more dreams....

julio left a comment about a recurring dream he has that involves school – and it reminded me of a school related dream I have pretty regularly too. Since I don’t seem to have much else worth saying today I might as well go with this….

There are two school themes actually but they often meld together….

one is that I'm at school but it's the mall, but instead of stores they're classrooms - which I guess kinda makes sense because schools are kinda set up like malls, with rows of rooms, weird ‘janitors closets’, bathrooms with multiple stalls and a cafeteria/food court

although I may be dreaming this because we used to skip school A LOT and go to the mall hehehe

anyway in my school related dreams it's usually the last day of school and I'm in a hurry, I haven't cleaned out my locker (when I was in school I NEVER used my locker) I'm either gonna have to miss the bus or leave some of my stuff behind. It seems I usually decide I can come back later to get my stuff. next thing I know the bell rings and I'm in a mad dash for the parking lot

I'm not quite sure which bus is mine but it doesn't matter because they're all rolling down the driveway before I even really make it out the door. I try to figure out what bus I should be on but I never do. if I do manage to find myself on a bus, which has only happened a couple times, it’s the wrong bus.

Usually I just have to try to find some other way home…. but I usually wake up before that happens

fascinating huh? hehehe

my favorite time of year....

click!! or else....

this is the kind of stuff I used to spend my time doing before the internet started sucking the life from me hehehe cute ain’t they? apparently I would do anything to get out of actually working!! haaaa that is probably the one and only time anything I ever did ended up in the newspaper, and I’d really like to keep it that way!!

So here it is fall already…. The nights are getting chilly (according to my thermometer it isn't even 40º yet this morning!!) the days are getting shorter (which you can tell by my inability to stay awake past 9pm) it seems like every year around this time me and everyone I know start feeling tired all the time, falling asleep really early and never feeling like we’ve quite slept enough. We all spend a week or two wondering if we’re coming down with something and then we realize it’s just that it’s getting dark so much earlier and light so much later!! we’re not sick we’re just dumb!! hehehe

I LOVE fall even if it does make me a little sleepy – the air is dryer, the sky is bluer, the food is better, all the little critters are fluttering around & frolicking trying to fatten up for winter, and everything smells sweet like ripe apples and fallen leaves. What’s not to love? I can finally open my windows and turn off the AC, put on a nice snuggly sweater and stop wearing those annoying flip-flops – YAY for my black converse all stars!!

Last night I made the most awesome pot of stew with sage biscuits… .I really outdid myself this time hehehe it was the yummiest stew and biscuits I’ve ever made!! I tweaked it a little I’ll have to make a note of what I did.

I’m just happy to be out of grilled chicken salad season. I get so sick of summer food so fast!! I mean sure slapping a steak on the grill is easy and yummy but I much prefer I nice tender pot roast, simmering away for hours with thick delicious gravy, baby potatoes and carrots.

Or a roast chicken with all that stuffing and yummy gravy made with the drippings and caramelized onions and garlic that roasted at the bottom of the pan. Mmmm I love the smell of onions and celery sautéing in butter first thing in the morning as you crumble up the stale or toasted bread. It reminds me of thanksgivings when I was a kid : )

How can you not prefer that to the usual summer fare?

Anyway I’m making myself hungry so I should shut up about food hehehe

Halloween is just about a month away – Natalie dropped off our invitation to her son’s ‘spooktacular’ birthday party!! YAY I’m still not quite sure what I’m gonna be. I’m leaning toward resurrecting my homicidal housewife bit from a few years ago, we’ll see.

I hafta try to get Sam to dress up…. What is it with guys always wanting to spoil all the fun?! how hard is it to wear a costume for a few hours? Bleh!! He’s humbuggy about every occasion, I’ll have to try to come up with something that doesn’t require wearing anything uncomfortable. Maybe I could get him a cardigan and a pipe and he can just sit cross legged on the sofa, sipping a glass of scotch and reading the paper. That would fit right in with my whole Donna Reed thing.

I’ll probably get to put my mediocre ‘scarecrow’ constructing abilities back to work, helping her set up this little shindig. But that’s cool, sadly enough I kinda live for that sort of thing haaaa it should be fun… I’m just glad someone is doing something about Halloween this year. It IS my favorite day of the whole year!! The perfect way to end my favorite month!! hehehe

Oh well I’ve rambled enough…. I guess I better start my day

a recurring dream....

So I have this recurring dream, not very often, every couple of months maybe, but last night I had it again. The dream usually takes place at the same place or someplace very similar, but no place that I seem familiar with. For some reason I have to go into a particular room or area and then it turns into this maze-like thing, which usually seems like I’m headed downward, as if I started several floors up but the building seems to be the size of a normal house.

Anyway I have to make my way from one room to another but the wrong turn could take me in to a dead end. And I can’t just simply turn back, possibly because by the time I think of that I’d have no idea which way I’d need to go so I might as well just press on ahead. It didn’t happen last night but I seem to recall in the past, wishing I had paid attention to the route I took.

I’m often with someone or trying to help someone, like if I can’t get through here their life may be in danger. If I’m with someone I often freak out slightly because, due to the nature of the place it’s impossible to stay together, one has to go through first and hope the other catches up. And the idea of being alone there bothers me.

Often the rooms, stairways or passageways are tiny and almost always at least once in the dream I’ll have to go through something I’m not sure I’ll fit through like a really tiny window or narrow tunnel.

I rarely question the direction I go in when I’m turning or entering a room but once I’m a room or two away I worry about whether I took the right turn. The rooms/corridors are usually dark, and dingy – something like you’d expect an old attic to be like.

