WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!

Well it was nice while it lasted…. We seem to go through these spurts where we go to the movies every week for a while and then something happens to make Sam never want to leave the house again for all eternity hehehe – yesterday was one of these days…. In the last 3 weeks we’ve been to the movies 3 times - We saw Boogeyman which was actually half way decent for a modern thriller type movie – I’m funny when it comes to thriller/horror movies – it’s not too often I see one that was made after like 1985 that I think is acceptable – I’m pretty picky and critical of anything that was made in the last 15 years or so – boogeyman was entertaining enough but certainly not something I’m going to add to my collection any time soon – examples of this type of movie that were done ‘recently’ that I would add to my collection are The Ring and House of 1000 Corpses and when I have extra money to spend on things like movies they will be on the shelves along with the other 200+ movies I have – living where I live I don’t have much access to movies that are less mainstream unfortunately – especially since I don’t have a lot of money to spend so I’m stuck with what I can get at the theater or ‘Blockbuster’ type video stores – anyway can I ever finish a thought without forking off in some other direction? NO! I’m like Stephen King or J.D. Salinger for fuck sake! Just shut up and get to the point!!! – so the following week we saw Meet The Fockers and I laughed my ass off from beginning to end!! – this week Sam was supposed to fix the chicken coop BUT as has been the case for the last 2½ years it rained… and it rained and rained and rained some more!! there was no way he could be out there working on anything in that weather so I stupidly suggested we go to the movies… at first I wasn’t thinking about how all the kids are off school this week for whatever ridiculous recess they have this month – pre-summer vacation break or something
Bt I quickly realized it and said hmm maybe this isn’t a great idea

*BREAK* speaking of rain…. This is the second day in a row a big yellow truck with flashing lights has pulled into my driveway – this is because the drain across the way that is supposed to drain off excess water and keep a lake from forming in the road doesn’t do it’s job – which is kind of sad since about 7 years ago they spent an entire summer in front of this place working on the road – they actually built it up so much that it damaged the cars of anyone who pulled in here – which kinda sucked since it was a deli at the time! But also at the same time it did something that caused water to come through the front door every time it rained – which then took another 2 weeks to correct…. Any which way whatever they did seems to have screwed up the drainage on the other side of the road and long story much to long already – WHY does it take TWO men to shovel the debris away from the drain whenever we get heavy rain???? I wantto go out there and scream… does this REALLY require two people???? One to shovel and one to cheer him on?? I just don’t get it!!

anyway I said to Sam… are you sure you want to go to the movies, there will surely be kids there and well anyone who’s ever gone to the movies knows how much it sucks when there are kids there hehehe

he must not have heard me and so we went…. We stopped off at the Indian buffet and had lunch first and it’s a good thing we did cause if I had to stand on that popcorn line I would not have been happy – as it was the line to get into the movies was very, very long and full of screaming kids - already this was not looking good!! there was this man behind us that kept asking if everyone was there to see the same movie (we were NOT) the kids he was with were jumping all around and yelling and climbing on things, clearly already hopped up on sugar – let me just say if I had kids and they were behaving that way we would have been off that line and in the car headed home within minutes!! Granted it’s not their fault that they were fed junk food and soda but still… OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! I’m thinking (the parents not the kids) THANK GOD I’m NOT GOING TO THAT MOVIE!! – we were going to see Hide and Seek which is rated R so it should have been pretty well free of the really little kids – at first it looked promising… we were the first ones in there which is always nice but we were 20 minutes early – on a normal day we would still be two of very few people in the place but not THIS week…. The place started to fill up – and by fill up I mean the theater ended up being about half full… but since nobody ever wants to be sitting next to another person the whole place was filled pretty much… first this nice quiet older man sat down all alone and then this other man came and sat down directly behind him – man number two who we’ll call Ned liked to talk! And for medical reasons when he breathed he pretty much sounded like Darth Vader and he was basically physically incapable of whispering (this didn't bother me as long as he and everyone else keeps their damn mouths shut during the movie) – however when man number on heard this he moved across the room…. A short time later a few people walked in they said there were 7 of them altogether and started counting out seats – they would up taking up the whole row behind man number one and most of the row he was in – they left a couple seats between him and them…. These 7 people were about the jumpiest, screaminest people you’ve ever seen… this movie had about 4 scenes in it that I guess if you scare easily would make you gasp or something – I realize I’m kind of desensitized to this sort of thing and I almost never get a shock at these types of movies but still these people were just nuts – a good example of this: a woman sitting in the row separating me and sam from these people SNEEZED… and they all screamed and jumped – GIVE ME A BREAK!!! If you’re THAT jumpy maybe you shouldn’t see anything darker than Winnie the Pooh movies!! I would imagine man number one was very sorry he left the comfort of his nice quiet seat in front of Ned because in the seat right behind him sat a boy I’d say was about 14 and he actually heckled the movie! He had stupid comments for everything, at one point he yells out ‘I think Charlie’s a gangsta!’ I have no idea what that even means – Charlie is the ‘bad guy’ in the movie but that was the whole point so I’m not sure what his comment was about…. He had things like this to say throughout the whole movie despite several people shhhing him repeatedly - his seat happened to be a few rows ahead of us so he was in clear view of us – about 10 minutes before the movie ended he took out his cell phone and started playing with it – I think he was fascinated by the bright blue light glowing from it’s screen – which of course was very distracting – there were at least 2 or 3 adults in this group but did any of them say or do anything about this? of course not – again if I had kids this would not be acceptable behavior – we would have been out of there!! When the movie was over I pretty much gave the adults the hairy scary eyeball as they were leaving – not as though that does any good
but it made me feel better hehehe – Sam declared ‘I doubt I’ll ever go to the movies again… I just want to go home now and never go out again’ – exaggerations of course…. But I totally agree… WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE – I swear I say those 7 words more than anything else anymore!! – it seems that just about every time I leave my house I find myself wishing I hadn’t! I see things I wish I’d never seen… or hear things I wish I’d never heard…. I could go on all day about this but I have things to do so I’ll shut up now and get to the song I woke up with this morning – maybe I’ll go on about this some other time

this morning I woke up a few times – my back was KILLING me from my devil bed!! My kingdom for some space foam – I swear the inner spring mattress was surely designed by wheel chair and cane manufacturers!! – I’m 32 years old it should not take me 10 minutes to be able to get out of bed and stand up straight – I swear I got up to pee and had a hard time pulling my pants back up!!! I kept falling back to sleep until that last time when I just said fuck it…. I forget the other songs I woke up with but the last one stuck with me… I used to love this song… when I was 10 hehehe – I think was in my head because someone sang it on American Idol last week

