don't let it bring you down...

I was having the weirdest dream this morning when Sam woke me up – I'm going to attempt to explain it even though when I tried to explain it to him I was having a hard time verbalizing it

ok... in the dream nothing was familiar yet everything was familiar… and there was a definite sense of discomfort and possibly danger - I don't think Sam was there... I felt alone and that made me feel more uncomfortable - I was just kinda there... drifting from scene to scene feeling kinda... lost and gloomy

it seems like most of the people in the dream were people I used to know and really wasn’t interested in spending time with, yet I somehow didn’t seem to have much choice...

at some point it became apparent that a woman was killing people... there was a man who looked like he had been stabbed or shot and was either dead or dying, lying on the ground under a tree... people seemed to know who did this and that 'she' wasn't done

then it seems to have flashed (or maybe it was a new dream) to where I was in a small apartment, it was kind of dark and the overall mood of the situation was mellow... and kinda gloomy (sorta like the end of a long night when the party is winding down... but gloomier)

anyway there seemed to be a few people there and I was sitting at a kitchen table, talking to a girl when 'don’t let it bring you down' (the Annie Lennox version) came on, which I really only know from the movie American Beauty

so the song made me think of that - I turned and was just about to ask the girl if she had ever seen American Beauty… then I realized the girl was Mena Suvari – who was IN American Beauty

so I said ‘I was just about to ask if you’ve seen American Beauty… but I’m guessing you have, huh?’ then I walked away

now that song has been stuck in my head all morning…

it’s a good song but it kinda weirds me out… I don’t want to say it’s depressing… maybe more haunting

anyway… I thought I’d share it with you guys haaaa maybe you will have some insight into why this song (and particularly this version) is stuck in my head when I haven't heard it or even thought about it in months... or what it might have to do with that dream

(I couldn’t find a decent sounding copy of this so I went with an American Beauty tribute video – if you’ve never seen AB you should scroll away from the video and just listen to the song because there are definite spoilers!!)



that is all...

3rd time's the charm…

at least I hope it is anyway – today is the 3rd time Sam has attempted to go back to work since falling on the ice almost a month ago!! the first attempt was only a few days after the incident, which was obviously WAY too soon – the second attempt was last Tuesday… the orthopedist thought it would be best if he stayed out another two weeks… but Sam is one of these weirdos that actually WANTS to go to work every day – it was driving him batty to be home and I know he’s also a little concerned about our finances

especially since a week or so after he fell (I’m not sure if I mentioned this before) our truck started acting strangely – 3 days and $200 later we found out the transmission is living on borrowed time – obviously that is not the kind of thing that is worth fixing on a $600 rust bucket

so I’m sure he’s concerned about that… we have a hard enough time saving money on his regular salary… and comp only pays something like 60% of that!!

thinking about somehow getting a new vehicle while trying to scrape by on 60% of what we were already scraping by on can’t make sitting at home any easier for him

so he TRIED to go back to work… he lasted about a day and a half and had to come home –then the chiropractor pulled him out for the rest of the week and yesterday

anyway – wish him luck… he says he’s feeling MUCH better – I HOPE he is

even though I was enjoying having him here!! he’s only been gone a little over an hour and I already miss him hehehe

but it will be good to get back into some kind of routine… although I think I’m going to make some changes around here – especially regarding the amount of time I spend sitting in front of this idiot box

it occurs to me that I went from high school student with no internet to working 70+ hours a week, obviously not on the internet - to housewife with internet access… and I’ve never really experienced life the way I pictured myself all growed up

when I was a kid and dreamed of one day being all domestic and housewife-y… this was NOT part of the scene – and I really feel like all the time I spend on here seriously gets in the way of all the other things I want to be doing

I don’t know WHY I park my ass here instead of drawing or sewing or doing something… anything creative

or hell even cleaning and keeping the house the way I’d like it to be

in the beginning I was seriously addicted to chatting (SERIOUSLY!! it was a BIG problem!!) but I don’t really chat anymore… not like I used to anyway!! the only person I really chat with at all anymore in Brian and he’s perfect because we can both get up and walk away for two hours (mid conversation) and we usually don’t even notice haaaa

what I mean is I’m not glued to the desk when I chat with him

however… when I have this thing on it’s like a magnet that keeps drawing me in… so while I have the chat situation under control I still find myself spending more time sitting here than I should… because the world seems to want it that way

