comment turned post....

a few days ago I posted about a light bulb moment I had reading Amber’s blog and we got into a conversation about it in the comments that has lead to a few more light bulb moments – I figured since that post is getting buried by more posts and since I’m writing post length comments anyway, I might as well make a new post out of what I had to say back to Amber’s most recent comment

I can’t rehash the whole thing so if I don’t seem to be making sense you can go HERE to read that post and the comments attached to catch up =)

hmmm ok I'm sure I'll offend someone with this post but that's life I guess....

anyway in Amber’s most recent comment she was saying that: D/s and all it's various expressions is the most contrary, contradictory topic she’s ever tried to explain or understand

I feel the same way and have thought about that many times… I wonder if it’s so contradictory because of society and the way we were raised…. the times we were raised in… this whole idea is certainly nothing new, so I wonder how women dealt with it 100 years ago – 200, 1000 years ago – whatever ya know? not having lived in a time where women were looked at squirrelly if they didn’t try to act like men

that didn’t come out right hehehe - obviously I don’t mean a woman doing a traditionally male job is trying to act like a man…. but nowadays women are looked at badly if they appear more submissive, don’t work outside the home or don’t at least LOOK like they wear the pants! that sort of thing

(this is why I don’t write about this stuff much, everything seems to come out wrong!) hehehe

anyway since back in the olden days that wasn’t the case, women were expected to do the things we now feel guilty for wanting to do - I wonder if they had to deal with similar issues of guilt or thinking something was wrong with them when they had the same type of submissive feelings that we have…

maybe they had more religion related guilt attached to the whole sexual aspect more so than the day to day power exchange stuff – whereas I think nowadays for the most part we deal better with the sexual stuff because we’re bombarded with ‘kinky’ sexual images and words every day – we don’t live in an era of modesty by any means

not that we always deal well with the sexual stuff either but speaking for myself anyway I have less issues with my submissive role in the bedroom than I do outside of there – maybe that’s because it’s more hidden from the rest of the world… maybe it’s because I have a different idea of what sex should be haaaa

don’t get me wrong – there are certainly aspects of things that go through my mind as far as sex goes that make me feel guilty or like there’s something wrong with me (rape fantasies for example) but I don’t usually feel like I need to defend myself regarding those thoughts, as opposed to the day to day stuff

perhaps that’s because nobody else knows my private thoughts…. whereas people who come into my house or who see me and Sam interacting are able to notice certain things if they look closely.

who knows!! hehehe

in regards to me trying to figure out where and how I am submissive, Amber also said that she is very service oriented and that it sounds like I might be too….

I definitely am! and when I get overwhelmed by circumstances beyond my control (mainly my mother and or my sister) I start to shut down and the house gets messier and the meals get later and not as good – basically the quality of my service goes down – and the longer it goes on the worse it gets

this is one of the things I struggle with the most

and when people try to make more and more demands on my time they don’t seem to understand how important it is to me to make my home a nice place…. when I make plans (like babysitting for example) and I get held up by them they don’t understand why I’d get tweaked that I’m not home to get dinner ready, they say things like ‘can’t he make a sandwich or something?’

sure he can but that’s NOT the point!! the point is I feel like they are disregarding the fact that I want to get home and make a nice meal for my husband so he can relax and be fed after working hard all day!! they honestly don’t seem to understand why on earth I would care!!

my sister would always say ‘my husband can cook his own dinner if he gets hungry’ and when Sam worked with her husband he would tease Sam for calling me on his way home (which he did so I’d have an idea of when to have dinner ready because they worked unpredictable hours)

if I happened to be outside when him and his co-workers showed up the guys (not Sam) would say things like ‘dinner better be ready and on the table woman!’

like there is something wrong with wanting him to have a hot meal at the end of the day!!

I still don’t have any clue what these people are thinking!! but I do know that my sister’s marriage failed miserably…. I can’t help but think if they each put in more of an effort to make things nice for eachother and have some regard for the other that maybe they wouldn’t be getting divorced!!

it’s attitudes like theirs that make me stop and think maybe there IS something wrong with me, even though I know it’s them that should rethink their ideas, I still find myself feeling guilty for enjoying wanting to make a nice home that my husband wants to come back to after working hard all day dealing with the crap that comes with customers and co-workers and all that…. that guilt is what I was talking about earlier

Amber said “Then I get pissed off at feminism for making me ashamed of something that for eons was considered such a valuable role.

Then I remember that without feminism, I wouldn't have a choice and if I didn't have a choice, would I still feel that way about it?

Then I wonder if maybe they're right and there is just something wrong with me after all.