Total Eclipse of the Heart ~ Bonnie Tyler

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you'll only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

Cause we'll never be wrong

together We can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart
Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes

Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be

Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am

Turnaround, every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you

Turnaround, every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you'll only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

Cause we'll never be wrong together

We can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart

this one's for the girls

Well it doesn’t happen too often lately but Sam had the whole day off yesterday!! The ground was still too snowy for him to move the chicken coop, which meant we had nothing major we needed to get done – I had wanted to go to linens ‘n things and get his opinion on the direction (color wise) that our bathroom should go in - exactly which shade of green our new towels should be (I know he loves that stuff) hehehe but damn it’s hard to decide between fennel, aloe and sage!! We pretty quickly decided on fennel – for someone who doesn’t care and has no opinion he sure had one!

The thing is I didn’t so much want his opinion on the actual towels as I wanted his approval to make the purchase – so here is what happened – right off the bat we found an acceptable color on a sale pile… so we went on looking for hand towels to match it – along the way we discovered two more colors that might work – so I took the sample of my bathroom curtain out of the bag to compare shades against…. We both agreed fennel was right even though it wasn’t my original vision (I was thinking more sage) fennel is paler and less mossy – anyway it turned out that only the bath towels in this color were on sale - What I wanted was gonna end up costing about $50 so when I heard that number I started getting the guilts THIS is what I needed Him for…. To say it’s ok (cause I don’t ask for much) He hates this about me BUT I’d bet money that he’d be upset if I just bought them without involving him!! I know he would!!! – He could have saved himself a lot of time by simply saying ‘I’d really rather wait till we have the tax money back’ but no he let me go back and forth over the decision until he was ready to walk out…. MY only point against waiting was that those bath towels wouldn’t be on sale anymore and would cost about twice as much later on (getting them now would save about $15) long story much too long already… we didn’t end up getting anything – he claims that one day he’ll come home and surprise me with all new bathroom stuff…. I see that happening about as soon as I see flowers growing on the moon…. But I don’t want to be negative… I just hate it when he gets pissy with me for having a hard time making a decision when all along the only right answer is NO…. apparently it’s ok with him if we go on forever using 20 year old towels that you can see through and which rip if you apply the least amount of pressure to them - They look AWESOME in our bathroom… I swear it doesn’t bother me at all that our bathroom looks like it belongs in a frat house – next up – new bathroom floor…. Another area he claims to have no opinion on…. I kinda want white…. I’d be willing to bet my new towels (if I ever get them) that even though he has no opinion he’ll suggest at least one alternative to white and then get pissed when I can’t decide

The problem here is not so much that I can’t choose between his choice and mine – of course I would prefer mine… the problem is wanting to please HIM – it’s his bathroom too he has to pay for it and install it – I want it to be something he likes…. Even though he claims he doesn’t care he obviously does because even though we’re not even in new floor mode just yet he’s already had a couple of alternative suggestions – one of which would mean changing the only thing we do have in there, the matching curtains and shower curtain that I’ve been trying to work around to get towels that will work with

It upsets me that he acts like this is all me – I know this is ridiculous and if THIS is our biggest problem then I should shut up and count my blessings – but it just gets on my nerves and I didn’t even know how much till I started writing this haaaa – here I thought I’d write a goofy little recap of our day and instead I’m going off like a crazy person hehehe – I DO think I’m PMS’ing though so that doesn’t help – anyway when we left I felt better for not spending the money – maybe that was his game plan all along? haaaa a girl can pretend right? I do wish my bathroom didn’t look so crappy but I have no problem waiting – I just wish we didn’t waste a whole hour of our lives in that store to come to that conclusion – I know I didn’t want that and I sure as hell know HE didn’t want that. Part of the problem is we both want to do about a dozen different things around the house and can really only afford a couple AND he’s working on building a guitar – which I guess was his way of getting yet another guitar without me really rolling my eyes at him – I can’t deny him creativity…. But I think I may suggest today that he sell one of the others to make up some of the money…. When it comes down to it at this point in time I’m REALLY focused on the back yard – but since it’s still too snowy and muddy to work on it I just wanted SOMETHING new and nice and soft and relatively inexpensive to smile about to tide me over till we can work on that. Guess I’ll hafta concentrate on Easter dinner instead – sigh…. It’s been a loooooooooooooooooong winter!!

Later on we went to the movies – before we got there though he asked me if we needed anything from the health food store ‘yeah candy for the movies’ like I say every time we’re going to the movies… only this time he actually pulled in…. he asked what I wanted and I pointed to the sunspire candy coated chocolates and said ‘I was thinking these because they’re the cheapest’ he said ‘what would you want if money was no object’ and I said ‘probably the chocolate covered almonds’ so he put a scoop full of chocolate covered almonds in a bag for me and got himself some peanut clusters and we left – no discussions no arguments – no ‘is that all I get?’ no ‘oh lets get this too!’ just a nice smooth transaction - why can’t it ALWAYS be that way? – when we got out to the car I just wanted to tell him that THAT is all I need from him…. exactly what took place in there…. It has nothing to do with the fact that I got the candy I like best… I would have been just as happy with the candy I pointed to in the first place…. but the way he walked in, stood in front of the bulk bins and asked me what I wanted etc. scooped out the amount he thought was best – tied off the bags, turned and walked to the checkout, paid and was done! – THIS is what I’m talking about!!