I turn on the radio or tv or open a magazine and I’m prompted to check out so and so’s web site

if I want to avoid the internet it seems I need to avoid all forms of media – and well… that just ain’t gonna happen

plus it has become an organizational tool for me… everything I do is on this thing… I’m sure Sam would feel a bit differently about it as he pretty much only uses it for recreational purposes... he tells me to just keep it off if it's interfering with my chores or whatever

so I turn it off… I know if the screen isn’t beckoning me with it’s warm glow I’m less likely to be drawn to it as I walk by... with the ‘oh I’m standing here anyway… might as well check my mail or the weather or so and so’s blog’ (part of my problem is that we live in a tiny house where you can see the computer from just about every corner... it's not stashed away in an office where I can avoid it... it's always 10 steps away in the same room)

but keeping it turned off isn't really practical… my entire life is inside this thing - my recipe box is full of packets of splenda (for guests) duck sauce and hot mustard... there is not a single recipe in there - ALL of my recipes are on here!!

if I need to know how to remove a stain or I’m curious what kind of bird that is at my feeder… I don’t check my Heloise book or a field guide anymore… I google it

how do you avoid the internet when almost everything you could ever need is all right here at your finger tips...

I keep track of all our bills and monthly payments through my own little ass backward filing system I’ve created in word documents – if I need to check the status of something or want to see how much last July’s electric bill was I don’t dig through my file cabinet looking for the bill… I have that information sitting just 4 clicks away in a folder called ‘finances’ – along with the confirmation number I got when I paid the stupid thing… so if something came up where they tried to tell me I didn’t pay it I don’t have to call my bank and have them send me the canceled check as proof – I can have the whole thing squared away in 10 minutes instead of 10 days!!

I don’t really appreciate how dependent I am on this thing...

I know there was a time when people lived without telephones and then one day they just became this thing you can’t not have

just like cars, microwaves, televisions and now cable...

when we got our first computer (in 1996) NOBODY we knew had one – they all thought we were nuts - it wasn’t everyone’s main source of information… people didn’t do their shopping online – if they wanted something, they had to go out into the cold cruel world... if they had a question, they had to use a book or make a phone call - but now… the more disconnected we all become the more we rely on our computers to hold us together

so (unlike the tv which for decades people have been cursing for it's power to so easily distract us from getting out and living life... or even reading a book for that matter - but is still easily turned off or even blown up without any real inconvenience) I NEED my computer because EVERYTHING I do starts here, every meal, every project… every EVERYTHING!!

when it comes down to it I COULD live without the internet… but I’d rather not - and I'd REALLY rather not have to try to get by without my computer!! I COULD get by without it... people did for centuries and somehow some actually STILL manage without one!! but I like how everything is tucked neatly on my hard drive or a disc

and of course now the phone company has me over a barrel because yes, like I said, I COULD live without the internet… BUT now that cable internet and cell phones have made land lines virtually obsolete (yet somehow still insanely expensive on their own) I can’t get rid of my internet access because it would probably cost me more to have a separate telephone than it does to have my telephone and internet together – especially when you consider that this plan gives me free long distance and my sister and best friend live in other states

so now… the computer is added to the list of ‘essential’ pieces of crap we all did just fine without… once upon a time

the tricky thing is finding a way to have it IN my life without it keeping me FROM my life…

any suggestions?

speculation...

I don’t really have much to say today – I just kinda wanted to push that last post down - it was sort of meant as a joke… not a JOKE… obviously I don’t think it’s funny that the guy died!! but… a simple R.I.P. with a tiny joke added to lighten it up a bit hehehe

you know what I mean, right? hehehe

but the whole H L (not saying his name so’s to avoid attracting hoards of people here) thing has gotten to be a bit… MUCH!!

WHY are people are so obsessed with celebrities… AND their DEATHS!!

maybe I’m weird… I have almost no interest in celebrities – I don’t read about them or watch the gossip shows (unless I just turned off the dvd player and the tv lands on the insider or entertainment tonight) then I sit there shaking my head and wondering WHY anyone is interesting in all this stuff

I assume since it seems like MOST people ARE interested in celebrity gossip that at least one of the people reading this is… maybe you could enlighten me as to what is so fascinating about these people??