And so it goes. The never-ending analysis and questioning.”

and I find I get pissed off at the whole feminist thing too…. for a long time I would blame feminism for the downfall of our society – the fact that nobody is home raising the kids anymore, instilling morals and raising self esteem and all that….

then I realized too that it’s not feminism…. not the original idea of it anyway

but something has happened to that idea along the way… it’s gone from the idea that women deserve the right to choose what they want to do with their lives and that they deserve equal pay for equal jobs to YOU MUST WORK AND PROVE THAT YOU ARE BETTER/STRONGER/SMARTER THAN MEN!!! it’s not about equality at all anymore – it almost seems like it’s about proving that men are obsolete

I would probably consider myself a feminist based on the original meaning but certainly not by today’s standards!!

because in the times we live in now, the current meaning of that word is skewed…. I FULLY AGREE that women deserve the right to choose what they want out of life and if they choose to work that they deserve equal pay and all that but I’m so sick of this ‘anti-woman’ look given to those of us who don’t choose what the majority thinks we should – like now that we have a right to do ‘MORE’ (whatever that means) we MUST or we’re some kind of traitor to our sex

was it really about the right to choose or was it more about proving that we’re better?

I'm tired of feeling ashamed for the way I feel in my heart about what’s right for me just because some twits have gone and gotten confused about the idea of what it means to be a woman…. and to have the right to CHOOSE our own paths!!!

I can’t help but wonder how that attitude is working for them as far as their relationships go…. I can’t help but think there must be some sort of a connection between this warped idea of feminism and the rising divorce rate – AND the fact that kids these days seem to be living by what little wits they have!! I could go on and on about this and maybe some day soon I will but for now I think I better shut up hehehe

my point is that we're all just people, we deserve EQUAL rights – I feel equally as strong about a man having the right to choose to stay home while his wife goes off to work without being made to feel guilty or like some kind of freak as I do about me having the right to the choices I’ve made for my life…. I’m sure house husbands/stay at home father’s get the same squirrelly looks…. and it’s BULLSHIT

this isn’t some kind of Stepford world, we can’t all do the same things – and I can’t understand why anyone cares what anyone else is doing so long as nobody is getting hurt!!!

what ever happened to live and let live?

while strolling through the park one day…

I originally planned to post yesterday, about something completely different… but then my sister called and said she was going to the park and my niece requested my presence – well who am I to turn down a request from a princess?

so I abandoned my plans for the day and packed up for a trip to the park (another one of the benefits of being a housewife… but I’m getting ahead of myself)

a couple of interesting things happened while we were there…. first I met a woman, a grandmother of one of the kids running around I assume, maybe a babysitter – anyway Emmy Loo (that’s my niece) ran off toward the swings and my sister followed, leaving me behind to talk to this woman – she seemed nice enough I guess although we all know how much I HATE small talk!! this woman wasn’t fucking around though, she dove right into the good stuff, asking all sorts of personal questions

at one point she asked if I work (the park at the time of day on a Wednesday is usually full of stay at home moms and we had already covered the fact that I don’t have children so I guess she was wondering what such a ‘young looking’ (her words not mine) woman was doing at the park in the middle of the day

I told her I don’t work, unless you consider cooking, cleaning, washing, scrubbing, sewing, mending and taking care of the house, work - and I laughed

she agreed that it is work *phew*

then she asked if I just never wanted to do anything MORE… as if I can’t possibly be fulfilled by what I do

I said ‘no – I’ve always wanted to be a housewife’

‘that’s ALL you ever wanted to do?’

‘yes - ever since I was a little girl I always pictured myself as a housewife when I grew up, even play time was usually spent doing pretend cooking and cleaning’

‘but so you never pictured anything MORE?’

I said ‘I go back and forth about wanting kids at this point but other than that, no! this is what I want to be doing, and I always have’

by this point I was getting pretty irritated…. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for some people to wrap their minds around the idea that some people are happy taking care of their house and their man

where was it written that just because we now have the option to climb the ladder alongside men that we all MUST do it?!

sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era… yes I agree that women should have a right to go out and work if they want but doesn’t that mean that they should also have a right NOT to if THAT is what they want?

I’m so sick of people giving me the hairy scary eyeball because I’ve chosen to stay at home…. I’m sure we make financial sacrifices because we only have one income – but sometimes certain things have to be sacrificed in order to maintain happiness and your sanity!!

