bye bye black cloud...

ever since ‘the incident’ things have been off here- we’ve been having a hard time finding our groove again – it didn’t help that a couple days after the condom incident, ANOTHER incident occurred that I won’t bother going into detail about – which made me feel even worse

still we weren’t talking and things just felt like they were getting out of control… I think we’ve both being feeling disconnected for a while now, partly because we can barely sleep together anymore thanks to that devil bed of ours!! - it hurts my back so bad I haven’t been able to sleep in there for more than an hour or two at a clip for over a month!! I sleep in my recliner almost every night… most nights I can’t even be bothered trying to sleep in the bed

well that’s part of it – and part of it is just our own individual mental issues I guess

anyway… for the last several days we’ve both been pretty snippy with eachother – I convinced myself that he had some problem with us or maybe just me and he wasn’t telling me what it was for some reason… part of me wanted to hear what it was and part of me was sure if I heard it I’d be devastated somehow… like he didn’t love me anymore or something (I have a way of making everything about ME) I didn’t know what the heck was going on I just always assume the worst

but I knew if we didn’t find a way to talk about it (whatever IT was) things would keep spiraling out of control… I got pretty depressed and started shutting down – I stopped doing anything but the bare minimum around the house and found myself just kind of floating through the days not really aware of anything.

as you can see my last post was done on Thursday but I clearly THOUGHT it was Friday – I even SAID it was Friday!!

usually on Fridays I’m happy… the weekend is near and that means more time with my honey… I make extra sure that the house is in decent shape so that he can have a more relaxing weekend (who can relax in a pig sty?) and because I know I’ll be neglecting it over the weekend to spend time with him... usually by Monday the whole house looks like a tornado blew through it!!

I couldn’t even be bothered taking care of any of that though… I get like that when I get really depressed… I had kind of forgotten because it’s been a good 10 years since I’ve felt anything close to the way I’ve been feeling!! Which I guess I would describe as extremely lost and disconnected

I tried to get past it… every time I saw Sam I TRIED to start fresh because it seemed like every interaction we had quickly turned cold and ugly… who wants to be up to their eyeballs in cold and ugly feelings? it seems to me that the more times you wind up feeling cold and ugly the deeper you dig the hole – so my big idea was to avoid him altogether

usually I want to be with him all the time or as much as he’ll let me… I know we all need our space… I get PLENTY of free time so I tend to crowd him and not give him the space he needs sometimes – I know that and I try to not be that way, but it’s hard!!

anyway… I found myself wanting him to just do his own thing and I’d do mine and we could just be miserable in our own little corners – which made me feel even worse!! I KNOW that can only make things more difficult in the long run!! the first year of our marriage went that way for various reasons and it was MISERABLE!! we were extremely fortunate to find our way out of that hole and I didn’t want to have to try to dig back out of another year like that!!

although since we managed that I KNOW we can find a way to manage pretty much anything!!

anyway… over the last week I’ve tried to talk and it kept going nowhere… which added to me feeling like Sam was trying to avoid something – but what? in my head I was sure it was something awful that could possibly be the end of us and that’s why he couldn’t talk about it

but Saturday somehow by some miracle we got into a discussion – it was no different or better than any other talk we’ve had in the past, trying to hash out different issues we have… which usually consist of us venting frustrations and then coming to the conclusion that as long as we have eachother we can get through anything – things always do seem to work out for us one way or another *knock on wood*

the difference was that in the past I never really felt like we didn’t have eachother to begin with… this time I did because I thought the problem WAS US because it started getting so bad after the incidents

turns out that he’s just been on edge (he’s ALWAYS on edge) but the condom incident (and probably my reaction to it) made it worse… he didn’t know what to say about that (because there really wasn’t anything TO say) and over the course of the week or so he thought all I wanted to talk about was THAT… I had actually pretty well gotten over that within a day or two – right around when incident #2 took place – incident #2 REALLY made me feel like something was wrong with us –I don’t really know how to explain how it made me feel but it wasn’t good!!

when we talked on Saturday Sam told me he’s just been very stressed out by work and other stuff that has nothing to do with me – I guess he assumed I knew that since he’s always stressed out by these things – but I thought it must be something different because for some reason things were worse and getting worser and I guess I told myself it was something to do with me

THIS is why people need to talk… even when they don’t know what they’re talking about… on Saturday he didn’t think he was saying anything that hasn’t been said a million times… and he didn’t – everything he said has been said at least a million times… the difference this time was that by saying he’s stressed out by work and other stuff and not mentioning me or the incident or the other incident or us I realized I didn’t need to worry about me or us… nothing is different… he still loves me – we still have the same old stress and worries and yuck… he’s still a basket case… I’m still a basket case but at least we’re in the same basket!!

instantly I felt better… THIS I'm used to - THIS I can deal with… there’s nothing I can do to make him like his job his employers or coworkers or fix the other things that stress him out in life (mostly his hobbies believe it or not!!)

FYI for anyone else confused by this - hobbies are supposed to relieve stress not cause MORE stress!!

anway… like I said I instantly felt better – like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders… we could be our old fucked up selves again – instead of wanting to avoid him or hit him over the head with a frying pan I wanted to help him

the only way I CAN help him is to do my part… since I was feeling so lost and disconnected I shut down and stopped doing stuff around here… I walked around like a zombie, grumbling and actually consciously NOT doing things because I knew it would piss him off… probably in the hopes of MAYBE getting some reaction out of him

I don’t know if anyone understands but it’s just my nature to try to fix things – when there is extreme stress (like if someone dies or Sam is very late getting home and hasn’t called) I go into overdrive, cleaning and tidying

this stress was different though it made me sick with worry and kind of implode and collapse and just shut down – which only made him feel worse because every day he’d come home from his crappy job that he hates and instead of seeing a semi-clean house, and a warm meal, lovingly prepared by his smiling wife – he found me sitting on my ass not giving a shit

obviously this made his mood and attitude worse… apparently HE thought I didn’t love HIM anymore!!