In last nights version of the dream there were two young kids with me, a boy and a girl, probably around 6 or 7 years old. I had to try to keep them safe, which wasn’t easy because they weren’t the most obedient children and they seemed to go back and forth between having fun and being scared.

At some point I came to a door that opened into a small apartment. It was really cute and cozy, I remember thinking that I really liked it, and that I could see myself living there. But I was uncomfortable with it because, again due to the nature of the place I felt like at any given time, the other doors in the apartment which led outside could lock or vanish altogether and I’d be trapped there. There were other people there but I couldn’t make out who they were, I don’t think I really bothered trying or maybe didn’t have time to notice before I woke up.

Other times I’ve either just come out the other end having come down a chute that lands me outside or going through a window, and I’m just happy to not be in there anymore. Other times it leads me to a secret area in a house or attic with all these awesome rooms and neat things – a place I could hang out and explore forever. I go from item to item and room to room and think I can’t wait for Sam to see this place! All I wanna do is make it my home. But then I wake up.

A couple months ago I had the dream and the whole thing was that my niece had been abducted by some psycho killer who slowly flogged his victims to death and if I didn’t make my way out of there in time we’d lose her! it was almost like the psycho freak was on one side of me taunting me and my sister was on the other side of me begging for the whole thing to stop. It was very unpleasant to say the least! But in the end I did make my way out :) phew!!

Anyway that it ONE of my recurring dreams…. I wonder what it all means???

100th post!!

since THIS is my 100th post – I feel like I should do something one hundredy to commemorate this momentous occasion so here goes....

100 mostly off the wall things I would do if I was the ONE lucky bastard who won that 250 MILLION dollars last week!! in no particular order…. I’m not gonna mention Sam much because it would be his money too – he’ll hafta make his own list hehehe

so after paying for the open-heart surgery that I would surely need after having a massive coronary….

of course I’d hook up my friends and family sooooo

1. one million dollars each to: J, Natalie, Mike, Sam’s sister, Sam’s brother

2. buy them all houses (except J, I’d pay off the house she already has)

3. buy them all cars (except J, I’d save her Subaru from the repo man)

4. pay for the niece & nephew’s educations

5. pay off Sam’s student loans

6. pay my grandfather the remaining $500 we’ve owed him for 5 years!!

7. make sure the rest of our family is taken care of

8. start a fund – to pay for unexpected medical bills, car repairs etc. for people like us who live just above the income where we would qualify for any assistance and well below being able to afford much more than a pizza after our monthly bills are paid

9. take in as many foster kids as I can properly care for

10. adopt them if possible

11. try to do whatever I could to make sure that all the kids with no place to go are kept safe!!

12. make sure my grandfather (who apparently has alzheimer’s) gets the best care possible!!

13. somehow create more decent paying jobs because there clearly aren’t enough!!

14. get proper help for all my mental issues

15. throw Sam a kick ass bachelor party – since he didn’t get to have one before

16. buy a huge amount of land in northern or western NY

17. build a totally normal sized house on it with LOTS of storage space!!

18. and an indoor pool

19. and another more ‘lagoon-like’ pool outside (I really like to swim!)

20. get a personal trainer

21. and personal chef – but both only for a year or as long as it takes to whip my ass into shape!!

22. get a car and someone to drive me around so Sam doesn’t have to do it anymore hehehe

23. I’ve always wanted a waterfall inside my house

24. a pool table

25. an iJoy robotic massage chair for everyone I know!!

26. a home theater complete with that weird shit that makes popcorn so yummy at the movies!! (proper popcorn is essential!!) hehehe

27. restore at least one dead drive-in and/or build a new one

28. buy back my grandfather’s house

29. buy back my great grandmother’s farm

30. go on a road trip – I want to see all the goofy roadside attractions… I’ll start with NY of course hehehe

31. while on that road trip ONLY eat at diners and roadside stands

32. build the worlds biggest and most awesome year round ‘haunted house’

33. work with J to make the worlds most awesome ‘winter wonderland’ (when we were kids we used to go to this place to pick out our Christmas tree every year that had this cute Christmas tunnel with all these animatronic-like elves and stuff – it was one of the few happy memories we both have

34. get metallica to do a private concert in my back yard but only let them play stuff from the black album and before

35. get iron maiden to play the next night since Sam’s never seen them

36. make at least one totally cheezy, gory horror movie

37. TiVo

38. a really good digital camera

39. get the 11 piece stainless steel Jamie Oliver T-Fal

40. set up the most awesome bird habitat so that all the other birdies are jealous of the ones in MY yard!! hehehe

41. get every single dvd I ever wanted!!

42. an adjustable space foam bed with with heat and massage

43. hire a live in person who’s job it is to rub our feet

44. get involved with habitat for humanity

45. have a private reading with John Edward

46. meet the dalai lama (he seems like a cool guy)

47. buy a house on the beach in Maui

48. and a boat to get me there

49. dive coral reefs

50. go to The New York City Horror Film Festival

51. speaking of film festivals – I’d also like to go to sundance

52. get new furniture

53. get a great big jacuzzi and probably never leave it!!

54. get my teeth fixed – even though thousands of dollars have already been spent on my mouth and my teeth LOOK fine - they aren’t fine to me!!

55. get a dishwasher

56. get lasik eye surgery – my eyes are hardly bad but I HATE wearing glasses!! even though I think they make me even cuter!! hehehe

57. get regular professional haircuts!! – I haven’t had my hair cut professionally in at least 10 years : (

58. probably keep it dyed as well – BLACK of course!!