~ shut up I know I’m not sane!! hehehe

anyway maybe I should have gone into the whole ‘I don’t drive and I’m a fucking mental case, so working outside the home would be very difficult for me’ thing…. which is all true… but the real fact of the matter is that I’m very happy doing what I’m doing!!

we live a certain way and for US that wouldn’t work if I had a separate job… I know me and I know us and THIS is how things work for us!!

besides - I see other people complaining about their miserable jobs and coworkers and commutes and other crap all the time…. I see how much Sam struggles working at jobs he’s not happy with – why, if I’m happy, should I be made to feel like I’m some kind of worthless loser for doing what makes me happy just because it doesn’t bring in a paycheck?!?!!

and why on earth do these people care?!?!!

grrrrr

why didn’t I ask her what the hell it mattered to her anyway? hehehe

anyway I just had to get that off my chest…. but judging by the gazillions of other people like me who run into the same crap on a regular basis I reckon this issue will never be resolved ~ sigh

if even people who have chosen to and are fortunate enough and make the sacrifices required to be able to stay at home with their children get dirty looks from people who think not ‘working’ is wrong then there’s no way anyone will ever understand how someone who doesn’t even have kids could stoop to such a lowly existence.

moving on….

I finally broke away from this old bat when my niece asked for me to push her on the swing – I never thought I’d be so happy to push a kid on a swing in my life!! hehehe

so there I am pushing away while my sister took a break and sat in the sand eating some carrots and hummus, when another woman walked up and plopped her kid in a swing – evidently my sister knew her, they started talking and somehow they got onto the subject of relationships – my sister (shaking her head) told this woman that I’ve been with the same guy since I was 16…. the woman looked at me squirrelly… I just shrugged and jokingly said ‘we’re freaks’

and she (totally straight faced) said ‘or you’re just incredibly patient!!’

I though… why yes I am pretty patient, but that’s not the key to a successful relationship!

my sister said ‘whenever I tell her my husband did this or that and it’s driving me nuts, she says oh yeah Sam does that too… - but she just puts up with it!’

we’re talking about things like leaving an empty milk carton on the counter or not putting the snow shovel away when he’s done – things that make no real difference in the grand scheme of things

I swear these are things that have snowballed into their impending divorce (of course there are MUCH worse issues involved) but they would have ended up divorced anyway because of their nit picky inability to tolerate eachother!!

so I guess another thing I don’t understand about people is why it’s so hard to understand how a woman can ‘put up with’ a man

haven’t women and men been in relationships for like umm… EVER!! isn’t that how the human race has avoided extinction?

what is so bad about men that all these women find it so hard to believe that anyone could actually be happy with one of them?!

my sister is always saying ‘I don’t know how you put up with this’ (socks on the living room floor) or ‘I couldn’t deal with that’ (him leaving an unfinished project out)

the thing is I don’t PUT UP with my husband…. I LOVE HIM!!! and he loves me!!

yesterday I was watching Dr. Phil and they had these men on who (in my opinion) verbally abuse their wives…. the one woman had put on a good amount of weight over the years and her husband keeps telling her if she’d just lose weight she’d be hot again – or that she needs to move her fat ass because she’s blocking the tv screen!!

I have an idea asshole… if you want your wife to move her ass why don’t you get YOUR lazy ass off the couch and suggest that the two of you go for a walk together or something

there was another one (maybe it was the same guy, I don’t know I was in the middle of doing some chores) this guy was saying that he can’t stand to see his wife naked!! can you believe such a thing?!!

if my husband ever talked to me the way these men talked to their wives I would be so hurt and damaged inside I would probably curl up in a ball and cry

obviously Sam would prefer it if I lost some weight but he has NEVER made me feel like a fat pig!! he wants us BOTH to have a healthier lifestyle, he encourages me, he treats me like I’m as thin as I was when we first met (which was a heck of a lot thinner let me tell ya!) he never says ANYTHING that would lead me to believe that he thinks I’m anything but beautiful

somehow we got on the subject of beauty recently and I said I’ve never thought I was particularly pretty – and he seemed genuinely shocked!!

I figure I’m average looking… I’m certainly nothing spectacular looks wise but I doubt I’d have a problem getting a date (particularly if I lost weight) unless I was standing next to Angelina Jolie or something ya know? hehehe

he said it made him sad to think that I don’t think I’m pretty….

well it’s certainly not for lack of convincing on his part!!

he can’t seem to keep his hands off me… and he certainly has no problem with the idea of getting me naked!! he’s always looking at me all moony eyed

he LOVES me and respects me and that is how he treats me…. EVERY SINGLE DAY of the last 17 years he’s never made me feel anything but loved and respected, cherished, honored and appreciated

I guess in exchange for all of that I can ‘put up with’ a pair of socks on the floor once in a while!!