(you’d think THAT would be something he’d want to discuss) but that’s another story I guess… one which I’ll never understand about men!! hehehe

anyway… hearing that what’s going on with him really had nothing to do with me just totally lifted the cloud that’s been hanging over my head… I started wanting to be a good little wifey again and take care of him the best I can…

when I told him this he laughed at me!! haaaa - he thinks it’s crazy that now that I know it’s not ME that I want to play little miss fix it... but knowing that he’s THAT stress out makes me want to take care of him all that much more… I think that’s normal!! I mean I KNOW I can’t FIX his problems but I can make things more bearable… at least I hope I can!!

that’s kinda just what I do…

so now at least I’M feeling better even though he doesn’t seem to be – at least we’re not bickering and shooting fire out our eyes at eachother anymore - and at least I feel more like I can start doing my part around here!!

after seeing that psycho on Dr. Phil last week who gave himself real incisions to make his wife THINK he’d had a vasectomy (can you believe that freak!?!?!) so he could try to get her pregnant because 'in the past having a baby always saved their marriage' huh?!!! how many times has your marriage needed SAVING and HOW on earth have babies helped??!! I think what he meant to say was that in the past having a baby made her not leave his sorry ass and he was hoping to trap her there again!! - but I digress... I’ve decided to cut Sam some major slack for the condom incident… it really wasn’t THAT big a deal in the grand scheme of things – not that he damn well better NOT do it again!! haaaa

anyway I guess I’m just rambling here and repeating myself and probably not making much sense… I just wanted to say that I’m feeling pretty well back to my normal, terrible old self and I’m eager to make an effort to get our home back in order!! and it’s Monday *checking the calendar* yup it IS Monday - it’s straighten up from the weekend and get some laundry done, day… so I’m off…

oh yeah I forgot to mention the very yummy sex which left us both so wiped out I fell asleep with my face smooshed in the pillow and my ass in the air and he fell asleep all twisted up with his stupid yucky condom still on...

GROSS!! I swear I'm about ready to start up a collection for that damn vasectomy!!

another super cool interview... plus

this time the awesome questions are from Mimi ~ thanks Mimi... I'm really diggin' this interview stuff... I'd have such an easier time with this whole blogging business if I could just be assigned things to write about all the time hehehe

ok on with the show...

1. Type of music you dislike most?

I don’t really know what TYPE it is… but stuff like Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, Richard Marx, Barbara Streisand, Michael McDonald – also newer country pop like Shania Twain, Martina McBride etc.

gag me with a chainsaw!! - I'd rather poke my ear drums out than listen to that crap!!

2. What is the best compliment you have ever received? Who was it from?

gosh I guess I block them from my memory because I can’t think of one… I’ve been told by everyone who’s ever experienced it that I give very good head – but I don’t buy that – as long as it’s half way decent I think any guy will say that if it means they’ll get it again hehehe

I guess it’s somewhat of a compliment that my family compares me to Martha Stewart – I hope they mean domestically and not personality wise

I’m still trying to think – I’ll have to come back to this one…

3. What's your favourite childhood memory?

I’ve blocked a good deal of my childhood from my memory – I don’t think I have ONE favorite memory but I have bits and pieces of favorite things I did as a child
mostly weekends at my grandparents house – swimming, playing board games, doing puzzles, watching movies

one time they paid us each a penny a piece to pick dandelions (they had a HUGE yard!! like each of the 4 kids (me, my sister and our two cousins) could take a side and be out there for HOURS!!) – it was obviously an attempt to get us out of their hair hehehe

of course that was back when you could leave children alone in the yard without them getting abducted or diseased by ticks

4. If you had to pick one color to wear for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I pretty much have picked one color to wear - BLACK without a doubt… it’s all I’ve really worn since I was about 12 – although Sam likes me in brown so once in a while I wear a brown shirt

5. The one thing in your life you would change right now?

probably my weight because I’m feeling particularly fat and unhealthy – but I seem lost and miserable in general lately… which really just kinda makes me want to eat – it’s a vicious cycle… maybe I’ll take up drinking instead hehehe

also I would like to live closer to my niece so I could keep an eye on her

ok I guess I'll post the instructions AGAIN in case anyone else stumbles along and wants to play...