59. have aquariums and lots of them!! salt water & fresh water

60. I was gonna say I’d go to a spa but screw that I’ll just have one built for me!!

61. have all my hair that would otherwise be shaved, surgically removed!!

62. get a lifetime supply of my favorite acorn slippers in onyx of course!! hehehe which I wear all day every day

63. go on a hot air balloon ride

this is starting to get really tough!!

64. build an awesome rose garden/courtyard type thing

65. kidnap a garden gnome and take it on a trip around Europe

66. while I’m there buy a castle!!

67. go to all the kick ass yard sales and flea markets!!

68. also hit the 127 corridor

69. AND warrensburg

70. have the most well stocked craft room imaginable

71. learn woodworking

72. build a fucking machine…. just for fun ;)

73. pay someone somewhere to tell me once and for all what the hell the secret is to making
sesame chicken like they do in those dingy little chinese restaurants

74. always have good fresh fruit even if I have to have it shipped to me from whoknowswhere because I get damn sick of grapefruits and oranges in the middle of the winter!!

75. buy my own spring so I always know where my drinking water came from

76. go on an Alaskan cruise

77. Louisiana was on my list of places I’d like to go but maybe not so much anymore

78. mark each and every single bill and pay someone to log them into wheresgeorge.com

79. I’d make sure I had a constant supply of lindt milk chocolate and hazelnut truffles

80. have a kick ass second wedding – not that our first was bad but it would be cool to do everything exactly like we would have wanted

81. get a washer and dryer

82. buy and old church

83. build Sam a kick ass recording studio

84. buy some of this guy’s drawings

85. maybe get my nipples pierced

86. maybe get a tattoo

87. maybe get my tongue pierced

88. buy lots & lots of toys and candy!!

89. get me my very own idiot box (computer)

90. get all the nifty attachments for my kitchen aid mixer

91. subscribe to all my favorite magazines

92. figure out a way to engage in a 3-way with Matthew McConaughey & Matt Dillon

93. have at least one of every wacky pack

94. build a dungeon

95. fill it with lots of fun stuff!!

96. get a whole new wardrobe – it would be nice to have more then 2 ratty pairs of pants, one skirt and four shirts

97. definitely have to put a good size chunk toward saving art & music programs in schools

98. return garden gnome, loaded with souvenirs

99. save Hyrule

100. buy more lottery tickets

M-O-O-N that spells CRAZY!!

it was kind of a long weekend but sort of too short too, if that makes any sense.

We had that barbecue on Sunday afternoon, unfortunately that meant that some work needed to be done in the back yard. Some of it was stuff that I couldn’t do, Sam was really great about helping and he had everything he needed to do done by 1 o’clock, not me though :(

we were both starting to regret planning this thing. All either of us really wanted to do was lock the doors, turn off the phones and be alone together in the peace and quiet, watching movies and stuff. Sunday morning came and I said ‘that’s it call them all and tell them not to come!!’ hehehe but of course we didn’t do that. somehow it went from a tiny little barbecue with Sam’s family and a couple friends to having most of MY family there as well.

As usual his family showed up early – about an hour early this time (I had them over for thanksgiving last year and they were even earlier than that) I don’t know about you but I find this to be incredibly rude!!

I’m gonna try to say this in the nicest way possible…. But I can understand how they would think thanksgiving dinner takes little preparation, as they seem to be perfectly content with the entire meal coming from cans and boxes. And hey there’s NOTHING wrong with that if that’s what you’re into but that ain’t what I’m into and they must know this about me.

If I’m doing a meal like that I pull out all the stops, and sometimes that means I require a bit off assistance from Sam. (to hold the strainer so I can get the lumps out of the gravy, or run next door and get me a bowl big enough for the mashed potatoes etc.) we make a great team!! But if they show up early he’s off entertaining them which makes my job take even longer.

Then I start to feel like I’m being rude because I’m not hanging out with them. Believe it or not I plan things pretty carefully so that I have to spend as little time in the kitchen as possible when I have guests. I guess it’s too much to expect others to stick to my plan… perhaps in the future I’ll need to tell them to arrive an hour later than I was planning on.

Also, and correct me if I’m wrong, but in my mind it’s totally inconceivable to either A. not ask what I can bring if I’m invited to someone’s house or 2. just show up empty handed and not so much ask if there’s anything I can do to help.

I know Sam’s sister pretty well, she was 11 when we got together so I’ve watched her become an adult, but for some reason it never ceases to amaze me when she shows up empty handed.

When Sam invited her he asked if she could just bring some chips & soda, not wanting to ask too much of her because she doesn’t do the domestic thing at all, and they’re not exactly rolling in money!! Neither are we which is why this was kind of a pot luck type deal. (all non gift giving parties are pot luck type things around here) we supplied the bulk of the food and all the essentials, meats, buns, condiments etc. and then other people bring things like potato salad or chips, ice, soda whatever. Everyone seems to understand this concept but her!

Sometimes I swear it was like she was raised by wolves!!

For the longest time (until she got married and I put my foot down) we’d pick her up on Christmas eve on our way over to our annual Christmas eve dinner with their father’s side of the family and she would be (and still always is) empty handed. I would offer for her to sign her name to our card. Now she’s married and has an almost 2 year old, if she can’t manage to get her ass to the dollar store and pick up a $1 box of Christmas cards I’m certainly not gonna sweat it!!