Anyway I’m just ranting like a crazy person and nothing is coming out right…. so here are a few pictures from my day at the park =)

P.S. Amber keep an eye out for a response to your comment a few posts back…. unfortunately one of the draw backs to blowing off your day for a trip to the park means that other things get backed up hehehe

ok on with the show…. you know the drill - clicko biggo!!

the park has a bridge that goes over a little pond area with little waterfalls
this is a view from the bridge:



and these are the little waterfalls:



on the edge of the lawn under the bridge were some flowers with bumble bees buzzing all over them



and just before we left I walked to the edge of the very back of the park and took this picture of the view from the edge – it basically overlooks the edge of town, you just can’t see it through the trees hehehe if I had turned to the left you would almost be able to see our old apartment



oh and Whirl - lookit what I found!!! hehehe

ok so there ya have it.... my day at the park =)

say hello to my little friends!

our family is growing…. FAST!!! why just this weekend alone we adopted 10 little girls!! their names are alfredo, piccata, nugget, fajita, curry, tandoori, sesame, teriyaki, fluff ball and ruth
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I knew I couldn’t compete with all the yummy pictures LiVEwiRe posted of Dave Grohl this weekend…. but these guys are almost as cute!! hehehe

and if you think they LOOK cute you should HEAR them hehehe go on click HERE to see a little video of our new babies hopping around and peeping up a storm hehehe

it was really hard actually being able to get them this year – for a while it was looking like we might not be able to…. for some reason the price of chicks went up by like a dollar a piece and the place we got them last year wasn’t even selling them for fear of the ASIAN BIRD FLU!! what the hell is the asian bird flu anyway? I hope these guys don’t have it!! hehehe anyway at the last minute we decided to give it one last shot and were actually able to get pretty much exactly what we wanted (with the exception of the two little black ones)

no we’re not chicken racists!! hehehe it’s just the little black ones grow up into big sweet dummies who aren’t quite as skilled at avoiding scary wild monsters that want to make a snack out of them =(

this will be the 3rd year we've been able to have chickens (one of the few benefits to living here in the sucking pit of despair) by the end of summer we'll be up to our eyeballs in eggs - as long as we can keep the scary wild monsters (foxes and coyotes) away long enough!! keep your fingers crossed =)

I don't really care too much about the eggs - although it will be nice to have them... every penny counts these days!! my real attraction to the chickens is the fact that they eat ticks!! I don't know what it's like where you are, but I happen to live in the tick capital of the world... I often can't go out in the yard for 5 minutes without finding at least one of those horrible parasites trying to feast on my blood!!

well if you've ever had lyme disease you know why I’d be glad to be rid of some ticks!!

plus as an added benefit, the kids just love them!! even though we haven't had any chickens since last fall, every time my niece comes over she runs all around the back yard looking everywhere - saying 'chicken chicken... where go?!' (she's only 2 she doesn't speak too well yet) hehehe but the chickens really are a surprisingly hot conversation piece - as if people have never seen chickens before hehehe

I just LOVE them!! even though they keep eating my strawberry plants!!! they're just so cute!! once they're big enough to keep outside, they run around the yard gobbling up the evil ticks and when you go outside they come over and visit with you (hoping for a treat I suppose)

I probably look like a total lunatic but I talk to them all the time - hey I talk to the cat, why not the chickens? hehehe

anyway I just thought showing you our new little babies would be a good way to ease into the week =)

it's getting brighter in here...

I originally had a whole other post planned for today but then I was reading Amber's most recent post this morning and had a little light bulb moment (yes I watch too much Oprah!) and my comment turned into a post of its own

she was talking about the way she behaves when she feels like she’s losing control and how she becomes completely over-controlling toward the people around her….

actually I never REALLY thought about it before but it’s true, it is when I’m feeling out of control and overwhelmed that I get very bitchy, mostly with Sam - of course, the one person I love and respect the most!!

not only do I get bitchy but I get like an overbearing mother toward him!! I’ll say things like ‘uh, where do we keep empty orange juice containers?’ when he leaves one sitting on the counter…. or ‘I know we’ve only lived here for 2 years but the place is tiny, surely it’s not that hard to remember where the hamper is!’ when his dirty clothes haven’t quite made it that far yet (since a revelation in therapy a few years ago I’ve been more than happy to take care of those things for him – unless I’m feeling overwhelmed and out of control, which I just realized while I was reading Amber’s post)

I’m sure this is my feeble way of trying to get him to step up and handle the situation…. I definitely notice that I feel more centered and better able to cope when he puts his foot down and takes more control

of course he sometimes has his own issues and I think he doesn’t always have it in him to deal with EVERYTHING that seems to be on his plate… and I think ‘why should he have to deal with keeping me in line on top of everything else?' this is when I start to feel like a burden in a few different ways… I swing back and forth between bitchy and whiney, thinking surely his life would be easier if he didn’t have to deal with me!! I can be a pest, I have A LOT of issues, plus it costs money to keep me in this luxurious lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed (that last bit was a joke) hehehe

anyway he assures me that this isn’t the case, that he wouldn’t be better off without me - but still I can’t help but feel that way sometimes…. it’s probably normal but that doesn’t make it easier

thankfully this little cycle doesn’t happen very often, because when it does it’s extremely unpleasant!! it has been happening a little (a lot) more often since we’ve been back at the sucking pit of despair (my mother’s property)

it’s actually one of the MAJOR reasons I wish we could move… because it’s the other people around me (mom and sister) who make me feel the most overwhelmed and out of control…. and it does affect our relationship negatively

being a total psycho bitch and treating him like a child is certainly no way to get what I need… he is the one and only person in my life who cares enough to even notice when something is wrong with me or to make an effort to make things better – so it’s always bothered me that he is the one person I treat like shit when I’m out of control

so now that I know what triggers it…. what the hell do I do to change it?