I’m not knocking your interests – I just TRULY DON’T UNDERSTAND

and furthermore… WHY when anything ‘major’ happens do the news crews show up on the scene ready to report what nobody can possibly know yet?

I’ve never seen a single major event (*columbine, waco, 9/11, the amish school shooting, etc.) that wasn’t at least 24 hours of frantic speculation – from everything to WHY it happened to how many people are dead to what the people wore or drove or ate

it’s never made sense to me – especially how people share this ‘news’ as if it’s fact… as if they’ve never seen the other end of anything and realized that 90% of the crap they heard the first day or two was just that… complete CRAP

anyway I guess I’m rambling – and this isn’t exactly what I wanted to post here today… I was hoping for something lighter but this is what came out so I guess I’ll go with it hehehe

* I’m not comparing HL’s death with 9/11, columbine, waco or the amish school shooting… (although judging by the reaction it sure seems like the reporters think it's equally as important!!) – but I think you get my point

R.I.P.

now who am I supposed to marry if things don't work out with Sam??

back in the saddle again...

so Sam went back to work today – keep your fingers crossed that it works out and he can actually stay and do his job

while he was out we started having car trouble… turns out to be the transmission – which as we all know is a bad bad thing to have crap out – basically what it means (for us anyway) is that we have to HOPE that the car will last us long enough to get us through until we can afford to replace it

which, with being out of work… and only being paid 60% of his regular wage for the time he missed – will obviously be a struggle – thankfully February is an extra paycheck month and tax time is approaching

but I think we can rule out moving any time soon… which means we REALLY have to make sure my mother’s property taxes get paid – as long as that is taken care of we have a little time to dig out from under the rubble and start working toward being out of here… within the next year

we actually have another goal as far as moving goes… but more research has to be done before I’ll be ready to mention it here

I had big plans for the time that Sam had off – it was sort like a mini semi stressful vacation… sort of

unfortunately a few days into the time off I came down with a cold… just as I was starting to feel better Sam started with it

so between being sick and being without a car for those days we didn’t get as much done as we had hoped BUT we did get some stuff done

and I learned to not let the house go to complete crap while he’s home – usually on weekends I get kinda lazy and just let things go – I’d rather relax and spend time with Sam than be cleaning all weekend - by Monday the place usually looks like a tornado blew through it – but he goes back to work and I return the house to it’s usual ‘lived in’ condition

however with him being home so much I couldn’t exactly be lazy the whole time hehehe

I’m actually pretty proud of the way we managed to not let the house fall down around us… especially since I was sick for half the time… Sam was a big help – he took care of all the dishes for me and made me breakfast and even helped with dinner

in a way it was a blessing that we were without a car because I would have been seriously tempted to be eating take out all week – but without a car that wasn’t an option (we don’t have delivery places here)

of course the car is costing us quite a bit more than a couple of take out meals so I guess that’s not much of a blessing at all huh? hehehe

having the car in the shop DID save us some money on gas though… yeahhhhh
that is a silver lining… right?

as it stands right now it looks like we’re just about square financially… our bills are paid… and next month should give us a small head start toward saving up for a replacement vehicle *fingers crossed* - *knock on wood*

it’s hard to knock on wood with your fingers crossed hehehe

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every year my aunt takes me out to lunch for my birthday but not usually ON my birthday… it usually has to wait until she has a day off… this year it was MLK day (yesterday) – we went to a local diner… her choice – no idea why she chose this place other than the fact that they have a very LARGE menu and due to allergies/intolerances she has a VERY restricted diet – we both got burgers anyway… mine was good but I didn’t enjoy it much

I wonder why every time I spend any amount of time with my aunt I feel a need to treat myself to some sort of ‘reward’

seriously when I got home I spent the rest of the evening feeling like I deserved to eat an entire cake while soaking in a bubble bath or something

I’m not sure what her deal is but it seems like every subject that gets brought up with her is unpleasant – we talked about my grandfather’s alzheimer’s (yes they have now determined that IS what he has) how tired and unwell his wife looks, my mother’s drinking problem, Sam’s back/comp/work/car and our financial situation, my uncle’s health issues, my health and mental issues, my weight