I was out with mom the other day and that goofy song by john ford coley and england dan came on in the car and I was like haaaa this IS where it came from!! And I told her how I’ve been writing these things down trying to figure out where they come from… she said that she doesn’t wake up with songs in her head either – so I guess I truly am the only one hehehe – that was pretty much the end of the conversation… then yesterday I went over there to ask her something and she said ‘by the way thanks a lot!! – I woke up with a song in my head this morning!’ – I asked her what song and she said ‘this one’s for the girls by martina mcbride’ – I said ‘that song was on in the car yesterday’ as if there was any doubt – that song must be one of the most played out sings on those easy listening stations!!
So anyway…. What happened? Today I woke up with it in MY head!!! So here it is:

This One’s For The Girls ~ Martina McBride

this is for all you girls about 13

high school can be so rough can be so mean

hold onto, onto your innocencest

and your ground when everybody's givin’ in

this one's for the girls!

this is for all you girls about 25

in little apartments just tryin’ to get by

livin’ on, on dreams and spaghetti-o’s

wondering where your life is gonna go

this one's for the girls

who've ever had a broken heart

who've wished upon a shooting star

you're beautiful the way you are

this one's for the girls

who love without holding back

who dream with everything they have

all around the world

this one's for the girls

this is for all you girls about 42

tossin’ pennies into the fountain of youth

every laugh, laugh line on your face

made you who you are today.

this one's for the girls

who've ever had a broken heart

who've wished upon a shooting star

you're beautiful the way you are

this one's for the girls

who love without holding back

who dream with everything they have

all around the world

this one's for the girls

yeah we're all the same inside

from 1 to 99

this one's for the girls

who've ever had a broken heart

who've wished upon a shooting star

you're beautiful the way you are

this one's for the girls

who love without holding back

who dream with everything they have

all around the world, yeah

this one's for the girls

yeah, this one's for the girls

Girl Scouts & Heavy Metal

Well it’s Saturday…. I was laying in bed with Sam this morning talking about how cool it would be to just go out in the living room and watch things like bugs bunny and land of the lost and all that goofy shit from when we were kids…. I miss those days!! – just lounging out eating the worlds biggest bowl of cocoa pebbles or count chocula and watching cartoons all morning sounds really nice right about now!! And for the most part today I had a nice quiet day planned and then my mother said she wanted to go to linens n’ things – I really wanted to go to Joanne’s for some fleece to make E a bunny for easter so I went – and as luck would have it they had a piece of pink fleece in the scrap bin for $3.75!! woo hoo – so I managed to get out of there for just about $6 – my mother got her this awesome stuffed chick that sings and dances and is super loud and irritating!!! I can’t wait till easter now cause I think E will get a huge kick out of it – if it doesn’t scare her – it scared Willow pretty bad!! – while we were out we found GIRL SCOUTS!!! I’ve been looking for them for like 3 weeks now – I heard it was time for them to be out hehehe I was so jazzed I could hardly wait for the worlds slowest ATM to spit out my $20 – I got two super yummy delicious boxes of thin mints…. I guess I’ll hafta share them with Sam huh? Hehehe – but ya know what? There were two teenagers one wearing a girls scout sash the other not… standing there each holding a sign saying “GIRLS SCOUT COOKIE ZONE” and two middle aged women like 20 feet away selling the cookies…. What happened to the time when 8 year olds came up to you asking if you wanted to buy a box of a cookies? I mean there wear always adults present but this was just odd – anyway it didn’t keep me from my COOKIES!!! Hehehe

I don’t really have a lot of time to write right now but I wanted to get this weird dream out: just before I woke up this morning I was dreaming that I was in this cafeteria-like place (which generally fits into my school related dream thing) there were a lot of people in there mostly it looked like people I went to school with but I was my age now – I think they were too but they probably looked the same cause I haven’t seen them since school… otherwise the place was half full of teenagers – there was some kind of metal concert kinda thing playing on a big screen – it looked like marilyn manson or nine inch nails or something – there was sound but nothing distinguishable…. And on a screen next to that screen was a very VERY close up image of a girl getting her labia pierced – I remember looking around and feeling a bit out of place – like I was too old to be there – but I really enjoyed the music anyway – which of course I would!! – the image of the labia piercing is still pretty vivid in my mind even though it was almost 12 hours ago – I remember at some point whoever did the piercing kinda spread her open a little so you could see the stud better – why she would get a gold stud through her labia is beyond me!! then I was turning to leave and there was a band on the stage under the screens setting up – didn’t look like anyone I knew but they started playing Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar
I doubt I would have known the name of that song if I hadn’t looked it up this morning although I have heard the song many times…. I don’t think I’ve heard it recently – it’s very rare that I can pin point a place in a dream where I heard the song I ended up waking up with but I woke up seconds after I started hearing the song…. As I was walking toward the door Rachel was walking toward me – now I haven’t seen her in 14 years? That sounds about right…. She put her arm around my waist and proceeded to walk out with me into the parking lot telling me that she had been trying to call me but kept hanging up – I think I was wondering if she had gotten married or something because I didn’t remember seeing anything that would make me think RACHEL on my caller id… she seemed kind of upset about something – it was obvious that we hadn’t seen each other in 14 years still but we were kinda talking like it had only been a week – now I hafta say I would be pretty uncomfortable running into her at this point – especially since I have a pretty good idea of why we lost touch so swiftly – it occurs to me that if anyone ever came across this babbling insanity they would have no idea who Rachel is… so I’ll explain – from like 6th grade through 8th grade she was my best friend until she moved up north…. We stayed in touch for a few years but something happened that I think made her uncomfortable involving me and her and Sam which when she agreed to it just about fucking blew my mind – but anyway I won’t get into the details but I think it made her uncomfortable afterward because we’ve hardly spoken at all since then…. But when I used to hang out with her she had a thing for this guy who was a HUGE Van Halen fan… and me and him used to discuss the fact that I actually liked the Sammy Hagar version of Van Halen at least as much as when David Lee Roth was with them… probably more - I remember Van Halen being about all I had to talk to this guy about – so often when I hear Van Halen I think of her because we listened to a lot of them toward the end…. So maybe there is some connection to why I heard a Sammy Hagar song in my dream and then saw her - I really can’t remember the last time I heard that song until today – I downloaded it and have listened to it like 10 times today – I’m glad I dreamed it ‘cause I’m really getting into it hehehe so anyway Here it is:

Heavy Metal ~ Sammy Hagar

head bangers in leather

sparks fly in the dead of the night

it all comes together

when they shoot out the lights

50,000 watts of power

and it's pushin' overload

the beast is ready to devour

all the metal they can hold

reachin' overload

start to explode

it's your one way ticket to midnight

call it heavy metal

higher than high, feelin' just right

call it heavy metal

desperation on a red line

call it heavy metal noise

tight pants and lipstick

she's riding on razor's edge

she holds her own against the boys

yea, cuts through the crowd just like a wedge

ohh, can you feel the static

so many contacts being made

we've got up front fanatics

tearing down the barricade

to reach the stage

can you feel the rage

it's your one way ticket to midnight

call it heavy metal

higher than high, feelin' just right

call it heavy metal

desperation on a red line

call it heavy metal noise

it's your one way ticket to midnight

call it heavy metal

higher than high, feelin' just right

call it heavy metal

desperation on a red line

call it heavy metal noise
higher than high, feelin' - just right

call it heavy metal noise
heavy metal noise
heavy metal noise
heavy metal noise
call it heavy metal

I don't wanna miss a thing

Well I didn’t think it was possible… but yesterday… I fell in love with a woman!!!

I had to go grocery shopping with my mother and when we were done she said she needed to go to the liquor store (BIG SURPRISE!!) so I thought I might as well get a lottery ticket so I went in with her…. I waited my turn and when it came up I stepped up to the counter and asked for my tickets – the nice looking lady behind the counter said to me: “do you have some ID?” I said: ‘huh?’ and she said ‘ID’ and I said: ‘you’re kidding right?’ she said ‘no’ I said ‘well I don't have ID - so I guess you don't get your share of my winnings!! Haaaa’
That showed her, right? hehehe
then I was like c'mon you're kidding right?’ and she said no! I said ‘how old do you have to be to buy lottery tickets?’ and she said ‘18’ - I said ‘I don't look EIGHTEEN to you???!!’ she said ‘I'm figuring about 20’ ‘well’ I said… practically leaning over the counter to kiss her ‘thank you very much!!’ and told her she needs new glasses - then she found out I was my mother's daughter and she let me buy them - soooooo now she's my new favorite person because she thinks I look like I'm 20 – crazy, crazy women!!

In other news: SPRING is so close I can smell it!! a few weeks ago when we went to get our baby chicks I swore I saw a robin – this was after seeing some geese doing some non-winter geese activity and I had smelled a skunk!
Last week when Sam went to the chiropractor I saw like 3 or 4 robins in her yard!! And when we were leaving I almost put my hand down on a wasp on her porch – earlier that day I had seen a honey bee
It was such a beautiful day!! But the next day we got like 8 inches of snow and a few days later we got another 6 inches or so… but it’s almost all gone now – well in the driveway anyway and we weren’t plowed either time so that is a GOOD sign!! – normally I do love winter but I’m eager to get some stuff done outside – I’m tired of this place looking like crap – I want to get the fence up that we decided on so we can have our little fortress out back – even if it will be full of chickens – I can deal with that hehehe – I’m really looking forward to summer this year!!

Ok on with the song – wouldn’t want to upset poor Brian hehehe
Let me just say I ABSOLUTELY HATE this song!!!!!!!!!!!! And every time I hear it I end up waking up with it in my head the next day – there must be something to that – like my brain hates me or something hehehe so anyway I heard this song last night and sure enough there it was this morning – poking at me!! grrrrrr
I’m one of those early aerosmith people – seasons of wither, mama kin, kings and queens etc. – much of the stuff that aerosmith has done since like the late 80’s has done nothing for me and this song just makes me want to puke haaaa ~sorry – just how I feel - it does however very much make me think of Sam and how much I love him - so for that reason it makes me smile

I don’t want to miss a thing ~ Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

watch you smile while you are sleeping

while far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

I could stay lost in this moment forever

every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure

don't want to close my eyes

don't want to fall asleep

'cause I'd miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

'cause even when I dream of you

the sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

laying close to you

feeling your heart beating

and I'm wondering what you're dreaming

wondering if it's me you're seeing

then I kiss your eyes

and thank God we're together

I just want to stay with you in this moment forever

forever and ever don't want to close my eyes

don't want to fall asleep

'cause I'd miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

'cause even when I dream of you

the sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile

I don't want to miss one kiss

I just want to be with you

right here with you just like this

I just wanna hold you close

feel your heart so close to mine

and stay here in this moment

for all the rest of time

baby, baby don't want to close my eyes

don't want to fall asleep

'cause I'd miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

'cause even when I dream of you

the sweetest dream would never do

I'd still miss you baby

and I don't wanna miss a thing

sigh

**WARNING** this post contains information (of a sexual nature) that may make certain people uncomfortable!!

He came home from work tired and hungry, just like he does every day. She stood up from her chair and kissed him quickly before asking how his day was. His response is typical ‘it was ok’ it’s obvious he’s not in love with his job, he’s tired more from boredom than hard work and if she knows him he’s hungry for more than just dinner!

She’s really been making an effort to have his dinner ready when he gets home as well as her other chores. Which he noticed today and acknowledged with a kiss on the forehead as he said ‘good girl’ and swatted at her butt as she scurried off to make sure dinner was done. A smile beamed across her face…. god how she loves those two little words. Just hearing them said to her somehow melts her heart and dampens her panties at the same time.

He went and did whatever it is he does with the computer while he waited for dinner. It was only a few minutes before she called to him, and he dragged himself away from whatever he was doing, grabbed two plates and filled them up. Something he took up when he realized her eyes always seemed bigger than her stomach, and she was grateful for this because without it she would almost certainly over eat. Surely to others it would seem odd but to her it was just confirmation that he was taking care of her and looking out for her best interest. She tends to be a little self-destructive and he tries to keep that in check. She sighed through a sweet little smile as she sifted through the drawer in search of two forks. Feeling more loved and cared for then she even knew possible.

They sat and relaxed as they ate their spaghetti & meatballs. He commented on how good it was. It was obvious she had spent all day making sure the sauce was just right. She’s no chef but she’s not a bad little cook. He says that is because she cooks with love, and he’s right. As they ate they laughed and joked around watching TV and chatting back and forth about nothing in particular.