1. leave me a comment saying, "interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. you will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

ok I've been neglecting the TOTALLY AWESOME VIDEOS but it's Friday and I'm feeling musical - so we have one of my very favoritest bands doing an AWESOME cover of one of the best songs ever!!



gawd - could he BE any yummier??!!

we interupt your regularly scheduled interviews for a revelation...

so... have I mentioned that I’m always tired? I always have been – even RIGHT after I wake up… I can sleep for 6 – 7 – 8… 11 hours and still feel tired (last night I slept close to 12 hours and I'm still dragging ass) an hour after I wake up I’m saying I need a nap… no matter what… I can’t remember a time when I actually felt truly rested – and the older I get the worse it is

I’ve been blaming it on my weight all my life – even when I wasn’t really fat but I thought I was… all my problems were because I was fat

but I think the problem is deeper…

in addition to always being tired, I also have A LOT of headaches (which I almost always wake up with), I have trouble concentrating and learning, I can be VERY irritable and have mood swings (I just always chalked that up to being a chick), I’m depressed, have a kinda high heart rate (usually anywhere from 86-98… sometimes higher), high blood pressure, almost no sex drive, anxiety, I wake up quite a bit at night to pee and often wake up with a dry throat…

recently Sam has been telling me that I seem to be waking up periodically and gasping for air…

I’ve never really been able to breathe through my nose comfortably – it’s almost like my sinuses are too narrow or I’m congested or something so I’m always walking around with my mouth hanging open… I look like an idiot but it’s how I breathe hehehe

I’ve also always been a snorer - even when I was a baby… my family thought it was cute!! sure it’s cute but it’s NOT NORMAL!! you’d think that would be something you’d tell a doctor!!

the roof of my mouth was very high and very narrow - when I was about 9 I got this lovely device installed called a haas appliance (I hope you’ve never had one!!)

it looked like this:

it’s job was to widen and lower the roof of my mouth… how? by slowly BREAKING the bones with the daily turn of a key that expanded the device…

it hurt like a mother fucker and I had it for a LONG time!! at least it seemed like a long time… it had to have been several months if not longer

by the time it was removed my snoring allegedly improved and I was better able to breathe through my nose – sort of… I still snore and breathe through my mouth but I was told I had improved haaaa

once that was removed I had braces (with and without rubber bands AND head gear) and top and bottom retainers – by the time I was done with the orthodontist I think I was 15 or so – I don’t really remember (see? memory problems!!) – Sam did I have braces when we first met? I think I did…

anyway… none of this seems to have improved my breathing or snoring problem much

the older I get the fatter I get and the worse the breathing and snoring problem seems to be getting

the more I think about it the more I think I have sleep apnea… I finally decided to look it up (damn internet!!) – anyway check out these symptoms!!

(I put the ones I have in bold)

restless sleep, loud snoring (with periods of silence followed by gasps). morning headaches, trouble concentrating, irritability, forgetfulness, decreased sex drive, increased heart rate, anxiety, depression, bedwetting, esophageal reflux, heavy sweating at night. memory or learning problems, mood swings, dry throat when you wake up, frequent urination at night

without insurance I can’t have a sleep study done to find out for sure… but do I really need to with all those symptoms? can’t I just assume that I have sleep apnea and do my best to fix what’s fixable on my end (my weight)
since I obviously can’t get one of those nifty breathing devices I've heard they prescribe for sleep apnea (I don't think I could sleep with that thing on anyway)

all I CAN do is lose weight – technically that is something I can do… whether or not I can keep it off is another story but we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it I guess…

although if my concentration/mood/headache/memory/learning/nighttime peeing/anxiety problem has been sleep apnea all along and I haven’t always been fat – how much is my weight to blame?

does it matter? I should lose weight anyway…

don’t mind me - I’m just thinking out loud… sort of hehehe

more about me....

ok so here’s the thing – I’m tired of talking about ‘the incident’ – it’s done and over and we’re working on it – time to move on...

but I DO want to thank you all so much for your thoughts and hugs and input!!

ok NOW I'll move on hehehe

unfortunately I’ve had little else on my mind lately so I really don’t have much to say… fortunately I’ve gotten interview questions from a few other people - we already established I LOVE talking about ME - seriously... if I could just answer questions about me all the time, blogging would be so much easier!! hehehe I could use a little something easy right now so that's what we'll go with =)

I see that look of disappointment on your faces – what? I’m MY favorite topic… I’m not yours?! hehehe

anyway I'm going in the order in which I received the questions (sorry for the delay guys) todays questions are from Mary at As If You Care… - thanks for the awesome questions Mary!! =)
for some reason I found a couple of them to be insanely difficult to answer hehehe but I tried my best!!

1. You can be a fly on the wall at any historical event. Which historical event do you choose and why?

I guess I should have paid more attention in school… I can’t even think of ONE historic event haaaa that’s what happens when I’m put on the spot

umm lets see… I think it would drive me nuts to be a fly on the wall at any major historical even like an assassination or the crusades or the holocaust or anything like that because what can a fly on the wall do? I would want to DO something to help or stop things from happening so I’m gonna say I would like to have been present when Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine chapel so I could see how he dealt with having paint drip on his face and stuff hehehe
too bad they hadn’t invented those upside down writing space pens yet or he could have done it in ink and probably made a lot less mess!! hehehe

(I think this is my lamest answer so far)

2. You are in solitary confinement and you can have one song, one book, and one movie to entertain you for months. What do you choose?

one song is HARD I don’t think I like any one song that much and if I do I don’t want to have it ruined by overplaying it - so it would have to be something off of this cd I have called healing waters because it would be soothing and help keep me from losing my mind (which would NOT take long in solitary confinement!!)

one book would probably be the bible… solitary confinement would probably be just about the only chance there is of me actually getting to read the bible… I’ve tried before and I just can’t seem to – I figure that would keep me pretty busy for a while too (which is probably why so many people find God in prison) – otherwise probably Wicked – because my sister bought it for me like 2 years ago and I still haven’t read it

one movie I think would be ROOTS just because it’s like 9 hours long… it would kill A LOT of time!! plus it’s entertaining but also slow moving enough that if I nodded off for a moment I wouldn’t lose the plot haaaa

3. You are going to a dinner party and have to sit next to someone you do not know. You must talk to this person. To start the conversation you have to give a brief explanation of yourself. What do you say?