But I digress…. So as usual Sam’s entire family shows up an hour early, his mother with her potato salad and his sister, empty handed as usual. Which made me VERY glad I had so little faith in her that I went out a couple days earlier and got 4 bags of chips and five 2 liters of soda!!

I was going outside periodically taking things out to the picnic table, while Sam did his best to help me and entertain them (what a nice relaxing day off it must have been for him hehehe)

During one of my trips through I said ‘I’m almost done with the oven and then I can come out and play – I feel like I’m being totally rude!!’ – his mother says ‘you are!’ I smiled and flipped them all off as I walked back toward the kitchen.

My family starts to arrive and they’ve all brought something they seem to need assistance with – where can I put this, it needs to be cold – where can I put that, it needs to thaw – do you have a sharp knife? – how ‘bout a pie server? My grandfather actually asked me where he might find some ice!!! Meanwhile I’m trying to do my own thing and they’re pulling me in 13 different directions and the phone is ringing!! – who the hell could be calling?!?!?!? EVERYONE I know is HERE!!!!

So much for my neatly planned lists and organization!! Can someone remind me again why I wanted to spend time with these people?

Then my mother walks in and tells Natalie (my best friend) that her son Spaz (who's 5½) is coughing and throwing up from his asthma all over the yard!! I look out my window and sure enough there he is doubled over, with some odd brownish glop dripping from his mouth as he heaves, spinning around the yard like some B movie actor who’s just been shot in the belly in some kind of western showdown!!

Everyone scatters trying to dive out of his line of fire. J (my sister) the pukeophobe comes in carrying her 19 month old, flipping out saying she’s not gonna put her down for the rest of the day!! she doesn’t want her walking in vomit!!

By now I’m completely nonplussed, I just pretty much shrugged my shoulders and went about my business. No fucking way was I gonna go out there and clean up this kids regurgitated snot!! Therefore there wasn’t much I could do so I continued making my biscuits, which taste just like the ones you get at Red Lobster by the way.

Sam did all the grilling, which I didn’t expect but was very grateful for!! And the rest of the day was basically nice…. Of course I had no appetite but that’s ok because that just means I’ll hafta eat whatever leftovers there are for lunch this week :)

Everyone was out of here by like 6:00 which was nice! Brandon was supposed to stop by after work but Sam called and told him not to. I was glad because all I wanted to do was sit in my big comfy chair and watch tv!!

Sam turned on a movie called Snake Eyes (not my type of movie at all!!) but he seemed to be enjoying it. Personally I thought Nicolas Cage’s acting in that movie was about as skillful as Spaz’s wounded gunfighter haaaa

He sat back and enjoyed the movie while I curled up on the floor and rubbed his feet for a little while. Then I ate a piece of leftover banana cream pie and fell asleep (before 8) haaaa

that concludes the story of Sam & kitty’s big year end, clean out the freezer to make room for all the new venison, barbecue!!

Yesterday when Sam got to work he turned his butt around and came home. He was in desperate need of a mental health day, probably because he didn’t get any time to relax over the weekend. He’s been extremely stressed about work and stuff. It kinda sucks because we can’t really afford for him to be missing work but we also can’t afford for him to have a complete nervous breakdown!! I was glad to have him home, we spent the morning getting little things done that we couldn’t do over the weekend and then we spent the rest of the day curled up watching The Stand

Aside from some drama in the morning it was a really nice day, exactly what we would have done if he didn’t have that barbecue!! hehehe NOW I feel like we can go on with the week like normal :)

The End

P.S. tonight will be the final episode of Rock Star: INXS!! As far as I’m concerned the exact right final three are left. who will it be? personally since they opted not to keep the only remaining girl around leaving them no hope of getting a singer that people WON’T compare to Michael Hutchence, I hafta go with MIG!!

because although in the beginning I thought he looked like a reject from the Keebler Elf cookie Tree he’s turned out to be totally fucking adorable!! plus what is he like 6’5? Good lord that boy obviously drank his milk!!

nobody can fake the sincerity I see on that guys face!! (although there was a time I told Sam to vote for GWB because I thought he had ‘kind eyes’) turns out he was just caught in the leadlights!!

he’s obviously talented!! The girlies seem to love him!! and until last week he had NEVER been in the bottom 3!!! You can’t ignore THAT!!

after FINALLY getting to see him do an INXS song last week I thought he did a really GREAT job!! I really think he would be a great choice because he’s obviously already got a good amount of fans, and he’s obviously totally HOT! I do like those TALL skinny white boys with the DARK hair !! now if someone could just convince him to lose that crazy Sgt. Pepper jacket!!

the other two JD & Marty are both obviously talented as well… but they both irk me

first of all JD really needs to cool it with the eyebrow sculpting, he’s trying to become the next member of INXS NOT another queer eye guy!! plus he’s such a…. I don’t know what, he’s not exactly cocky even though he seems to be. I just think he’s a bit of a jerk! He’s really talented, I just think he would be better off doing his own thing!

Marty too, I think he needs to be off doing his own thing, he’s a little too… intense for me!! he always looks like he’s about to bust a vein in his head and what is with that arm band?!?!? Something about him just makes me think he’s an alien from another dimension, sent to burn out our brains with his insane stare!!

So that’s it, my fingers are crossed – I HOPE MiG wins it!!

ok NOW I’m done!! :)

Howdy Ho!!

So I spent most of yesterday with Natalie, Spaz (5) & Squirt (2). After what seemed like decades of shopping (have I mentioned how much I HATE shopping?!) we were treated to the creative genius of Spaz as he spent almost the entire 40 minute ride home LOUDLY composing Poopy - The Musical

poopy in the mailbox
poopy in the trees
poopy on the guardrail
poopy on your knees

did you know that all the roads are made of poopy?