After a while he looked at her and said c’mere, pointing to the floor, and she wasted no time doing as she was told. She got up took the few steps over to him and dropped to her knees at his feet. She bowed her head and smiled, she knew what he wanted and she was not about to make him wait. By this time he was pretty well undressed, nothing but a pair of light blue boxer briefs and a t-shirt. She nestled in between his legs and he could feel her tits press against his thighs as she leaned in, and her hot breath through the thinning cotton. She makes a mental note ‘this guy needs new underwear’ and giggles a little, shaking her head. He puts his fingers under her chin and tilts her head up to look at him and he half smiles, shaking his head too, as if to say ‘what am I gonna do with you?’. She licked her lips and he leaned back into the couch, closing his eyes and she wasted no more time. She couldn’t wait to feel his cock in her mouth and taste him as he got harder and harder, eventually filling her throat. She lightly scratched her fingernails in circles over his balls through his boxers as she pulled the top down exposing him in his semi hard state and quickly flicked at him with the tip of her tongue. Which made his cock twitch, something she always gets a kick out of. Then she quickly sucked it into her mouth taking in every last bit, rolling her tongue all over it getting him totally soaked and feeling him harden between her lips… opening her jaw wider. She loves knowing that it takes so little for her to get him so hard.

She slid her hands back around under his ass to pull his boxers completely off and make him more comfortable, and so that she could have better access. She leaned down and took his balls in her mouth sucking and licking them. Rolling her tongue back and forth and her mouth was watering so much they were practically dripping onto the couch. He put his hand on the back of her head, holding her there for a minute. She only stopped for a moment to lick the palm of her hand before she wrapped it around his cock.
She put a little twist on it as she slid it up and down… still sucking on his balls and flicking her tongue just under them. God she loves the way he tastes and hearing him practically growling, all she can think about is making him cum…. hard!

She moved her way back up, rolling her tongue along his cock as she went and stopped again for a second to look up at him looking down at her…. and he groaned, closing his eyes and shaking his head and she got back to it. She needed to feel him deep in her throat – and then he was. And he bucked his hips up making her take just a little bit more and he reached out, stroking her hair and said ‘good girl’ and she almost lost it. She could feel her own wetness soaking her panties and practically dripping down her leg, but this was not about her own physical pleasure. She closed her eyes and concentrated on him, the way he tastes and smells, the way his breathing isn’t quite right, the sound of his voice caught in his throat as he tries to moan.

She just kept sucking him, trying to hold him as deep in her throat as she could. God she wanted to feel his hot cum as it sprayed against the roof of her mouth and her throat… trickling down the back of her tongue. His hand went from gently stroking her hair to wadding it up and pulling it, snapping her head back so he could see her face. How her lips were red and her cheeks and chin were glistening with saliva and he leaned down and kissed her before he pushed her mouth back down on his cock. She could almost cum herself when he pulls her hair like that, but she doesn’t. She just takes his cock back in…. bobbing up and down on it, and she can hear him telling her not to stop. She took him in deeper sucking him kinda hard as he grunted and filled her throat with cum.

His legs stiffened as his cock throbbed, draining every last drop into her mouth. And she quickly swallowed as much as she could, letting the rest drip from her lips. When she was sure he was done and he slumped back against the couch completely drained and content she licked her lips and rested her head on his thigh. He brushed his fingers against her cheek, stroking her hair again and told her that he loved her and she smiled, because for that moment… all was right with the world.

control

**WARNING** this post contains 'lifestyle' information that may make certain people uncomfortable!!

We talked some more a couple days ago – I tried to be pretty clear but as usual I found myself struggling to find the right words…. I had actually been watching Dr. Phil and he had this couple on where the husband was a total control freak – like to the point of teaching his wife how to shower and brush her teeth properly because he said she wasn’t doing it right!! hey if you feel like you need THAT much guidance and control well then have at it I guess – to each their own but I don’t think that was the case with her – she seemed pretty unhappy!! So I started talking about how I wasn’t sure I wanted Sam to hear this because I was afraid that Dr. Phil would put a very negative foot down on the idea that one person should ‘wear the pants’ so to speak and I just didn’t want him hearing that at that moment – even though our situation is NOTHING like theirs – I just didn’t want a negative seed to be planted in his head about the fact that I need him to take a more active role - so I turned it down and I was telling him how I believe that there is nothing wrong with a man being the head of his house or the king of his castle or whatever you want to say… and making the decisions etc. and his response was ‘as long as she has some input’ – very good response I thought! and I smiled out of the corner of my mouth that he couldn’t see…. we discussed it a little further and it sounded as if he understood exactly – and I had never heard him say these things before or even really talk about it…. but I know him and I know he’s a very fair, understanding and patient person – he would have to be to put up with me!! – so it doesn’t surprise me that he would just naturally understand how this idea works – it probably comes from the same side of him that has reservations about tying me up and calling me names and that sort of thing – anyway what it comes down to is that we – mainly I just need to communicate more – and better about what’s on my mind
We got to talking about rules and how I tend to break them – partly because I know there are no set punishments and I said to him how, what I would like – what I REALLY want is for him to come home from work to a clean house and a hot meal and a happy smiling girl (me) – he asked why this doesn’t happen more often – what is keeping me from it and he asked if I’m spending too much time sitting here (at the computer) or spending the wrong time here… I said yes that is probably the problem
I suggested that perhaps if he comes home and things are not how they should be that unless it was because I had to be out of the house all afternoon that he take the keyboard to work with him the next day – he agreed that, that seemed suitable and told me part of his problem is coming up with fitting punishments
I told him we can work on it together – he also told me he’d like me to watch less tv – and I immediately started thinking whoa lets not get carried away here hehehe – because as much as I spend too much time here it would actually hurt less to have my keyboard gone for the day than my remote!! haaaa - but he’d actually hafta go to some lengths to make the tv unwatchable – it would take much more than just bringing the remotes to work – anyway I think we’re on the right track – now it’s really up to me to keep us there for now

I didn’t have time for any of this yesterday and since today’s song is actually a repeat of one a while back ‘scenes from an italian restaurant’ I’ll just post yesterdays song today instead:

Control ~ Puddle Of Mudd

I love the way you look at me

I feel the pain you place inside

you lock me up inside your dirty cage

well I'm alone inside my mind

I like to teach you all the rules

I get to see them set in stone

I like it when you chain me to the bed

but then your secrets never show

I need to feel you

you need to feel me

I can't control you

you're not the one for me

I can't control you

you can't control me

I need to feel you

so why's there even you and me?