I’ll give her credit because it must have been eating away at her – she didn’t once mention our lack of health insurance or Sam finding some soul sucking office job just for the benefits!!

that has been brought up during every single conversation we’ve had for at least a decade!! but recently I asked her to lay off and she actually DID!! WOO HOO

---------------

I keep hearing that we’ll be inundated with reality shows thanks to this writers strike but I have yet to see one come on that is of any interest to me – I can’t watch the amazing race or any of those dance shows… I have no interest in the apprentice and I have less interest in celebrities so celebrity apprentice is out – American Idol is just more of the same old crap – it’s ok for now but as soon as the auditions are done I’ll completely lose interest – and even the auditions I find myself watching through my fingers because I’m so horrified and embarrassed for these poor people

why is it that we all enjoy other people’s misery so much?

speaking of misery… there IS one show I’m absolutely DYING (literally I think I may perish if it doesn’t hurry up) to see... the MOMENT of TRUTH - where they strap someone to a lie detector and ask them awful questions and they have to tell the truth in order to make money

WHO would go on a show like that if they have anything at all to hide?

I’m very curious to see what kinds of questions they ask…

I seriously don’t think there is anything that anyone could ask me that I would be reluctant to be truthful about

it kind of makes me want to have you all come up with your most outrageous questions for me to see if I’m right – since there is nothing worth watching on tv these days and there is NOTHING going on in blogville - if any of you feel like asking me anything you think I’d be inclined to lie about… or anything else for that matter… feel free

maybe it will help me get my blogging groove back – not that I had much of one to begin with hehehe

so yeah… if anyone has any crazy questions for me (lurkers that includes you too!) email is in my profile or you can leave them in comments anonymously

I know I’m not strapped to a polygraph machine – but you can trust me… really!! hehehe

it’s not like I’ll win a prize anyway hehehe just trying to break up the boredom around here

alright I think I’m done rambling for now

negative nelly...

you may have noticed I haven’t been my usual pleasant, bubbly (ha!ha!) self for the last week or so – I’m overdue for my period, which for me, means worse PMS than usual – plus my whole routine has been screwed up for weeks… and I’m the kind of person who needs a routine and does NOT like change!!

it started with Christmas and now that Sam has been home it’s just gone on longer than expected

not that I don’t LOVE having him here… I’m just not used to it

so anyway… that is my excuse for sounding crabby and bitchy and just plain unpleasant… here… and probably in your comments too!!

as for Sam being home… he tried to go back to work on Monday and wasn’t able to do his job so he had to come home… which meant he then had to see an orthopedist - partly because our regular health center doesn’t take comp cases and now that he’d be out of work for over a week it will be a comp case

the orthopedist told him no work for at least 2 weeks… he has to go back and see him again in a week or so

in the meantime he has a little ‘vacation’ ha! if you call sitting around the house worrying about your spine, your job and your bank account (oh and now the car, which is acting up) a vacation hehehe

before this happened we had a whole ‘nother issue we were dealing with (mother/property tax yadda yadda) that has been put on the back burner… we can’t even really discuss it until we know what’s going on with THIS situation

the other day I had a bit of a meltdown… I think everything just kinda hit me at the wrong time, what with the PMS and everything – as I sat there with my head in my hands, on the verge of tears, Sam asked what was wrong and (after some force on his part to get me to talk) I just started rattling off thing after thing

~him getting hurt at work (seriously not knowing what happened that morning, I was SO worried at first!!)
~now him being out of work
~will it be permanent damage
~will we be able to get by financially while he’s out of work - we have NO savings and comp only pays a percentage of your regular wage (which we basically just scrape by on as it is)
~my mother (who owns the house Sam and I live in) is still unemployed and is most likely not going to be able to pay her property taxes AGAIN, (normally we would be NOT paying her rent, we’d stash that money away to use to pay her property taxes, because she’s somehow incapable of doing that on her own) but she has left me with not enough time to save up enough of our rent money because I was busy using that money to pay back my grandfather for the last time this happened

if you’re confused or weren’t here back then, you might wanna read THIS to see what I’m talking about