There is poopy in the news
Sometimes even poopy in your shoes

Poopy lines the sidewalks
poopy in your socks
if you look up in the sky there are even poopy hawks….

poopy in your bed
poopy on your tooth
poopy on your forehead
poopy in the pool (phew it was just a baby ruth!!)

poopy on your front porch
poopy in your boat
poopy on the swing set
poopy on your coat….

and so on and so on and so on….

Of course I helped!! hehehe

boredom....

I was all gung ho to say all this stuff a couple days ago but have been too busy doing other stuff to sit down and do it and now I’ve lost all my oomph…. I don’t seem to have much to say now so I’m just gonna babble I guess hehehe

the leaves are starting to change and there are some already on the ground. I have a feeling it’s not gonna be a very colorful fall…. It’s been such a dry summer that the stream out back (in the picture at the top) is almost dry!! If I took that same picture right now you wouldn’t see any water at all :(

so you can get an idea of what it looks like after a normal summer, here’s another picture of it right about this time a few years ago:

Anyway just a couple months ago it looked like a river! I hope we get some serious rain before the ground freezes!!

Aside from the dead brown leaves prematurely falling all over the place I’m so happy to see fall coming. I love looking out my kitchen window and seeing all the little critters preparing for winter. We have this mutant woodchuck out back (I assume it’s not the one that got hit with the door, because the door wasn’t damaged) it’s like the size of a raccoon!! Well maybe not quite that big but it’s HUGE!!

He attacked my cat a couple months ago!! I looked out my kitchen window and there’s my shmoo looking all scared, staring down a giant woodchuck. The thing had it’s back all arched and it’s fangs bared – yikes!! Sam went out to rescue her and he actually had to chase the thing away (normally they bolt if you so much as touch the doorknob)

Probably some kind of government woodchuck sent to devour our gardens!! hehehe

We’re supposed to be having a barbecue on Sunday, most of Sam’s family is coming, some friends and some of my family. It looks like the weather might not hold out… seems it’s chosen to pick the one weekend we have outdoor plans to rain after it hasn’t done so in months!!

I kinda hope it does rain…. I’m not really looking forward to this thing. Probably because I’m not prepared, usually I’m making list after list and getting stuff ready days in advance. But I’m not a big barbecue kinda girl. I’m much more of an hors d'œuvre party person, I DON’T grill well!!

Oh well we’ll see what happens.

In addition to the meteorological dry spell, we’ve been having a bit of a sexual drought as well. so that kinda sucks but hopefully that will end soon!

I guess I don’t really have much more to say…. it was kind of a stretch coming up with this much... could I BE any more boring?! hehehe

200 MILLION DOLLARS!!

well since whacking a woodchuck with a door didn't work.... maybe tonight we'll try kicking a squirrel hehehe - wish us luck!!!

a reminder - stop and smell the flowers....

I was considering deleting that last post but what good would that do?

I was fishing through my purse for my hive pills when I came across my note pad and deck of cards. I brought them with me yesterday when we went to get our new tires because I knew we’d be there for a while (a trick I came up with a long time ago) I was thinking of not going at all because I felt really sick the night before, but when it came time to leave I was feeling quite a bit better so I asked Sam if he wanted me to come with him, and he said yes. He didn’t want to sit there for hours alone waiting to get back and hang out with me. He’s so sweet! And I’m so glad I went!

We got there before the place opened and sat on the curb eating donuts and talking. At 9am they opened the door and Sam went in to get everything squared away, they said we’d be done by 10:30. it was a Sunday morning and none of the stores within walking distance open until noon on Sundays (which was just as well because new tires were probably more than we could afford as it was!) so we sat on the lawn and played cards.

It was so nice to just be sitting outside getting fresh air and doing nothing but just hanging out, playing and talking. We played rummy 500 (also known as 500 rum) I kicked his ass in one game he kicked mine in the next. It was such a beautiful morning, so quiet and peaceful, we didn’t even notice how long we were sitting there. When all was said and done we didn’t leave until and hour and a half past their estimation.

It makes me wonder why more people don’t think to bring a deck of cards or something with them when they’re stuck someplace like that. Instead of checking your watch and pacing back and forth, loudly complaining to your friend of significant other on your cell phone, feeding the cycle of impatience you could just sit back, relax and enjoy that time you have where you have no choice but to do NOTHING.

One of the things that bothers me so much about being ‘out’ is the way everyone is in such a hurry. If you’re not speeding they pass you, if you aren’t moving through the intersection, AS the light turns green they honk at you. If you forgot to grab toilet paper and have to run back and get it while you’re in the middle of being rung out they sigh at you and shake their heads. All I can think is that if you’re in that much of a hurry maybe you need to rework your schedule or get your priorities in check!

I know it sounds crazy coming from someone so clearly wound up as me - but seriously, life is too short to be that frazzled!!

So when I saw that stuff in my purse it just reminded me of how silly I sound. I just wanted to pop back in and talk about my really nice morning and how much I enjoyed spending that time with Sam and doing nothing! And remind myself that moments like that don’t have to be reserved for times when we’re stranded!!

fear and loathing in kittyville....

This is gonna just be totally free flowing so it will be scattered and probably not make much sense after a while….

I was gonna write about our weekend but aside from our tire blowing out and getting that problem fixed costing $240 and the fact that I burned the hell out of the roof of my mouth on a piece of pizza, there’s really not much to say.