I like the way you rake my skin

I feel the hate you place inside

I need to get your voice out of my head

cause I'm that guy you'll never find

I think you know all of the rules

there's no expressions on your face

I hope that some day you’ll let me go

release me from my dirty cage

I need to feel you

you need to feel me

I can't control you

you're not the one for me

I can't control you

you can't control me

I need to feel you

so why's there even you and me?

I love the way you look at me

I love the way you smack my ass

I love the dirty things you do

when I have control of you

I need to feel you

you need to feel me

I can't control you

you're not the one for me

I can't control you

you can't control me

I need to feel you

so why's there even you and me.....

you're not the one for me

questioning your self

**WARNING** this post contains information (of a sexual nature) that may make certain people uncomfortable!!

We had a kind of interesting conversation yesterday – not unlike many we’ve had before – I just don’t know how I felt about it – we never do seem to complete a conversation…. anything I have to say about it will be scattered but I’m going to try – so that maybe some day I can come back and try to make sense of things I guess we started talking about how the father in law is going to take some getting used to due to his recently being ‘saved’ – personally I can’t imagine him the way Sam describes and unfortunately I’d hafta say it will probably make me uncomfortable and I will probably end up not spending much time around him for a while…. not that I spend much time with him anyway these days but in the past he is who I would have chosen to hang out with over at their house… because he’s funny and dirty and raunchy and fun…. my kinda people – but apparently he’s not so much that way anymore – see his mother being ‘saved’ is no big thing I don’t imagine it changes her personality much – she’s always been kinda demure… most of the time anyway but him? his favorite word is cocksucker and he would take great delight in showing us his most recent favorite internet porn pictures… was very into vampires and would think nothing of getting you in a headlock and burping in your ear while trying to remove your earlobe with his teeth…. I have a very hard time picturing him quietly sitting there reading his bible and then beaming to you all the joy he finds in it… not that I have a problem with the bible… I don’t really have much to ay about it at all since I’ve never been able to read it – I was lost by the 8th ‘begat’ and never looked back – and hey if this helps him keep on the straight and narrow then more power to him… I didn’t really like thinking of him killing himself and destroying his family under a mountain of cocaine and debt either – but enough about that I guess it’s just something else for me to learn to adjust to….

While we were talking about this the subject of sex came up and I was saying I think I would feel like I would have to somewhat deny who I am if this ‘saving’ thing happened to me… because I’m not sure but I would imagine somehow somewhere it would not be an ok thing by the new rules you seem to have to live by for me to enjoy feeling His hand on my throat or over my mouth telling me I’m a dirty little slut… or something – to get a chill when he slaps at my tits or pinches my nipples just a little too hard… or when he pulls my hair – gawd it drives me crazy when he pulls my hair… or pushes my face into the bed – I love the way it feels when I have his cock in my mouth and he has his hand on my head forcing it deeper and he tells me I’m a good girl…. the two words that make me melt quicker than anything else in the world – I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about any of that I don’t want to have bed feelings about my desire to be tied up - spread out and basically used for his enjoyment…. when it comes down to it I don’t know which one of us actually enjoys it more

I said this to Sam in not so many words – but basically just how I wouldn’t want to be without that aspect of our relationship…. and he said: ‘what if I didn’t want to do it anymore’ to which I immediately awkwardly replied… ‘well then I’d deal with it… but it would be hard…. I don’t know how it would work but we would work it out’ – we always do…. no matter what way things turn for us we always seem to work it out – and I know he has some internal conflict with a lot of the thoughts he has – who doesn’t though I guess…. I wish it didn’t have to be that way…. like you could just be you and not have to second guess yourself – I guess not everyone has these issues…. some people seem content in strictly missionary – vanilla sex land and never think twice about their choice of activities – in a way that must be kind of nice It gets more difficult when just when you start feeling comfortable with YOU – your partner suddenly starts questioning him/herself – it seems like a vicious cycle at times…. it would help if at some point we would actually be on the same page…. right now I’m not even sure we’re reading the same book – we’ve been here so many times and I know we’ll get it together eventually….

e v e n t u a l l y

Ok well I had to get up at the crack of dawn today because Sam had to go do some kind of ride-along thing at the bus place…. it’s a long day for him – or it’s supposed to be anyway – but it’s snowing and schools are closing early so maybe he’ll get lucky and get an early dismissal too!! hey I can hope, right?? - so anyway I only woke up once today hehehe and I got another Oasis song!! Woo Hoo

Champagne Supernova ~ Oasis

how many special people change

how many lives are living strange

were were you while we were getting high?

slowly walking down the hall

faster than a cannon ball

here were you while we were getting high?

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova in the sky

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova

a champagne supernova in the sky

wake up the dawn and ask her why

a dreamer dreams she never dies

wipe that tear away now from your eye

slowly walking down the hall

faster than a cannon ball

where were you while we were getting high?

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova in the sky

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova

a champagne supernova

'cause people believe that they're

gonna get away for the summer

but you and I, we live and die

the world's still spinning round

we don't know why

why, why, why, why

how many special people change

how many lives are living strange

where were you when we while getting high?

slowly walking down the hall

faster than a cannon ball

where were you while we were getting high?

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova in the sky

some day you will find me

caught beneath the landslide

in a champagne supernova

a champagne supernova

'cause people believe that they're

gonna get away for the summer

but you and I, we live and die

the world's still spinning ‘round

we don't know why

why, why, why, why

how many special people change

how many lives are living strange

where were you while we were getting high?

we were getting high

we were getting high

we were getting high

we were getting high

drift away

Well I had wanted to continue the history lesson today but I probably won't get back to it ‘til tomorrow or Wednesday since Sam has off today and tomorrow - well sort of anyway... he has training ‘til about noon both days - I'll probably spend this morning cleaning up around here since I didn't get much done yesterday because of having to go to that birthday party - which went pretty well actually.... it was a nice quiet party, partly because most of the kids couldn't come but also since they moved upstairs they now have a playroom which I gotta say if I ever have kids that will be the first room I make - that thing is AWESOME!!! Not that I don't love the kids and all but I had such a headache yesterday and it was so nice not to be tackled and wounded and screamed at by a bunch of wild children!! Before they moved on up there were times where I practically needed a chiropractor after being at one of their parties… I don’t call that kid Spaz for nothing….