~we're thinking of/hoping to move - at first to Arizona (Sam WAS all gung ho about the idea of moving to Arizona) now he just wants to go ANYWHERE to get the hell out of HERE so we don't have to depend on my mother for a roof over our heads anymore

~but now with this whole back injury/no work thing, it’s possible we won't be able to even come up with first and last months rent in order to move ANYWHERE

~my grandfather is losing his mind!! they think it’s alzheimer’s… he doesn't even know who he's talking to half the time - another reason I want to move away… selfish as it sounds, I just do NOT want to be around to continue to watch him deteriorate!! I’d seriously rather have the excuse of living way far away and just remember him the way he used to be – does that make me a bad person?

~I miss my best friend (who’s been having health problems and is causing me more worry) my niece and my sister - who ALL moved away last year!!

them not being here also means I never get out for a ‘girls’ day… the only time I get out of the house without Sam is with my mother, who drives me out of my fucking mind!! it’s hardly a girls day out… it’s usually running errands – and she makes everything take twice as long as it needs to!! otherwise the only time I really get out of the house is to go grocery shopping or the chiropractor with Sam – rarely for anything relaxing or fun

~the house!! a MESS!! I'm very much an 'a place for everything and everything in it's place' kind of person... and this house has NO PLACE for anything!!

I've kinda given up on trying to keep it looking decent because I constantly feel like I'm shoveling shit against the tide - seriously it usually looks more like a garage in here - no matter where I look I'm seeing something that should be 'put away' like the vacuum, brooms, shoes - there is no place to keep them so we just stick them in a corner, and we only have so many corners

you have to move the vacuum to get to the cd rack!! GAH!! that kind of shit drives me CRAZY!!!

and yes I know it could be worse… some people don't have a place of their own to vacuum in the first place - and yes I'm grateful for having a roof over my head... but that doesn't mean it doesn't get to feeling overwhelming having to look at this shit all the time – especially knowing that it’s MY job to make it livable!!

we WERE planning to build a loft after Christmas to help with our storage problem… but that is OUT – we don’t have the money and even if we did, lately we’re always in ‘we may be moving sometime soon’ mode – WHICH I FUCKING HATE!!!

I don’t even want to move but I want to move just so that we’re not in that state of limbo… will we or won’t we? and it’s not even just a matter of whether or not we want to… we may end up having no choice!! (assuming the property tax money won’t start growing on trees)

this all leaves me feeling like all I can do is sit and stare – when I do have moments where I’m doing nothing, it’s out of mental exhaustion – NOT because I’m caught up and have time to spare

so I feel like I can’t take time to do anything I actually enjoy… even just to sit down and watch a movie makes my brain itch anymore… I just feel like I can’t relax – and I have all these ‘projects’ I want to do – projects I’ve been wanting to do for 2 or 3 or 4 years!! but I just can’t think

and then there’s sex… I married one of those strange men who actually wants some!! I don’t have a great sex drive to begin with, then add all this crap constantly running through my head, which won’t turn off!!

the other day I was giving him a blow job and through half of it I was trying to figure out how to wrap my sister’s (late) Christmas present for shipping and brainstorming ideas for a book I want to write for my niece

it’s hard to do that well when you’re mulling over ideas for a children’s book!!
that kinda shit may do it for some people… I’m just grateful I’m not one of them!! haaaa

so obviously I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately… most of the time I just trudge through – but there is somewhat of a snowball effect to doing that… if you have at least 8 things to do every day, and today you only get 6 of them done – tomorrow you’ll have at least 10 things, assuming everything goes smoothly and nothing else is added to your workload

if enough days go by where you don’t accomplish everything you mean to do, it eventually becomes too much!! which is pretty much where I’m at…

on the day of the big meltdown Sam REALLY did a lot to help me out – although the whole time he was ‘helping’ me I felt like screaming at him to stop!! it felt like every clang and shuffle was driving me crazy!!

because as much as I LOVE that he was trying to help me, it makes me feel worse that he even has to think about it – but for now I guess I just have to accept his help and be grateful that he is the kind of guy that is there for me and wants to help and will do whatever he can to make my life better

and I AM grateful for that!!

but I want to be SUPERWIFE and have everything perfect and neat and clean and delicious food prepared – and never feel overwhelmed or whiney

I know that’s unreasonable – but it is what it is… I’ve always been that way and I kinda doubt I’ll change… in fact I don’t want that to change!! I want to be in a situation where I can handle my stress better so that I can organize, prioritize and have everything in nice smooth functional ORDER!!