I have yet another ‘female problem’ keeping tab A from slot B and this makes me unhappy!! Another reason I hate taking antibiotics!!

Lets see…. Did ya ever just feel like tearing down everything you’ve done and starting over from scratch? I look around here and I don’t recognize myself…. my negativity is kinda scary to me.

I think I’m starting to realize why I’ve abandoned every ‘journal’ I’ve ever kept. I never paid attention to what a whining little ball of unpleasantness I am!! it occurs to me how true it is that the things you dislike in others are the same things you dislike about yourself.

My first instinct is to completely tear this place down – but that’s probably not a good idea. I need to just get off my ass and start doing things for me!

It seems to really not be my nature to do that sort of thing…. something else always comes up that distracts me or I seek out some distraction and I end up neglecting me. but it turns out to be true that you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t first take care of you!

I find it amusing that everyone always comes to me for advice….

I’m a fucking basket case!! Why on earth do you think I can help you???

They all know what a basket case I am, I’m not ashamed of it…. I don’t try to hide it. I have all kinds of mental problems – it’s not my fault so what do I have to be ashamed of? Other than the fact that I’m a big girl now…. when it comes down to it I’m the only one who controls how things go for me. if I continue to be a basket case from this point forward it IS my fault!!

One of the things that bothers me so much about my mother is that she does NOTHING to help herself. Instead of getting off her ass she drowns herself in vodka.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this, but they say (whoever THEY are) that you need to cut the toxic people out of your life. In other words if someone in your life does little else but make you grit your teeth or make you sad or unhappy or miserable and there’s nothing much you can do to change them you should eliminate them from your life. Just cut off contact!

How do you do that when the one who is the most toxic (aside from yourself) is your mother?

Anyway I had two hive free days – yesterday I felt a little hivey but that stopped quickly – today I’m feeling it again. If it gets bad enough I’ll take something but I’d rather avoid that, I have things to do and I’d rather not be a zombie…. unless I can sit back and enjoy it haaaa

I’ve rambled enough…. I think it’s time for me to start taking my own advice.

I’m gonna get some work done this morning – I’m determined to get this house in order before winter and that is gonna take some work!! But I think this afternoon I’ll let work go and concentrate of painting or something. I’m in the middle of a project I’d like to have finished yesterday hehehe

I better get to it so I’m shutting up now….

mystery solved....

whacking a woodchuck in the head with a door is NOT good luck

just out of curiosity....

Sam figures we could do A LOT of good for A LOT of people if we won 172 MILLION DOLLARS in tonight’s lottery…. and I agree!!!

So when he finished dinner he decided to run out and get a couple tickets…. I mean what the hell, other people win, why not us – right?

He swings open the front door and I hear a CLUNK… I looked at him funny thinking maybe someone dropped a suitcase full of winning tickets at our door, ya know to save him the trip (gas prices ARE pretty hideous these days)

“What the heck was that?!?!” I said – through a mouth full of spaghetti (HE was done eating, I didn’t say I was)

“a woodchuck!” he says…. “I hit him in the head with the door and then he waddled away toward the field!!”

so of course I had to get up from my mediocre meal and try to see the wounded rodent (probably the same one that keeps digging up the garden!!) but of course I missed him…. I hope he's ok - even if he does keep eating my carrots!!

anyway.... I’ve heard of a lucky rabbits foot, four leaf clovers, kissing a leprechaun, rubbing Buddha’s belly etc….

Does anyone know if whacking a woodchuck with a door is good luck?!?!?

a case of the blahs....

**WARNING** this post contains information (of a sexual nature) that may make certain people uncomfortable!!

I’m blindfolded and mostly naked except for a black fishnet top and a pair of black leather boots, which have been hooked to ropes. I’m on my back on the bed and the ropes attached to my boots are hooked to the wall behind me, pulling my feet up in the air and spreading my legs. My wrists are bound together and my arms pulled up over my head, also attached to the wall behind me.

A familiar scenario and something I happen to enjoy quite a bit. The inability to really move much and just be forced to kinda lie there are take it is something that really does something for me!! It’s probably best not to explore the possible reasons behind that.

Normally I would be dripping wet and shivering at every little touch or light breath of air against my skin within a VERY short time. And it’s been a really long time since he’s tied me up in any way so the anticipation should have been making me crazy.

As I lay there unable to see, not knowing quite where he was going to be coming from or what he had in mind. Feeling his fingers work their way into my pussy, pounding hard and deep inside me – my mind was racing….

But not with thoughts of how the rope felt around my wrists or wanting to feel his hand slapping at my tits…. or the agonizing wait to feel his cock inside me….

No my mind was racing with thoughts of some crafty thing I wanted to do and how I should make his lunch so I don’t have to get up and do it at 5:30 in the morning, this thing and that thing kept running through my mind. I couldn’t let go - I couldn’t focus….

It was obvious…. He leaned up and put his mouth to my ear and asked if he was boring me…. I said no! Of course he wasn’t boring me!! It was all me… but WHY? I mean I wasn’t particularly ‘in the mood’ to begin with but that wasn’t it was it?

I found myself starting to get irritated by the tension in the ropes pulling my legs apart and I started fidgeting – he asked if I was uncomfortable and I said no…. but that wasn’t entirely true. I mean of course I was somewhat uncomfortable that kinda comes with the territory… I was no more ‘uncomfortable’ than normal but for some reason it was all kinda getting on my nerves after a while.