GAH! am I also naked in this nightmare??!! what would I say? I’d say hi, my name is kitty - I’m boring as hell… I’ve never been anywhere, I don’t read newspapers or magazines, I’m not up on current events, I know nothing about politics, sports OR celebrities and I haven’t been watching AI this season – right about now I bet you wish you sat somewhere else!! hehehe

4. A wind picks you up and blows you half way across the country. Do you walk back to the life you have now or do you start from scratch where the wind blows you?

depends on half way in what direction hehehe and if I was blown alone or if Sam blew with me… if Sam was with me I think we’d stay put and try out the new place provided it wasn’t too hot there… I don’t think I’d like to live in too hot a place!! but there’s nothing really holding us here anymore

5. You are a detective interviewing a suspect. You need to know if the guy or gal is lying. You can either watch the suspect's facial expression but not hear the voice or you can hear the suspect's voice but not see the facial expression. Which would you choose and why?

I’d go with facial expressions – they are a dead giveaway!! people get nervous when they lie – especially if they’re caught off guard and they do things like blink or squint or don’t make eye contact – all sorts of things that could give them away more so than I think they would stutter or something else that you would pick up on in their speech

**EDIT** I forgot to mention the instructions incase anyone else wants to play along:

1. leave me a comment saying, "interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. you will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

the weekend...

all weekend long I half tried to talk to him about 'the incident' and he wasn’t talking – I say half tried because there’s really not much to say at this point – or if there is neither of us knows what

yesterday we were having a lazy morning, just sitting around watching breakfast with the arts – they were interviewing this musician and I was thinking what a terrible speaker he was... he kept saying ‘um’ and uh’ and stumbling over his words and not really answering the questions… then I realized it was probably because he communicates through his music and is probably very uncomfortable with regular conversation

Sam is that way… he says all sorts of things in poems, songs or letters but when it comes to serious conversations he clams up and stumbles a lot – I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can NOT stand when he just won’t talk… it makes me want to poke out his eyes!! he’ll try to walk away and I’ll follow him and keep at it – I think this is just a male/female – venus/mars – whatever, thing – men and women just deal with things differently – in my opinion whoever screwed up should have to suck it up and communicate (or not) in the way that the other is comfortable with – in other words if I screw up and he just want to be left alone I should leave him alone and if he screws up and I want to talk about it... dammit he should talk!!

anyway… so we’re watching that show and he agreed that he's more comfortable writing than actually talking so I told him his should write a song called ‘I lost my condoms but I stuck it in you anyway’ to the tune of the song the guy on tv was playing

this is what he wrote:

I lost my condoms… but I stuck it in you anyway
now I might have to turn gay because I stuck it in you anyway
it was wet and I began to sweat
they were 5 feet away so I stuck it in you anyway

it looked so good, feels so good, without a hood
that I slipped it in anyway

now I’ll never get it again… watch out chicken pen
now I’ll never taste it again… better go call Sven
now I’ll never smell it again… better put it in a lions den

now I’ll never smile again… I let down a friend

apparently that wasn’t exactly how it was supposed to go but I kept talking to him (a no no when he’s writing something) - I'm guessing I REALLY screwed him up right about the part where he decided to put his penis in a lions den haaaa

anyway - later he added a line at the end which I also screwed up by telling him it has to rhyme with friend

he wrote 'this never would have happened if I could stick it in your rear end'

what am I gonna do with him?

explanation time…

I wasn’t actually meaning to say as much as I did yesterday which is why it was vague and unclear - so rather than keep repeating myself in comments I'll just say what I have to say here

first of all he’s well aware of what he’s done and he knows it was wrong and he knows how I feel about it since unfortunately this is NOT the first time he’s done it - which creates an even bigger problem

it may sound silly to some but I think most of you will understand the REAL problem – anyway until he gets a vasectomy (who knows when) we’re stuck in condom hell… neither one of us can stand them but unfortunately they’re necessary since not only can I NOT take the pill/depo/patch or whatever hormone type birth control there is out there but neither of us wants me to and I don’t trust anything like a diaphragm to do the trick

and I’m not in any sort of position to get pregnant, physically or mentally… or financially for that matter so short of not doing it at all we’re stuck with condoms

after 18 freakin’ years of this I SHOULD be able to trust that he knows the drill BUT there have been a few instances where he’s snuck by without one – even though we’ve discussed this at length and we both agree condoms are what’s best for now

so him ummm… not suiting up – feels like a complete disregard for my feelings and a violation – first of all because I am supposed to trust him!! trust him to do what’s best for us and for my well being

so it’s not JUST a sex issue – for me it’s a whole life issue… because whether we like it or not there is a certain dynamic between us and I rather rely on him to be the stronger one

to answer NSM’s concern – when I say TOTALLY off limits unless I give a green light – in which case he’s supposed to think with his brain instead of his dick
I mean that once in a while I too, REALLY would like to ditch the damn condom!!