hasenpfeffer anyone?

I didn't intend to post today but I just had to get this off my chest!!!

as everyone knows yesterday was easter... I was pretty excited of course - easter has always been one of my very favoritest days of the year!! all that hippity hoppity springtime fun!! all that candy coated chocolatey goodness!! I woke up and bounced out of bed in search of my brightly colored basket of joy....

I looked and looked and looked all morning long but still I found nothing!! no colored eggs, no marshmallow chicks, no baskets full of chocolatey yum! NOTHING!!! I was totally bummed!! what did I do wrong? I try to be a good girl!! surely I deserve some sweet easter treats!!

with a tear in my eye, I flopped my head on Sam’s lap and asked ‘WHY? why has the easter bunny forsaken me? where did I go wrong? why is there no candy at our house?’

he had no answer….

then I got mad!! did he tell the easter bunny not to come because of this new health kick he’s on (more on the new health kick later this week) he assured me he had nothing to do with it… then suggested that perhaps the easter bunny just got caught in traffic….

I perked up a bit… yes THAT’S IT!! he’s just running a little late…. we’ll get dressed and go to dinner and there will surely be a big fat basket overflowing with sugary deliciousness waiting for me when we get home!!

so we got all dressed and headed down the road toward my aunt’s house… and that's when it happened.... somewhere between here and there is when I discovered the reason why there was no creamy chocolate goodness, no fluffy marshmallow chicks, no colored eggs…

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he got caught in traffic alright!! now there will never delicious candy filled baskets again…

the easter bunny is DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

verrry interesting…. but strange

I’ve always been kind of a stickler for correct spelling - as correct as I can manage anyway with my minimal education

so imagine my surprise when the other day, while floating around blogland I learned that it doesn’t matter in the slightest…. as long as the first and last letter are placed correctly all the other letters can be jumbled all to hell and you’ll still see the word just fine!! well… most of us will anyway hehehe

don’t believe me? …check this out - it’s pretty neat

”if yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe in a hnuderd can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!”

weird huh? and it must be true… spell check didn’t even pick it up!! hehehe

HPAPY ESAETR!!

signs of spring….

it’s spring!! I know it has been for a few weeks… I guess I’ve been too grumpy to mention it (not that you didn’t already know) hehehe it’s been a very weird spring here in kittyville, not much rain at all… yesterday Natalie’s mother set her lawn on fire trying to burn her paper garbage!! I guess I just got lucky when I did the same thing on Tuesday…. half way through I realized I should have had the hose handy when smoldering bits of paper were flying out of the can and onto the dry grass and leaves!!! that night I had nightmares about Smokey the bear hehehe just kidding!!

while I was out there I noticed something weird laying in the yard, about 20 feet from my back door…. something gray and fluffy… something that should have been attached to the back of… a squirrel? I’m not sure Sam says squirrel…. I say squirrels have fluffier tails but maybe that’s only because they make them fluffy?

who knows…. any which way I know certain lizards and a few other ‘slimy’ creatures have the ability to snap off their own tails in order to flee from a predator but I’m quite sure autotomy is not one of the squirrels natural abilities.

so either he made a tasty snack for a scary monster 20 feet from my door or running around somewhere out there is a squirrel with no tail!!

personally I hope I see a tailless squirrel trying to get at my bird feeders… not only would I be relieved that he got away from the scary monster… but it would be funny as hell to see a squirrel with no tail!! (as long as he’s not in pain)

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moving on….

about a week ago I was trying to get in my front door when I noticed THIS - I thought perhaps I wouldn’t post the actual pic incase anyone besides me has a problem even looking at a picture of these things – so consider yourself warned clicking on that link will make a yucky spider appear on your screen!! ACK!! lookit the fangs on that thing!!!

so why did I take a picture of it? I really don’t know!! but I figured I was safe since he seemed to have his work cut out for him already hehehe

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we were out and about recently and I noticed one of my very favorite sounds – PEEPERS!!! unfortunately we don’t have a pond or swamp or any place where peepers would want to be at our house – we have the stream but peepers aren’t into running water =(

someday we’ll have a pond…. or a swamp =)

but for now I have to settle for getting to hear them as we drive past all the marshy, pondy places in and around kittyville…

there was this one place where they were so loud I had to stop and record them

of course the only way I could do that was with my camera… which brings me to another topic altogether – why are people such slobs? when I took a closer look at this image I expected to see an indian on the edge of the water with a tear running down his cheek!!