Then time was up (we had something to do) and he let me down, untied my wrists and asked if I was ok…. I started getting a little snippy with him. He was asking me questions and I just lay there closely examining my left middle fingernail like a pouting child.

He pushed my hand out of my face and I said I was sorry…. I just couldn’t focus, my mind was milling over a hundred different things. We went about our business, half planning to go back to it later. That didn’t happen :(

Was it that we were pressed for time? or that it was kinda early? I think I’ve mentioned that I have a hard time letting go of the fact that I have things to do until I’m ready to put work down for the night. Was it just that I’ve been feeling so anxious lately?

That sort of thing (having control taken away) usually helps me snap out of that anxious feeling at least for a while

I know I need to take a more active interest in the outside of the bedroom control issues…. I’ve been feeling very out of control for a while now! so that might be part of it.

I don’t know what was going on with me…. but I’m still feeling kinda blah

I HOPE IT PASSES SOON!!!

a long and sad tale....

Grab a cup of coffee, this is gonna be a LONG one!!

I was thinking of being a witch for Halloween but I may want to rethink that…. I should consider being something lumpy like a bee sting victim or maybe a zombie :(

A few days ago I started breaking out in hives and if history is any indication, by the time Halloween rolls around I’ll be looking more like a platypus than a girl.

This is about the 4th time in my life that I’ve had a hivey episode and when I look back on them I realize that they were all extremely stressful periods in my life, I want to say that what’s going on in my life now is NOTHING in comparison but when I was asked at those times if anything stressful was going on in my life I thought ‘no I don’t feel stressed at all’

(turns out I didn’t ‘feel’ stressed because the stress was manifesting itself in the form of hives)

Granted the first time I had this happen I was about 13 and all I knew was stress, so EXTRA stress just didn’t seem very much like stress at all – I just didn’t realize it at the time. I thought my life was pretty much normal if not better than most. But the incident that seems to have brought on the first hive episode was when the shit hit the fan with the pedophile.

My sister told someone at school about him and well hopefully you’ve never been through anything like that and assuming you haven’t I’ll tell you it turns your world upside down!! Social services and police asking you question after embarrassing question, shock, dismay, fear etc. it’s A LOT to deal with.

My hair started falling out I was having all kinds of problems and then I started with the hives. For some reason nobody put it together that all this stress could have been the cause. I went to an allergist who determined that it most likely was not caused by allergies and they sent me back to my primary doctor who told me that it is most likely stress related and wrote me a prescription for medication that makes me VERY sleepy!!

What kind of 13 year old has such bad stress that it causes them to break out in HORRIBLE full body, itchy, swelling, disfiguring hives? Maybe it’s normal ‘round these parts where diddling children seems to be as common as milking cows, who knows?

Anyway I don’t recall how long this lasted but it was quite a while, then they started to go away just as mysteriously as they came.

The next time this happened was several years later, I was about 19 or so. I had just finished two years taking horticulture and getting my GED at some vocational school the previous fall, I had a crappy final summer vacation cleaning up stuff from my mother’s store that had burned down, so that she could reopen that fall.

I was planning on making one of the hugest (lesson learning moves of my life) yes we’ll call it that!! hehehe I was going to work in the newly rebuilt store for what turned out to be 70+ hours a week, just me and my mother.

A couple days before the store opened my grandmother died. I was very close with her even though we had a sort of fucked up relationship (I was clearly her favorite and it was well known. That didn’t work well with me because the slightest thing makes me feel guilty!!)

Anyway I didn’t deal well with her death and the opening of the store, being with my mother (who I have many ill feelings toward) pretty much 24/7. a complete change in the way I was used to living – I know I’ve mentioned how much I HATE change!! It hates me too!! and I know it sounds silly but even though I HATED school, it was all I knew… I had spent the last 14 years or what like ¾ (?) of my life going there every day, having the same routine, seeing the same people I’d been seeing since nursery school!

For someone like me that kind of change is pretty hard. So add to that the stress of being with dear old mom ALL the damn time and losing my grandma who I still miss terribly and BAM you have some serious hive inducing stress!!

Eventually they went away after quite a while (months and months) I’m not sure how long because I wasn’t smart enough to keep a journal. I know I talked about it somewhere in the archives (around the beginning of March) when I was discussing the ‘dry spell’

Anyway fast forward about 10 or 11 years, I was about 29 years old…. My grandfather had just gotten remarried (to his high school sweetheart) it’s all a very sweet story which I’ll save for another time. He sold his house (the place where pretty much ALL of my happy childhood memories took place, MY GRANDMA’S HOUSE!! she would surely roll over in her grave if she knew he was selling her house!!) and he was moving about 2 hours away from here!!!

The whole thing made me sick!! As much as I HATE change I HATE letting go of anything, particularly if it involves, is related to or so much as reminds me of my childhood!! That house stood for everything that was pleasant about being a kid. I don’t know what was worse, knowing my grandpa wasn’t gonna be just around the corner anymore or that I would most likely never set foot in that house again.

Anyway it was a huge house with A LOT of stuff, most of which belonged to my grandmother. There was some question as to how all this stuff would be divided up. He planned on selling some of it at auction because there were a lot of antiques, which were pretty valuable (that too is another story for another time) everybody wanted something, some wanted more than others and much drama ensued. I wanted a handful of things which nobody else gave a damn about so I got them (if he decided to sell every last scrap I would have been sad but I would have gotten over it, it was after all HIS stuff to do with as he wished!!) as for everything and everybody else though, the whole shit house went up in smoke!! it was like my poor grandfather got to witness what it would have been like if he had died instead. it was shameful how everyone behaved!! my mother actually STOLE furniture from his house and convinced herself that he said to take it!! ANYWAY....

of course who does everybody run to for advice or to vent… ME!

long story slightly shorter, I became a stressed out basket case – this time when I started getting hives I knew right away it had to be because of this family drama.