OR there have been times where we’ve had none and took things to a place where it REALLY would have been nice and in a haze I’ll try to encourage him to do it anyway – he would LOVE to but thinks better of it because he knows I’m not thinking clearly and that it’s NOT a good idea for us at the moment - so we either cool off or find other things to do

yet on a few other occasions he’s just blown off the rules and done whatever the hell he wanted anyway with NO encouragement from me... actually quite the opposite - I'm totally unaware until it's way too late (somehow I can't ALWAYS feel the difference)

he claims he wasn’t thinking… I don’t know what that means because after all these years I would think this would pretty well be a habit by now!!

anyway this whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach and leaves me feeling kinda lost and like I really am the only one looking out for me – it puts a monkey wrench in our whole operation if that makes any sense

maybe I’m overreacting but I don’t really think so – it’s kind of a major issue – so in a way I feel like he’s putting ME in harms way for his own pleasure… and that just can’t be! things don’t work that way

now not only do I feel like he’s not looking out for my best interest – but the ummm… kinkier side of our ex life goes right out the window because I don’t feel like I can trust him to do the right thing – and I was just starting to feel like maybe I could trust him after the last time he pulled this (probably about a year ago)

not that I think he would ever intentionally do anything to harm me but – he’s either unable to see the big picture or he’s incapable of making important decisions when push comes to shove (haaa pun NOT intended)

how am I supposed to feel if every time I just about trust him he goes and blows it again? WHAT on earth will he have to do in order to regain my trust in that department?

anyway I don’t know how to be any more clear with him about this – I sure don’t feel like what I’m saying here is making much sense – I’m real good at rambling but not so hot at verbalizing what I REALLY feel… partly because I don’t REALLY know what I feel – apparently I spend the majority of my life doing my best to avoid feeling things at all

I’ll tell ya what though – I’m not used to being on the receiving end of this kind of advice and I REALLY don’t like it hehehe

although I REALLY DO appreciate it!! I don’t think I could talk to my best friend about this stuff… I don’t think she’d understand what I’m so upset about – but maybe you guys do

if I set aside the every day ramifications of not really being able to feel like he can handle deciding what’s best (which is MY major problem) and just focus on the sexual ramifications – not for nothin’ but having to hand him a condom and remind him to be a good boy and use it, is the bedroom equivalent to having to hold his hand and point out the ring of milk he left on the kitchen counter – it don’t work for me!! and I can’t imagine it would work for him!!

I guess the point is I know there are certain things he’s somewhat careless with – but I should not be one of them!!

but we WILL get over this – at this point I’m just not sure how

bad day...

I’m having a bad day… I don’t feel much like talking about it but I suppose I should

Sam and I are having an issue that keeps coming up and it’s destroying my ability to trust him with certain things of a sexual nature (he did something that’s TOTALLY off limits… unless I give the green light – in which case he’s supposed to think with his brain instead of his dick and NOT do it anyway… but that's neither here nor there because I didn’t give any green light today… he just snuck it on me!!) anyway - I hope he enjoyed the sex he had this morning because despite how WRONG it is to cut off sex – I don’t really see what choice I have at this point

especially since in this case cutting off sex is NOT a punishment it’s just the only way to trust that certain things won’t be done – although it’s unreasonable considering we can’t go our entire lives without having sex again… can we? I don’t know what I’m asking you guys for - I know half of you can’t go 2 days without it!! haaaa

hold on…

my fucking phone rang and it was my buttinski aunt with more helpful career advice for the spousal unit – GAH!! when I am queen… NO MORE PHONES!!

OR buttinski aunts!!!

aah I guess it’s just gonna be one of those days

which kinda sucks because I was doing a good job of swallowing my usual feeling of uselessness and despair and actually enjoying things for a moment – now I just kinda want to crawl into a hole

and I was going to avoid coming here and being all gloomy and depressing because I know it’s going to make Sam feel worse - but this IS my blog after all and what the hell is the point if I can’t say what’s on my mind

besides he should feel bad!!

but him feeling bad is going to ruin his mood and destroy what should be a really nice weekend and that is going to upset me…

so if you’re reading this dear – SUCK IT UP!! you fucked up - fortunately I love you and f f f *gulp* forgive you... lets not let it interfere with everything else!!

getting back on schedule with an interview by fluffycat...

it’s been a while since I’ve been lured into a meme… but never being one to pass up an opportunity to talk about myself, when I saw this one on the next third I just couldn’t resist…

of course it wasn’t until after I was already sucked in that I realized this will mean I may have to come up with questions for some of you – THAT is where I run into trouble - so be patient with me!! hehehe

anyway on with the interview...

Do you want to have children some day? Why or why not?

I don’t really want kids of my own – the spousal unit and I both have polluted gene pools – but I have often thought of us either adopting or being foster parents
my philosophy is why increase the population when there are so many children out there who are all alone in the world

What is your absolutely favorite food?

I’m not sure I can narrow it down to just one… one look at my ass would tell you I LOVE eating!! hehehe I LOVE BBQ… especially ribs & pulled pork… but that may just be because I don’t get to eat them very often

it really depends on my mood… I LOVE chinese food – steamed dumplings, shrimp toast, egg rolls mmmmm

but I also LOVE diner food!! burgers & fries and milkshakes mmmmm

but sometimes I LOVE pepperoni pizza and buffalo wings ohhhh maaaan I LOVE wings!! yeah!!

I also LOVE indian food!! tikka, onion bhaji mmmmm

did I mention popcorn or chocolate?!

man I’m getting hungry!!