I was so excited to hear my beloved peepers that I didn’t even notice the garbage in the water

anyway… ignore the styrofoam cup and soda bottle…. just close your eyes and listen to one of the best sounds in the world!! =)

PEEPERS

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we may or may not need to replace our car… so as we drive around running errands and such we have our car eyes on, ready to spot something in our price range…. of course since there aren’t many FREE cars out there we just keep our eyes peeled for anything that looks cheap and clean!! the other day we stopped to look at one and while Sam was doing his guy thing, crawling around underneath it and poking around at it looking for mysterious things only a guy (or a girl with a lot of brothers) would be able to recognize I wandered off to TRY to take a picture of these TINY blue flowers that were all over the lawn



it’s a pretty bad picture so you can’t really tell but they were really TINY pretty little flowers….

anyway it's another beautiful day here today.... sunny, breezy, bright blue sky - it's already close to 75º ...I think I'll go outside and play a while =)

all mucked up....

so it has come to my attention that perhaps I’ve been coming off a little negative lately - me, negative? haaaa!!

sometimes I don't really notice when I'm being negative - maybe I'm not used to people noticing (this is where I start sounding like Eeyore I guess) hehehe either way it's not usually brought to my attention....

for the most part I do try to keep a positive outlook and attitude – people (outside of here) usually come to me to hear my more positive take on things – of course they also know they can come to me for the ‘worst case scenario’ as well…. I’m generally a very matter of fact kinda person – I don’t claim to have all the answers but I can usually sit back and think for a moment and come up with logical solutions which I give them in a very straight forward manner…. they ask me for advice or an opinion because they KNOW I’ll be honest… if I think you’re doing something wrong I’ll tell you! I try to NOT do that unless you ask but sometimes I just can’t help myself – my opinions are no secret

sometimes I wish I was a little less free with my opinions… on one hand I can't imagine why anyone would take a look at me and think I'm someone to ask for advice... clearly I'm a fucking basket case!!! but on the other hand usually the things I have to say to them can’t be denied haaaa usually what I say is based on logic and as I always say you can’t argue with logic!! hehehe

but sometimes I lose sight of logic I guess…. at least as it pertains to my own life situations

sometimes I get mired down in this muck that just seems to consume me!! I eventually snap out of it – or at least I always have…. I never really considered the idea that maybe some day I wouldn’t…. there have been instances where the muck has held me down for long periods of time and the funny thing about it is when you’re in it you don’t notice the difference…. you know something is wrong but you don’t know what to do about it

when you come out the other side you can look back on it and say HOLY SHIT that period of time REALLY SUCKED!! but when you’re in it you rarely realize there is a difference and if you do realize it you’re so consumed by the blahness and yuck that you have no clue how to pull yourself up anyway….

I guess you’d call that depression…. maybe… I wouldn’t say I feel particularly depressed at the moment…. I just feel bogged down

the lives of the people around me are in confusion and turmoil and for some reason that makes me uneasy… my own life, while in considerably less confusion and turmoil is still unsettled at the moment and that REALLY makes me uneasy!!!!

for some reason it never occurs to me to ask for anyone’s help or advice…. I really don’t know why…. maybe because aside from Sam and Natalie everyone in my life has let me down or proven that they either can’t be trusted or are just basically useless

or they are just having their own issues and don’t need to be bothered with mine

maybe I just HOPE that someone (outside of here - other than Sam) will notice I’m frustrated and discombobulated and that they’ll give two shits (this hasn’t happened yet in all my 33 years so why I would hold on to such a hope is beyond me!)

so I guess I use this place to vent…. because I can say whatever I want and nobody seems to give me a hard time or a disappointed look or a disapproving glare or whatever and because over the years I’ve learned that the faceless people behind the screen names pay more attention and notice when something is wrong and actually DO give two shits!!

the funny thing is all my life I’ve tried to keep journals and diaries and I always thought ‘what is the point if nobody else is reading this but me?’

and then I discovered blogging – a place where I can say whatever I want… no matter how boring or angry or goofy or depressing or funny or sad or discombobulated and I never feel like I’m burdening anyone with my thoughts because anyone who is here chose to come here and if you stuck around long enough to see what I said, you CHOSE to do so – I know you’re not listening to me out of some sense of obligation – and I didn’t ask you to listen, you just appeared….