Anyway like I said I wasn’t feeling great yesterday I just couldn’t shake that headache – and it wasn’t even a migraine - once we came home and had dinner I fell right asleep in my chair watching Cold Case Files… I don’t think I made it to 8:00 – I know Sam woke me up feeding the chicks at like 9:30 and it seemed like I had been out for hours!! – when I went to bed I slept and slept ‘til like 5 when I woke up with a Metallica song in my head – and the words ‘Dyer’s Eve’ kept flashing in my head – but I know the song in my head was NOT Dyer’s Eve – I don’t even think it was off that album…. But since I didn’t have any paper near me I didn’t write it down and now I can’t seem to remember it – all I have in my head right now is a tiny little instrumental part that isn’t really helping me right now – maybe I’ll figure it out later… anyway later on when I woke up for good I had ‘Drift Away’ by Dobie Gray – who until I looked this up this morning I would say I never heard of before in my life…. Although I know the song well… so go figure… anyway here it is:

Drift Away ~ Dobie Gray (whoever that is)

day after day I'm more confused

yet I look for the light through the pourin' rain

you know thats a game that I hate to lose

and I'm feelin' the strain

ain't it a shame?

oh, gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

oh, gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

beginnin' to think that I'm waistin' time

I don't understand the things I do

the world outside looks so unkind

and I’m countin' on you

to carry me through

oh

gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

and when my mind is free

yYou know a melody can move me

and when I'm feelin blue

a guitar's comin' through to sooth me

thanks for the joy that you've given me

I want you to know that I believe in your song

your rhythm and rhyme and harmony

you've helped me along

makin' me strong

oh

gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

ohhhhhh

gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

ohhh woah woah!

gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

(oh hey hey yeah) gimme the beat, boys, and free my soul

I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and drift away

cake & sodomy

~sigh.... sounds like the makings of a very interesting weekend.... but unfortunately it's just the song I woke up with today - although I have had a bit of an anal fixation lately (something I don't usually have much interest in) ...I wonder if Sam has learned some kind of mind control hehehe
and damn I sure could go for some cake!! good thing I have spaz's birthday party to go to today!! maybe I could turn this into weekend plans after all!! I could have my cake at the party and cash in on the rest tonight!! haaaa yummm

anyway I feel bad for this kid... he's so excited about his little party and it turns out 4 of the 7 kids can't come - that leaves him with an 8 year old girl and a one year old girl and the possibility of ONE other boy his age being there - doesn't sound like much fun for him
me and my sister went in on a gift for him... I was tired from being sick and just gave her some money and said get whatever you think is best.... she comes back with a children's DICTIONARY and some educational software hehehe FUN huh? woo hoo!! - when he heard who all was coming he was upset that Sam wasn't on the list.... she told him that Sam has to work and he seemed sad... so I called him and asked him to try to make an effort to get out of work early so he can at least make an appearance.... so he did! he's such a sweetie!! - plus it's nice for me too... since he's been working weekends I've had to fly solo at all these things and I don't really like it.... even though we almost never hang together at these little get togethers - cause why would we? we see eachother all the time - we almost never see the rest of these people - right? hehehe I still like the comfort of knowing I can go over to him and steal a kiss or a hug - I just miss him when he's not there - but not today!!! he'll only be about 40 minutes late!! YEAH!!! hehehe ok well I guess I'll get on with those lyrics... and it occurs to me that I never posted yesterdays song either so after today's I'll post yesterdays as well... and either later today or sometime in the next couple days I'll continue with that history lesson....

ok today's song:

Cake and Sodomy ~ Marilyn Manson

I am the god of fuck, I am the god of fuck

virgins sold in quantity, herded by heredity

red-neck-burn-out-midwest-mind

who said date rape isn't kind

porno nation, evaluation

what's this, time for segregation

libido, libido fascination, too much oral defecation

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

time for cake and sodomy

time for cake and sodomy

I am the god of fuck, I am the god of fuck

vcr's and vaseline, tv-fucked by plastic queens

cash in hand and dick on screen

who said god was ever clean

bible belt 'round anglo waist,

putting sinners in their place

yeah, right, great if you're so good

explain the shit stains on your face

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

white trash get down on your knees

time for cake and sodomy

yesterday's song:

Knocking At Your Back Door ~ Deep Purple

sweet Lucy was a dancer

but none of us would chance her

because she was a samurai

she made electric shadows

beyond our fingertips

but none of us could reach that high

she came on like a teaser

I had to touch and please her

enjoy a little paradise

the log was in my pocket

when Lucy met the Rocket

she never knew the reason why

I can't deny it

with that smile on her face

oh - it's not the kill

it's the thrill of the chase

feel it coming

it's knocking at the door

you know it's no good running

it's not against the law

the point of no return

and now you know the score

and now you're learning

what's knockin' at your back door

sweet Nancy was so fancy

to get into her pantry

had to be the aristocracy

the members that she toyed with

at her city club

were something in diplomacy

so we put her on the hit list

of a common cunning linguist

a master of many tongues

and now she eases gently

from her Austin to her Bentley

and suddenly she feels so young

I can't deny it
with that smile on her face
it's not the kill
it's the thrill of the chase

feel it coming
it's knocking at the door
you know it's no good running
no - it's not against the law
the point of no return
now you know the score
and now you're learning
what's knockin' at your back door

hmmmm - maybe this has something to do with the sudden anal fixation hehehe

history continued

eventually the hives cleared up and I was left with the migraines…. THAT I could handle (sort of)
at least they weren’t constant!! – I was still sick a lot of the time but much more manageably so

even still I was taking this pill or that and working like 72 hours a week at this point and aside from what little quality time I spent with Sam I pretty much hated my life! Although I didn’t know it at the time I guess…. I had been keeping a journal trying to figure out my headaches and when I looked back on it years later it turns out I was practically suicidal – which makes me wonder what I’m feeling now that I don’t realize hehehe