If you could live in any city in the world, where would it be?

that’s hard to say since I’ve never actually been anywhere – I’m not a city kinda person so I’m just gonna give an ‘any PLACE in the world’ answer – I’ve actually thought about this a lot when I dream of the day I win the lottery hehehe

I always come back to upstate NY – however rather than where I am I THINK I would want to live in the Adirondacks

if I ever get a chance to travel I may decide I want to live somewhere else… possible ideas in THIS country are somewhere in Oregon, Colorado or Idaho – as far as other countries go... possibly somewhere in Italy, England or Wales

What did you wear to your prom (assuming you went)?

isn’t a prom just a really fancy school dance you have to get dressed WAY up for, that costs money to get into and dress for? do I really look like a prom kinda girl? hehehe there’s no way I would have paid money to go to the prom and sit there in a corner with Sam rolling my eyes at all the giggling girlies when I could do that for free every day haaaa

BUT if I had I would have worn black jeans, probably my Addams family t-shirt and I would have dressed it up with a black cardigan – fancy huh?

If you were handed control of the world, what is the first law you would establish?

that’s a pretty serious question… what comes to mind first since I live in THIS country and in one of the MANY bad states - would be eliminating any statute of limitations on sexual assault!!

globally I think I would have to do something to end human trafficking/sex slavery and the practice of female genital mutilation (female circumcision)

here are the instructions to continue:
1. leave me a comment saying, "interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. you will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

rain delay...

I actually had a pretty lengthy weekend update post planned for yesterday but then I got sidetracked building an ark… turns out that ark won’t be necessary… a row boat will do just fine... all that work down the drain!! - I know you must be terribly disappointed... my weekened updates are always so fun filled and fascinating!! hehehe

usually after the weekend it takes me a day to get in gear… even though weekends these days are nothing that should space me out – I guess just the whole break from my normal routine is enough… I’m like a child that way, I rely heavily on routine!!

anyway Monday is my get back in gear day… and the first thing I like to do is rattle off a post to keep me in the swing of things (it could become VERY easy for me to just blow off this whole blog sometimes... especially when I have nothing at all to say... like lately!!)

but yesterday I was too busy taking pictures to sit down and type

we had a big flood (seriously we were VERY fortunate that our living room didn’t turn into a swamp!!) thank god it didn’t - no help from the state mind you - before he left for work Sam went out and built a way for the water to flow away from the house as much as possible



anyway… I’ve had so little to say lately that my big idea for a post this weekend came when the road crew guy came on Sunday to try to keep the drainage thingy across the street from backing up (in anticipation of the big rain)

we couldn’t resist taking some very lovely pictures of him (sorry for the quality... we were trying to be covert) hopefully even though it’s blurry you still get the idea… if not click the picture and look at the file name haaaa



he was wasting his time (as usual) but in this case I don’t think it would have mattered what he did…

this is what I saw when I opened my front door yesterday morning... when I closed the door it pulled water inside!!



you may remember the nice little stream we have out back… if not here’s a pic of how it normally looks this time of year (this is just so you have an idea of it's normal size... picture it without the snow)



and here is how it looked yesterday morning... I couldn't even get close enough to it to get a decent picture because the ground was so saturated... and with the sink hole to the right I was afraid I'd be sucked in, never to be seen again!! but you get the idea... normally those posted signs (yellow dots on a couple of the trees) are several feet back across the stream and somewhere around eye level... if you look closely you can see one on a tree sort of in the center of the picture that is just about a foot above the water... you can sort of tell how the water still goes several feet back beyond that!!



my mother and I decided to take a little ride around and see what it looked like elsewhere… we made it as far as around the corner – this is what we saw

this is a field where horses normally are… unless they’re swimming horses I guess they moved to higher ground!! if you click the picture you can make out where a fence is supposed to be... although it's mostly under water



and this is a steel deck bridge right around the corner from our house… (that water is the same cute little stream that runs through our back yard)



after seeing the water coming up through the bridge she was afraid to go any further - and it was a good thing too because it wasn't long before that section of road was completely closed

Sam came home early from work and he JUST made it in time - all but one road coming into town were closed - and apparently that one ended up off limits shortly after he got here!! - I don't know what the heck you're supposed to do if you get 99% of the way home and all the roads around your house are flooded out and closed haaaa - I'm just glad we didn't have to find out!!

anyway... my weekend update seems pretty lame now so I'll just sum it up in a brief recap... friday night we hung out with friends - I wasn't gonna go but Sam kinda made me... he said I'd been cooped up inside for too long and I guess he was right... as usual being out certainly made me appreciate being home!! haaaa

he played in the barn with the husband and I got stuck inside with the wife - which is fine, normally... this time she decided to torture me with what seemed like 7 hours of switching back and forth between QVC, HSN and the jewelry channel!! it was like my worst television nightmare come true!! as if I don't hate shopping enough... watching someone else contemplate shopping through the tv is just... I don't know if there is even a word to describe how insanely torturous and somehow boring it is all at the same time!! she could sit there comparing the details of all the different horribly tacky hand bags they showcased for hours on end!!! GAH!!

thankfully she fell asleep and I went out in the barn with the boys... I shot a real gun (not just a bb gun) for the first time... I don't know what kind but it was loud!! it hurt my ears!! it was kinda neat though... loud but neat! didn't seem much different from a bb gun actually

Saturday we went to the movies.. we saw DISTURBIA - I really liked it for a PG13... sometimes that kind of mild thriller-ish type of thing is just right for me - I would actually buy the dvd (for the right price) because it's a good rainy afternoon kinda bum around the house type of movie

speaking of bumming around the house... thats exactly what we did on Sunday - at some point we watched Borat - we both laughed our asses off the entire time!! I was concerned that the movie had been spoiled by all the scenes we had already caught in previews and stuff but OH NO!! there is so much more INSANE stuff in that movie you can't help but laugh just from utter shock and disgust haaaa

I don't remember what else I wanted to say so I'm just gonna shut up now - I have to go start dinner anyway

killing two birds with one TOTALLY AWESOME VIDEO!!