I’m like a mental patient with my need for order – in fact if I had insurance I’m pretty sure I WOULD be a mental patient, but as it stands right now I’m just MENTAL

not that there’s anything wrong with a need for order – but I REALLY flounder without it!!

so there it is… and it has taken me 4 days to get this post written!! so that’s another stupid thing hanging over my head hehehe strangely though that is not bothering me anywhere near as much as it would have 6 months or a year ago – I think my ‘computer routine’ has been screwed up for long enough now that it’s not a routine anymore haaaa

anyway… on the plus side – Sam’s employer sent him a lovely gift the other day



with a card and a mylar balloon - which when I catch it out of the corner of my eye I keep thinking is a globe… even though I know we don’t own a globe

the balloon says “GET WELL” but I’ve been joking that it really means ‘PLEASE DON’T SUE US’

as for the box of goodies… it is (was ha!) chocolate dipped apples and strawberries – and they were SOOOOOOOOOO yummy!! – seriously if you ever need to send a gift like that, check out their web site - the whole thing was beautiful!! and every aspect of it was quality – right down to the cups that the individual pieces of fruit were in – I HIGHLY recommend it if you want to put a smile on someone’s face!!

I’d way rather get ANY of the things they offer than a bouquet of real flowers!! at least you get to eat it instead of watching it die haaaa

oh well I guess I’ll shut up for now - it’s after 9 and Sam is still sleeping… the lazy bastard!! I’m gonna go wake him up so I can start my day

I'm in a good mood and really looking forward to the day - it’s dark and rainy here (my favorite kind of day) - there’s even a flood watch and a wind advisory - WOO HOO!!

I hope wherever you are that it’s you’re favorite kind of day too!! have a GREAT weekend everyone!! =)

it's mellllllting...

the last 2 times we had unseasonably nice weather I was too sick to enjoy it… and it’s lookin’ like I’m going for a 3rd – probably a combination of all the holiday running around/not eating right and sitting in the germ stew of the hospital and doctor’s office with Sam last week (speaking of which, he's at the orthopedist right now... I'll post an update on that whole story later in the week)

yesterday I started with this really painful swollen gland in my throat – and I’m feeling kinda sinusy – but I’m doing my cold eeze, echinacea and lots of water so I hope to nip it in the bud

it’s supposed to be in the mid fifties today and the mid SIXTIES tomorrow!!! which is nice for a couple reasons… one, it will melt the snow, which, as pretty as it was when it fell…



I’m sick of looking at it now… Christmas is over and as far as I’m concerned the snow can be gone now too – I used to LOVE the snow and LOVE winter but the older I get the more easily I tire of it – probably because I don’t get around in it as well as I did when I was ~gasp~ YOUNGER

when I was a teenager I would manage to maneuver on the snow and ice in tight jeans and shoes with zero traction – when I was a little older I wore open sandals (think Birkenstocks) all winter long with no socks… back and forth in the snow and ice!!

now I feel like I have to bundle up in eskimo gear and wear shoes with something grippy on the bottom to keep me from slipping – if my feet or neck get cold forget it!! – I really don’t know how I got to be so sensitive… I used to laugh at people for complaining about the weather here… I’d ask why the hell they live here if they don’t like snow

now I’m one of them!! GAH!!

seriously - if I had a front lawn I fully expect I’d be yelling at kids to get off of it!!

another reason the warmer weather will be nice is that I could REALLY use some FRESH AIR!! sick or not, I hope to get outside even if all I do is sit and breathe!! haaaa

I might even open a window or two and air this place out if it actually gets up into the 60’s

anyway – I had something I wanted to write about… and ask your advice on – but I’m feeling kinda lazy and I’ve already whined enough for one day… so I’m gonna hold off for now… maybe in a day or two when this gland stops hurting (seriously it HURTS even when I’m not trying to swallow!!) and winter returns I’ll get back to my regular... ummm.... verbosity – but for now I’m gonna rest and enjoy our little January thaw :)

isn't it enough that I wrote a post? do I have to come up with a title too?!!