Six months later, just as the hives started going away, in fact they were almost gone, some shit head from the city came up and offered our landlord twice what we were paying for rent so we ended up having to move back in with my mother. Within a couple weeks of moving back in there my hives were back full force and stuck around for at least another 4 months!! :(

It’s been a couple of years now, we don’t live with her anymore – we’ve been living next door for about a year and a half, give or take a couple months. And aside from my usual anxiety problems that I’ve mentioned here and there recently I’ve been totally fine.

I have no idea what could be causing this most recent episode other than possibly being worried about things with Sam’s new job (the shoulder etc.) but I’m pretty upset about it (the hives)!! I just made an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow afternoon…. Yippie I HATE going to the doctor anymore!! I’ve never been to this guy but I hear he’s my kind of doctor, meaning he listens and is open to alternative ideas. I hope that’s true!!

I may be a bit of a zombie for a while, while my body gets used to the medication. But wish me luck…. I’m hoping to nip this in the bud this time and turn it around before it gets full blown!!

Now excuse me while I shuffle off to the living room to prepare for my pity party hehehe

:(

Well it’s Tuesday and Sam is off to work…. I miss him already!!!

brain drain....

I’m at a complete loss…. I feel like my head is full of oatmeal or something.
I keep wanting to jot down my thoughts but every time I sit and think it feels like someone is flipping through the channels in my mind.

I usually describe it as feeling like feedback but that's not entirely accurate. It's definitely more like channel flipping – rapid channel flipping!

I've had this feeling all my life, it’s probably why I did so badly in school. I was never able to concentrate or pay attention. That's why I'm able to watch the same movie a million times and not quite remember what's gonna happen next.

Sometimes it's worse than others and this happens to be one of those times I guess. It's probably partly because my routine is screwed up, I was just starting to try and get used to the new schedule with Sam’s new job and he got hurt and has been home since Tuesday afternoon. I seriously require a routine and when it changes I get thrown for a loop – so here I am…. loopy again!! hehehe

I tend to get nothing done when Sam is home, I usually take his days off as my days off. Aside from cooking I pretty much neglect the other housework because we're busy doing stuff together. THAT IS my routine, and it works fine when you’re talking about 2 days but he’s been home for like 5 days now.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE having him here with me and in a perfect world he would never have to work! But after a couple days things start to get a little messy. And he doesn’t seem to quite understand that I can’t make lunch and watch a movie at the same time.

We live a certain way… unlike how it seems most people live these days we have no pre-packaged foods here and we don’t live where there is a bunch of take-out (not that we could afford much in the way of take-out at the moment anyway) but so everything we eat requires preparation. And it’s interesting to see how he sometimes thinks these things are somehow done Jetson’s style around here hehehe

But alas we don’t own a foodarackacycle – we don’t take our meals in capsule form or have a robot to make them for us. Thank god, because I’d be out of a job! hehehe I choose to let things get a little messy here in exchange for time with Sam to just hang out and veg, watch movies and talk or whatever and it’s been nice!

Today is his last day off before he goes back to work on some kind of light duty, I guess they’ll just have him riding around doing whatever he can until he’s back in working condition.

His shoulder is feeling much better, he has a lot more movement in his arm, so that’s good! He hasn’t started physical therapy yet because as usual it’s all about making a buck, NOT about healing people!! He has to wait until all the paperwork is figured out before they can schedule something and because it’s a comp thing it may take a while. So we’ll see what happens with that.

I’ve been avoiding the news about the hurricane, mostly because Sam is home and he can’t stand watching that stuff. I would probably sit in front of the tv spellbound by the horror of it if I was here alone so I’m VERY glad I’m not hehehe it’s not healthy for me to do that, it makes me so sad.

The whole thing makes me sick and to tell ya the truth, even more ashamed to be a human being than I normally am! But this is only one horrific story in a million…. terrible, gut-wrenching tragedies happen every single day all over the world (sometimes right down the road) that we never even hear about.
I wonder what makes this one more newsworthy?

I gotta say it’s somewhat disturbing to me to flip through the tv and see such well coiffed, professionally made-up, neatly pressed and tucked little bobble heads standing in the middle of obvious devastation. Where did they get water to get clean? Where did they get electricity to primp and polish? Where did they get clean clothes??? When the people they are reporting about don’t even have water to DRINK or a place to wash off the toxic waste they’ve been wading through for days or something as small as a change of underwear for fuck sake!!

There is something seriously wrong with that picture!!

I have so much more to say about the way these things are handled in the news but I’m even boring myself here so I’ll shut up for now. Besides Sam is patiently waiting for me to get some shoes on so we can get out of here for a little while.

I just wanted to sit and let some words flow out of me, however jumbled and incoherent they are. You’ll just have to forgive me for not being clear or making much sense…. my brain is on the fritz hehehe but if I didn’t say SOMETHING about something…. ANYTHING I was afraid I never would again.

So there ya have it…. enjoy your nap!! hehehe

maybe if you happen to live next to a mental institution....

I was gonna bore you with a long bitch fest full of self pity and junk but I’m not feeling very well so you’ve been spared!! Instead I’ll post another silly quiz….

I found this somewhere this morning…. ummm over at danae’s blog I think….

What is your sexual appeal?
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whaddaya think.... is it me?