I can't believe I forgot it's Friday the 13th!!!

here I was scrounging for anything I could find to push down the worm and I missed the most obvious...

seven of the best minutes in cinematic history!!



and down goes the worm one more post... WOO HOO

have a GREAT weekend everybody!!

a post to push down the worm...

I really have nothing to say but I feel a need to push that worm post down the page a bit hehehe

I was helping ohio friend try to figure out her scanner and came across some hideous/funny pictures of ME I just thought I’d share… I was actually looking for one of me & Sam when we were about 15 but I can’t seem to find it =(

anyway… to push the worms down a bit… and replace them with something equally disturbing… 3 pictures of me when I was about 16 - you know the drill... clicky to biggy

here I am on a smoke break in 9th or 10th grade - I don’t know WHAT is more gross… that cigarette hanging out of my mouth, that HAIR!! or whatever seems to have spilled on the bottom of the picture…



this is one of those pictures from a photo booth at the mall… I cropped out the other person in the picture because I didn’t figure she’d appreciate me plastering her face all over the internet… or even on my little blog which is only seen by the 5 of you hehehe

yikes!! I look like one of the Ramones!!



and finally the cutest one of all… me handcuffed to another girl (who I cropped out… I also fuzzed out the face of the girl between us because I don’t even know who she is… even though I went to a school of about 20 kids with her every single day)



pleasant looking child, wasn't I?

ACK!! I was in such a hurry to push down that worm so that it wouldn't be the top post all weekend... now I realize THIS will be and I'm not sure which is worse!! haaaaa

two for the price of one…

first of all - everyone is complaining about the weather… I don’t know what it’s like where you are – but here’s it’s been pretty chilly

a couple weeks ago it started looking like it was warming up – we even had a day that was about 75º which was nice… everyone started feeling all springy and planning their gardens and whatnot… the bees were buzzing and robins were hopping around the yard

the very next day it snowed!!

it’s been pretty chilly since then (mostly mid 40’s-low 50’s) at Easter everyone was saying it felt more like Christmas…

this morning I woke up to the sound of ice hitting the roof… and this is what it looked like outside my kitchen door:



that's all ICE!!

personally I LOVE this kind of weather… it’s very fall-like... everyone loves fall so I don’t understand why they don’t just pretend it’s fall instead of whining about it not being more springy… that’s what I’m doing!! instead of complaining about the fact that it’s not really nice enough to BBQ I’m looking forward to a nice yummy pot roast

and the best part about second fall is that any snow we might get won’t be around long… if you get an early snow in first fall I can see being a little yucked out… it’s conceivable that you’ll be stuck looking at it for 4 or 5 more months!!

but second fall snows rarely stick around longer than a few days before either the sun or the rain melt them away

anyway I say everyone put on your scarves and mittens, step outside and take a deep breath and just pretend it’s fall – burn some leaves… bake some cookies… snuggle up under a blanket and watch a movie… enjoy what’s left of the wintery foods… it won’t be long before you’re all whining about it being too hot again!! hehehe

and now for something totally gross!! I meant to post this last week but I thought I erased it from my memory card somehow… yesterday I found it on my internal memory

anyway… I try to eat salmon once a week and occasionally get Sam to have fish too even though he’s not much of a fish lover… supposedly fish is healthy so he TRIES… the only problem is we don’t like the same fish… I eat meatier fish like salmon and swordfish and that sort of thing and he only likes flakier bottom feeders like flounder and catfish

anyway last week was one of the weeks he was on board with the fish plan… we got him a nice piece of fresh flounder that he requested I rub with this yummy curry paste and I had sautéed some onions which I planned to lay the fish on top of to cook on the stove… THANK GOD!! because if I had put it in the oven like I normally do I NEVER would have seen THIS!!



I know it’s a super short video… I didn’t realize my memory card was in the computer and I only had a few seconds of internal memory – by the time I got my card back in the camera it was too late

but if you look closely toward the center/right side of the piece of fish there is a WORM doing a little ‘damn it’s hot in here’ dance!!

actually you can see it much better here...



I almost fell over!! and then I almost threw up… then I sat down with my head in my hands for like 15 minutes totally FREAKED out!! I couldn’t eat my fish even though it was totally different - and obviously there was no eating HIS – Sam saved the day by getting us a couple of subs from the pizza place down the road

but is that not the most grossest thing you’ve ever seen??!! seriously that has to be BY FAR the worst thing that’s ever happened in my kitchen!! I was tempted to throw out the whole freakin’ pan!!

anyway I just had to share that with you guys haaaa

the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

our new bathroom floor!!