I have been kinda neglecting this place… again! I’ve been wanting to pop in and tell you all about Christmas (particularly the awesome gifts I got hehehe) and about the pretty snow we had… and new years and all that – but I haven’t had much time

we have an old rule that I’m not supposed to be here when Sam is at home – and he’s been home a lot between Christmas and new years - he had off 4 days for Christmas, then had to work 3 and was off again another 3 for new years

it was really nice… I enjoyed having him home and he was a BIG help to me – especially with Christmas!!

he went back to work yesterday and I was kinda sad – but eager to start getting back to some kind of normal routine… however, apparently he wasn’t!! shortly after he arrived at work, he slipped on some black ice in their parking lot, his legs went out from under him and he landed flat on his back… in A LOT of pain!!

so he got to take yet another exciting ride in an ambulance – woo hoo

and I got to feel like throwing up from nerves yet again – YAY!!

seriously I’m such a nut job when it comes to this stuff – I am NOT cut out to deal with stress!! some guy where he works called to tell me he had fallen and was going to the hospital, but that he was ok – and I was like uh yeah sure!! if he’s ok WHY didn’t HE call me??!!

I had images in my head of him falling backward and depositing part of his brain on the pavement!!

when they told me what hospital he was going to I was even more worried!! the place is a shit hole!! so I thought – oh GREAT he’ll go there and have some kind of intracranial bleeding and they’ll never know!!

just to give you an idea of this place… Sam’s mother was there several years ago – on the first night we visited her I watched as a nurse dripped a trail of urine from someone’s pee bottle or bed pan or whatever (it’s POSSIBLE that it was a leaky can of mountain dew or something… I couldn’t see WHERE it was coming from so I was convinced it was piss) down the hall – when we left it was still there

the next day… it was STILL there!! only now it was dry and covered with dirt from being walked on for 24 hours

the 3rd night… STILL FUCKING THERE!!!

another relative of Sam’s (an overweight man in his late 50’s) had a bad motorcycle accident recently and wound up there – during his stay he started having chest pains, accompanied by several other classic signs of a heart attack – they told him it was nothing, just aches and pains from the accident

when he went home – he started having worse pains… so bad that his wife had to call 911

he went to the other local hospital and was told it definitely WAS a heart attack!!

how fucking difficult would it have been for the first hospital to roll a damn EKG machine into his room and give him a quick check??

it’s not too far of a stretch to think that MAYBE an overweight 50-something year old man who just suffered some pretty bad physical trauma MIGHT wind up having a heart attack from the excitement and stress of it all

fortunately he survived – no thanks to that shit hole hospital!!

so obviously I wasn’t thrilled to hear where he was going… but he has issues with the other hospital - mainly because his father DIED there... not that people don't die in hospitals every day... they're not your father though, ya know?
but there have been plenty of other examples of how they also suck!! haaa
so I guess he figured he’d go with what he considered the less crappy of two really crappy choices

he had x-rays and a CAT scan – we joked that they’d discover he had sarcoidosis – because we watch WAY too much House!! haaaa – (have you ever noticed that they suggest sarcoidosis with almost every patient?)

anyway… they claim they saw nothing in the x-rays or CAT scan – apparently he’s completely hollow inside hehehe

they sent him home with some vicodin and orders to not return to work until at least Monday

so YAY!! he’s ok!! I was seriously VERY worried at first!! ya never know, ya know?

and YAY!! he has a few more days off – which I assume will be paid for by workers comp. or something… at least it better be!!

it was so sweet though… last night he told me that it ruined his plans for my birthday (which is tomorrow in case you all want to buy me lots of presents) hehehe

apparently he was going to surprise me – he put in for the day off… so he could stay home and give me all sorts of neat birthday stuff… like make me breakfast and take me to the movies – but he wasn’t gonna tell me until after his alarm went off so I’d be really surprised

now I feel extra bad for him!! but really – just the fact that he was going to do that is sweet enough!!

I LOVE THAT MAN!! I’m very glad he didn’t crack his skull!!

seriously though - I got the best gift I could ever have gotten for my birthday… HIM safe and in one piece :)