people come and people go and some stop to say hi and some fly on by – but either way it's fine with me because I know you were here and if even one person saw what I had to say then it was worth saying because someone noticed I was here and stopped to pay attention, if only for a moment….

because when it comes down to it I'm just a scared little girl trying hard not to be seen but wishing SOMEONE would notice her

so here I am… and here you are…. whoever you are - thanks for being there and for giving me a reason to bother venting in the first place :)

and for anyone who has been concerned about my less than pleasant attitude lately - thanks for giving a shit hehehe - REALLY!

on that note I think it’s time to change the song of the week (since it's turning into the song of the month) – of course I’ll keep the old song up because it’s Sam’s and he is my husband and my bestest friend so I suppose he deserves his own spot here hehehe

I’ve loved this band ever since I was 5 years old and went to school and met people and realized there was something to listen to other than my mother’s pathetic 8-track collection haaaa

even when the subject matter is unpleasant the music is FUN and you just can’t listen to this stuff without getting a smile on your face!! it was nearly impossible to pick one song of theirs because I liked it more than the others so I chose this one because I got cat class and I got cat style ;)

shut up!! I do too!! hehehe

Stay Cats ~ Stray Cat Strut

Yee Haw!!

well it’s one of those days – every time I sit down and try to say something here either my phone rings or someone is knocking on my door

it's just as well - all I plan to do is bitch anyway!! hehehe

I was supposed to host easter dinner here and my mother was gonna help buy some of the food since we can’t afford to feed that many people this year…. but since she lost her job she won’t be doing that so I was pretty bummed that I wasn’t gonna be able to do easter =(

especially since my sister is moving to Arizona some time soon and this would probably be the last holiday we’ll all get to be together for quite a while – ya never know, it could be the last time my 80 year old grandfather ever sees his one and only great grand child

then a couple days ago my aunt called and said she was thinking of doing it… and I was happy – YAY easter is saved… or so I thought

she doesn’t want my sister’s soon to be ex husband in her house - she’s using my cousin’s recent stab at sobriety as an excuse (my cousin is living in a half way house as part of his alcohol rehab program and will be out on a day pass) – she thinks him and my brother in law were some kinda drinking buddies or something (my brother in law has/had a coke problem) and since he isn’t in a program she doesn’t consider him sober even though he’s had to pass numerous random drug tests over the last several months in order to be able to see his kid

do I think my brother in law is 100% clean and sober - I have my doubts - but I do know that there's no way he'd be high around his kid when he knows my sister would have his visitation revoked immediately!! and I know he would respect a no alcohol rule at a family function, he's done it at ours before!!

I don't think it's his questionable sobriety that is her issue though - in reality I think she is just pissed because my brother in law took my cousin in when she and my uncle kicked him out - then the brother in law didn’t go out of his way to retrieve my cousins belongings when my cousin just vanished 3 days later!! (because they basically forced him into rehab) – you’d think we’re talking about a 16 year old here but my cousin is 26!! I think it’s time to cut the cord ya know?

(I'm not saying they should stop caring about him I just think she needs to stop wiping his ass)

guess what lady losing some of his possessions is the least of his worries!! and I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way in his treatment they have discussed him dealing with the consequences of his actions – consequences such as losing a few personal items because you were too drunk to take responsibility for your stuff!!

obviously HE wasn’t concerned about the stuff – SHE was though!!

so anyway now my sister and niece probably aren’t going to be there because she wants her kid to be able to see her father on easter (not to mention that his involvement in major holidays is part of their custody agreement)

so that kinda sucks!! if it weren’t for my grandfather I probably wouldn’t go either!!

the big questions were all asking ourselves are:

1. if contact with people places and things were you participated in your addictive behavior are off limits then why on earth is he allowed to go home to a place where he was allowed to drink openly (with the family) his own father was more of a drinking buddy than my sister’s husband who he rarely saw!!

my aunt admitted a while back that my uncle is/was also an alcoholic…. is HE in a program??? I seriously doubt it!!

2. WHY is my mother allowed to attend – I’ve never known ANYONE who drinks as much as her!! surely contact with a lush of her caliber would be detrimental to his recovery!!

I can’t help but wonder what they would do if I had been able to have easter here…. obviously my brother in law would have been here – would my aunt have decided to have her own little easter dinner with just her family in order to protect her son from the evil drinkers?

how would that make my cousin feel? he would have to know it was because of him!! and what would my grandfather do? how would he choose which place to go to???