(click the pics and watch them GROW)

I guess we might as well begin at the beginning… the doorway… this is what you’d see as you entered our OLD bathroom…




and this was the floor right in front of the toilet… see how it’s all peeled up so that all sorts of gross things could get stuck underneath? not to mention the fact that if you weren’t careful getting up you’d trip and crack your skull on the bathtub... many a day I envisioned myself being found with my brains leaking out onto the cruddy old floor after having tripped over that bit of cracked and peeling linoleum - seriously between the bacteria brewing in the cracks and the way it was peeling I feared for my life in there every day!!



here is a more close up look at how totally disgusting it was around the toilet (is that not just the most grossest thing ever?!!) and because it was full of some sort of adhesive all that hair and grime and yuck was STUCK in there… NOTHING I did made any difference!! which MIGHT not have been so bad if I didn't know that the guy who lived here before us threw lots of parties where lots of people got drunk and probably missed the toilet with either pee or puke all the time!! GAH!!!



and this is just to give you an idea of how far across the floor that peeling went…



all I could do was take up the first layer… which was just sheets of what looks like linoleum scraps the last tenant swiped from a job site and hoped would cover the floor… it obviously didn’t – anyway this is what was lurking beneath that first layer!! could that BE any more gross?!!



anyway here is Sam chipping away at he next two layers of poorly measured vinyl tile… TRYING to get down to the original floor (industrial tile like what you would see in a school or mall) what we thought would be our best bet at getting a semi clean & level surface



FINALLY all his hard work pays off… here is a view of our NEW doorway… nothing to trip over and no place for crud to cling



and around the toilet… nothing gross to step on or trip over… he decided to caulk around the toilet just to be doubly sure that it doesn’t come up in the future because the floor was a little uneven there due to some botched work that had been done by other tenants or the people who built the place… who knows – neither one of us is particularly happy with the caulk but compared to what things were like in that area before, the caulk is byooootiful!!



and here is a view in front of the vanity just because I had one in the before pictures hehehe



and this is an overall view (from the edge of the bathtub) of what WAS the worst of things so you can get an idea of how it looks more like a bathroom fit for humans… I wish I had taken one like this of the before view so you could see my old curtains and stuff too… I made new ones to go better with the new floor… or course I’m not in love with them… but they’re better than the blue ones I had before (which you can see bits of in the before pictures)



anyway it's still not perfect... thanks to whoever built the place - I have to have that curtain under the counter because there's a big pipe there which would normally be under the sink but for some reason they put the vanity farther to the right - sorta under the window but not quite even... now if you are doing anything at the sink that requires a mirror you have to keep stepping back and forth... AND the toilet which should back right up to the wall is set several inches from the wall for no apparent reason... which makes cleaning behind there pretty difficult

BUT all in all it's fine with me... I'm just SO happy to have a new floor I don't really care about the rest (especially since there's pretty much nothing we can do about that stuff)

the next bathroom project on my list:

find 3 closet doors or something to hinge together that I can use to hide that hideous giant water heater that seems to dominate the room!! AND some kind of baseboard material to hide those exposed pipes and whatnot along the bottom of the wall!!



wish me luck!!

EDIT: one of the pictures wasn't working - but it's fixed now =)

you make the coffee and I’ll bring the cherry pie…

I’m sure none of you care…. but I couldn’t be more excited if the prize patrol pulled up to my door and Ed McMahon himself walked up and gave me a 10 million dollar check!!

why am I so excited?

they FINALLY released the second season of TWIN PEAKS on dvd!! I’ve been waiting for this for... I dunno... as long as they’ve been making dvds!!

seriously I’ve been checking amazon every month or so for YEARS and YEARS just waiting for the day that they say (and actually mean) that they’re FINALLY releasing season two and it FINALLY happened – I didn’t believe it a couple months ago when they SAID it was being released on April 3rd – I said I’ll believe it when I see it because I’ve been being teased about this release for YEARS!!

we’ve been holding off on buying season one because we didn’t want half a show (there are only two seasons) and it was taking so long we didn’t figure season two would ever come out – if we bought season one, every time we looked at our shelf we would just get irritated that the other season was missing

but of course now that season two is out you can’t get season one for less than like $125!! so now we can get season two but will still be missing a season because who the hell can pay over $100 for roundabout 7 hours of tv? even if it is the most awesome tv ever created!! (p.s. if you don't like David Lynch go away and don't come back!!!) hehehe just kidding

so anyway we’re still screwed - but at least they’re both available now – that makes us happy!! see we’re doing a little happy dance

now if they would just release YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON TELEVISION - my life would be complete!! haaaa

tic-tock the princess and the caulk...

well I was gonna post before & after pictures of our bathroom floor today but Sam says it's not quite done yet - he wants to caulk around the edges

of course now I have nothing to say – we did pretty much nothing together all weekend because he was busy doing the floor and working on a song with his brother - even though he kept saying he just wanted to hang out with me

anyway I had to find something quiet to do to keep me busy… and instead of doing the things I keep wanting to do – like draw, paint, sew, do SOMETHING crafty… or even get ready for the Easter dinner I’m cooking for 12 people in less than a week - I decided to play Zelda - because I’m dumb like that... but SOMEONE has to save the princess, right? it might as well be me!! hehehe

~pause~

I meant to post this yesterday but the spousal unit came home early with a pretty bad cold so I was off taking care of him (watching him sleep) - I guess he made himself sick so that we'd get that time together that we missed over the weekend haaaa

he’s home again today… but he seems to be a bit better which is good of course!! although better means less sleep which means more running around for me - which means less time to get other stuff done… which is NOT good 4 days before I’m supposed to have a dozen people here for dinner

but as long as I don’t catch his disease before Easter I’ll do just fine… otherwise I’m canceling the whole thing anyway – so keep your fingers crossed because there’s no way the two of us can eat a 7 pound ham by ourselves haaaa

anyway… I don’t have much to say or any time to say it – if he’s feeling well enough to handle the caulk today I’ll post the before & after pics tomorrow… I know you’re all just breathless with anticipation - and who could blame you… I mean what could be more exciting than pics of our bathroom floor?

except for maybe pics of Sam handling his caulk!!