama going on with Sam’s best friend (who lives like 35 minutes away) Sam had to go over there at like 10pm (that’s kinda late for a work night) but his friend needed him so he went

he didn't get home until about midnight - but the second he walked in the door he told me I had to put my shoes on and come outside – because I just HAD to see the sky… he said he had never seen so many stars in his life

so I dragged my sleepy butt out of my chair and put on my shoes and followed him out… and he was right… the sky was AWESOME – it was like it had dropped down and if you climbed a tree you could pluck the stars right out of the darkness

so there we stood in the freezing cold staring up at the sky – talking about how beautiful it was while he pointed out all the constellations... and I just thought how awesome it is that this man who busted his ass all day at work only to come home to a crap load of drama and upset-ness and gave up his relaxation time to drive more than half an hour away to help a friend even though he was tired and would be even more tired tomorrow – when most people would have been cranky and just want to get undressed and go to bed... took the time to notice a particularly clear and pretty sky and then drag me out of the house to share it...

I’m a very lucky girl!!

I didn't know buffalos have wings...

I’m relatively new to buffalo wings… for the longest time I avoided them because I was afraid the heat would trigger a migraine (because it often does)

then one day a few years ago, while eating at this little pizza place we sometimes go to, I must have been feeling fed up with always worrying about getting a damn migraine and I tried a wing… I was hooked – from then on all I’ve done is drool over the words buffalo chicken… be it actual wings or the boneless chicken ‘fingers’

seriously I think I could eat them every day and never get sick of them…

since then I’ve had a bunch of different wings from a bunch of different places but none are ever as good as the ones from that little pizza place – their sauce just has a really great flavor… not just heat… most places make them flaming hot or way too sweet or they just have some odd flavor that doesn’t work

I’ve tried making my own – I do that when I have something out that I really like… because… well why pay all that money for one serving when for pretty much the same price you can have a whole lot more… and not have to leave a tip!! haaa

but I’ve never been able to find the right sauce – I want them to taste like my favorite ones… or at least close to it - but I’ve never had any luck =(

I’ve even tried to convince people to get a job there so I could learn their secret haaaa

not being one to really use hot sauce (again because of the migraine issue… and the fact that I don’t really like hot foods… except for wings) and because I just don’t have the money to go buying bottle after bottle of sauce HOPING to find something as good… or at least acceptable… I had pretty much given up the hope of being able to make my own delicious buffalo wings (or fingers)

then one day a couple weeks ago, we stopped at that little pizza place to grab a quick bite when out of the corner of my eye I noticed something interesting – it was like a light had shined into the darkness… everything else dimmed and all I could see was that magical bottle… could THIS be the secret? something I walk past three times every time I go grocery shopping?!

could my mystery sauce actually be… FRANK’S RED HOT?!!!

is it possible that the secret to their delicious wings was that close to me all this time?

I had to find out – so the next time we went grocery shopping I checked the price… $2.19?!! it’s freakin’ CHEAP!! so of course I bought a bottle - the biggest one they had (I was hopeful that this was FINALLY it!!)

I couldn’t wait to try it… my mouth was watering!!

but I didn’t want to go through the trouble of making actual wings only to be disappointed again… so we took the lazy route… the store we shop at sells fresh, homemade foods all packaged up and ready to eat and that day they just happened to have breaded, boneless, skinless chicken breast strips ON SALE!!!

it was fate!!

we went home and threw the chicken in the oven to heat and crisp it up… the bottle had the butter to sauce ratio on the label but we were making considerably less (unfortunately) – so I had to have Sam do the math… and mix up the sauce

in 15 minutes we enjoying warm, delicious, finger lickin’ buffalo chicken in the comfort of our living room!! it tasted EXACTLY like the sauce from my favorite wings!! there was no trick... there was no secret... just plain old Frank's red hot!!

within the next couple days we gobbled up all the chicken we bought that day and couldn’t wait for more…

I decided I was going to make what we had been eating the day the miracle happened… the next time I went to the store they had more of that same breaded chicken on sale… so I got some of that… a ball of pizza dough (they make their own dough fresh each day and sell it in baggies) – my favorite pizza sauce (no I didn’t make my own for once… I was being lazy again and this kind of sauce is super yummy and has no ‘junk’ in it…

then last night for dinner I made us a delicious, finger lickin’ BUFFALO CHICKEN PIZZA



what could be better than two of my very favorite things all rolled up into one delicious dinner?

now that I’ve discovered the secret sauce I don’t know how I’ll be able to stop myself – next thing ya know I’ll be making buffalo chicken omelets and buffalo chicken biscuits… if someone doesn’t stop me I may do what the Iron Chefs do and make a batch of buffalo chicken ICE CREAM haaaa

I guess I better get used to being fat, cause now that I have my precious... err I mean sauce - I'm not sure there is any hope for me

can't do a little, cause you can't do enough...

wha... huh??

anyway... this weekend I was at the family dollar (that’s a cheap ass store where everything is worth about a buck, but costs a bit more... usually)

I was looking for puzzles and possible other filler type stuff for a birthday present for my niece (she’ll be 4 this coming weekend) – I don’t have a lot of money or the mental capacity to think too much about it so I’ve decided to just give her a bunch of miscellaneous stuff

this is what I have so far (then I’ll get back to the dollar store story)

some used dvds (a couple of Care Bears, a Max & Ruby and the Country Bears movie) which I bought new cases for so they don’t look so used (I know this is cheezy but they weren’t meant to be part of her birthday present, I got them for her ‘just because’ and never got around to sending them)

a few years ago AC got me Songs from the Street: 35 Years of Music - which is a box set of all the songs and performers that have been on Sesame Street over the years – I’ve been telling my sister practically since this kid was born that I would make her copies of the cd’s – so I’m FINALLY doing that

I WISH I could make her copies of the ‘old school’ sesame street dvds I got for Christmas too (obviously I have a thing for sesame street) but I don’t have a dvd ripper do-dad =(

anyway…

I also came across some old audio cassettes from when we were kids that I’m transferring to cd for her – and I got a bunch of coloring books and stickers and stuff like that

which brings me back to the dollar store…

so I’m standing there just about to give up and make my way to the register with the couple of cute coloring books I found when I decided to make one more swipe through the rack… and something caught my eye...



isn’t that just TOO FUNNY?!!

there were only two left so it seemed like fate to me… I got her one and one for myself haaaa I really just couldn’t resist – especially at 50 CENTS a piece!!! I’m not really one for shopping (normally I hate it) but who wouldn’t get excited about a deal like THAT?!

WOO HOO

so who wants to come over for a coloring party? c'mon... we can wear our pajamas and I'll make chocolate milk, and we can eat cereal and watch vintage episodes of sesame street and fight over who gets the black crayon nub!!

you know ya wanna!!