I mean I understand she has a right to invite or NOT invite whoever she wants to HER house but I think she's being a little immature about it....

the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous…. but to get the gist of how insane my aunt is I guess you’d have to know her

a good example is, when my sister and the evil brother in law got married it was very spur of the moment – I found out on Friday that they were getting married on Sunday…. and we were told to ‘spread the word’ to the rest of the family

on Saturday when my sister returned home from school up north she called and left everyone a message just to make sure the word was fully spread

my aunt claims she never got the message and was pissed that she never got an invitation – apparently she expected something engraved and hand delivered… even as last minute as the whole thing was

she pouted and stomped her feet and refused to put on her fancy ‘goin’ out’ shoes to attend the 5 minute ceremony 2 minutes down the road and didn’t even come to the celebration dinner afterward which was 20 minutes away

we could understand if she had said she already had plans – of course you can’t expect everyone to drop what their doing because you decided to get married in 2 days!

but she refused to go because she felt she wasn’t 'properly invited'!!

therefore when Thanksgiving rolled around she made it clear in no uncertain terms that my sister and her new husband were NOT invited!!

what is this high school? I fully expected to see ‘J sucks!’ scribbled on my aunts trapper keeper when we showed up to dinner!!

with a juvenile attitude like hers it’s no wonder she seems to think my brother in law would be lurking by the garage door with a can of Schlitz in his hand offering to get my cousin high…. she obviously thinks we're living in an after school special!!

no I didn't fall off the face of the earth.... unfortunately

I guess I just haven’t had much to say lately… or I have but my head has been too jumbled to get words out!! so I’m just gonna spew and see where this goes…. because if I don’t I may never come back here again!!!

I was really starting to feel better about things… the house was starting to come together – I wasn’t feeling so bogged down with clutter. incase you missed it the last 18 times I’ve complained about it, this place is VERY small and there is no storage anywhere so unfortunately there is no place for anything – therefore nothing is in its place - and that bothers me!! it makes me feel like a slob… and like I constantly need to apologize for the condition of the house whenever anybody comes over – I HATE THAT!!

and it’s true I don’t do all that I could do…. but when you constantly feel like you’re shoveling shit against the tide, it’s kind of hard to get much done

Sam has been pretty helpful with ideas and helping me make some organizational things happen around here – but funds are limited so it’s kind of hard

my mother lost her job the other day (the 3rd job in 2 years) as usual it wasn’t her fault – obviously I’m skeptical…. it’s just not that hard to hold onto a job!!! and she won’t disclose the reason for her ‘wrongful’ termination – she says it would take an hour to explain and she doesn’t feel like going into it – whatever that means!!

of course I feel bad that she’s out of a job it must feel like shit and I know she’s already in a pretty big hole financially so that sucks…. but whatever is going on with her needs to stop!! personally I think she really just needs to learn how to play the game….

she never had an employment problem all the while I was growing up, she ALWAYS had a job! but the problem is – she worked for her parents, then for her boyfriend for like 8 years, and then immediately opened her own business – so she worked for herself for a number of years

then after I left the store (because I got totally burned out!!!) it left her as the only one working so she decided to close the business (which was the best thing for her) and go back to school…

now she’s up to her eyeballs in student loans and credit card debt and for some reason can’t get or hold a job – she’s never had to actually work out in the real world with strangers or for people she didn’t have a close relationship with – and it IS a game!! especially when you’re lower on the totem pole, ya know?

anyway what does this have to do with me and why has it set me back from the more comfortable feeling I’ve been having lately and why does it piss me off so that she can’t get her fucking act together?

because she owns the property we live on and if she doesn’t have a job she can’t pay her property taxes and if she can’t pay her property taxes eventually she’ll lose the property and we’ll be out on the street!! right now she’s a year behind – by this time next year she’ll be two years behind on last years and one year behind on this years and so on and so on – but all she needs to be is two years behind to lose the place – so that gives her one year to come up with the money

that is kinda hard to do when without a job she doesn’t even have the money to pay her normal monthly bills…. the rent we give her certainly isn’t enough to live on

having to rely on my mother in any way for anything makes me uneasy…. because she’s unreliable!! she’s proven time and time again that you can’t count on her!!

so now I just feel a sense of upheaval – and rather than working to get this place in order I just feel like I want to move to Timbuktu!! unfortunately that doesn’t really seem like an option… moving takes money, something we don’t really have much of…. especially since we can't afford to live around here - we'd have to make a pretty drastic move... most likely to some place we've never been before

this feeling of upheaval leaves me kind of depressed and anxious – and who needs that??? certainly not me!! even less gets done if I feel depressed or anxious….

and it’s extra upsetting to me because I was really starting to notice a difference in the way things were working around here over the last couple weeks. and now I just feel like I’m taking 10 steps back… like – what’s the point??!

so that’s where I am and probably why I haven’t been here saying much…. that and I’ve been busy with Sam’s days off and babysitting and stuff

but I’m here now and I said something…. YAY!!! hehehe - I feel better =)

I think….