anyway – things went on like this for quite some time… and then one day Sam was talking about going back to school – he realized that we didn’t have any money and since he was only 21 they would still take his parents income into consideration as far as financial aid goes and since they were both divorced and remarried that means 4 incomes are considered so in other words you can forget financial aid!! – unlessssss
I said ‘we could get married’ half jokingly not really expecting him to think it was a good idea…. I tend to speak before I think a lot of the time so it didn’t occur to me the fact that I would probably have been made physically ill if he flat out said ‘hell no I don’t think so’ or something hehehe – but to my half surprise he actually thought it was a good idea… and it all happened so fast it was pretty much a blur! From that day to the day of our wedding was about 7 weeks – I have to say though that if they had told us up front at the town hall that the license was only good for 6 weeks before it needed to be renewed (for a fee) I would have said lets wait on the license!! – they didn’t bother to tell us this tidbit until after we paid, so our wedding would be within the next 6 weeks…. 6 weeks to find a dress that didn’t make me puke, 6 weeks to figure out what we’d serve for food and drinks, 6 weeks to get the only judge in town to clear an hour in his schedule, 6 weeks to figure out the flowers 6 weeks to send invitations and call all the nice people who didn’t bother to RSVP – 6 weeks to make mixed tapes of all the music we wanted and assign one of our friends the job of flipping those tapes during the whole reception (making the tapes was the worst part!!) - 6 weeks to get over the guilt of asking my oldest friend over my sister to be my maid of honor – 6 weeks to discover that my grandfather ordered a tent instead of a canopy (we had the weeding outside) – if we crammed everyone we knew into a giant tent in june someone would have killed someone else or sweated to death – so that was a GREAT save on my part *pats self on back* if I didn’t realize the word tent kept being said we would have had trouble!! – anyway for anyone who has ever gotten married you would know that 6 weeks is not a lot of time even for the simplest of weddings and ours was pretty damn simple

One day me and Sam went shopping – one store one dress and BAM – I said I’m never gonna find anything better than this – it was a long stark white (ha ha) gauzy, short sleeved dress with a very LOW CUT v-neck…. very sheer, very light and airy, very pretty and very simple… ya see I’m a very casual dresser so things like slips and such don’t enter my mind…. It wasn’t until I got home and put the dress on and stood in the sun that I realized I better have something on under this dress – so we had to go back and get a slip but that was the only glitch in my wedding attire so I couldn’t complain – I fully planned to go barefoot so no shoes needed – that was nice because I HATE shoe shopping!!

At first I got a little caught up in the idea that Sam needed to wear a suit or something – I have no idea what I was thinking – if I had to look back at our wedding pictures and see him in a suit I’d never stop laughing

So I quickly got over that and we ended up wearing black jeans (my only request was that he at least wear black) so black jeans it was… and a black jimi hendrix tee shirt – someone somewhere along the lines on our wedding day convinced him he had to wear a dress shirt so he ended up wearing one of my grandfather’s white dress shirts – my grandfather is like 6’3 and my husband is about 5’7 so you can imagine how silly that looked

All I asked of my maid of honor (a girl I’ve been friends with since we held hands on the playground in kindergarten) was that she try to wear blue – which she did
The best man – a very good friend of both of us, someone I went to school with pretty much all my life and one of the sad attempts at the aforementioned 3-somes (I left his story out because it was so pathetic) hehehe – all we said was dress how you normally dress – she showed up in jeans and a leather vest (like something you would see a hippie wearing) and he had on this awesome floppy brown suede/leather hat
He was also barefoot…. BUT before the ceremony my mother (I grit my teeth as I say this) made him put a t-shirt on!! – why can’t people just mind their own business???? – what do they care if we were all fucking topless? Haaa anyway

My mother made most of the food – with the exception of the sesame chicken I had her get from the Chinese place a couple towns over… I have no idea what she made but I know that sesame chicken was there hehehe – she also made the cake, which was a chocolate cake with fresh raspberry whipped cream
I have no idea if the cake was any good… all I got of it was the tiny bit Sam stuffed in my mouth after we cut it…. we were also very nice and didn’t do the cake smearing thing – probably because I said something like if you get this cake on my pretty new dress I’ll hurt you – or something like that hehehe

Not that it mattered – within weeks of the wedding I had dyed the dress black anyway

The music was nice… it was a mix of mostly classic rock but of course we had to have some metallica, alice in chains, nirvana etc. – all I remember was that we had A LOT of Jethro Tull and Led Zeppelin
Which made me very happy!!

So the actually ceremony went pretty well… we didn’t have a rehearsal so I was pretty nervous – I do NOT do well under pressure and I absolutely hate being the center of attention so I was tapping my foot and rolling my eyes acting like this was all a huge bother to me – which of course was just my reaction to being watched so closely – if you see the video I look like a total ass and I wouldn’t have wanted to marry me at that moment!! But I guess He was just not paying attention to me at that moment – he was probably ready to throw up himself even though he says he wasn’t nervous – he is a lot better with large groups than me… I hyperventilate if I even hear there will be more that 4 people at a party haaaa (I’m exaggerating…. I think)

The whole day seemed to go pretty quickly – and was pretty much all a blur – at some point we left for our 24 hour honeymoon…. We spent a night at a local motel… when we got there this big, funny, guy who reminded me somewhat of BIG GAY AL from south park greeted us and said he didn’t realize it was a honeymoon kinda thing or they would have had champagne… that didn’t bother me because I’m not much of a drinker anyway – but he went on to say he thought he had something that might work anyway and said he’d knock on our door in a few minutes – about 5 minutes went by and we hear a knock at the door – we open it up and sure enough here is this crazy motel receptionist with a big fat joint in his hand…. We looked at eachother and then at him… grinned and grabbed that sucker out of his chubby little hand faster than you can say ‘whoa man did I just say that out loud?’ - we thanked him and probably closed the door more quickly than would be considered polite – changed our clothes went down to the quickie-mart down the road to load up on provisions… wouldn’t wanna be stuck in a motel all stoned without some munchies right? – all I had was a paper cup full of sesame chicken I had smuggled out of the reception….

So we come back with our oreos and other assorted goodies – counted up our loot (read our cards and added up our wedding gifts) – stripped and spent the rest of the night in the hot tub totally stoned watching SOUTH PARK and laughing our asses off – with the occasional awkward ‘this hot tub isn’t designed for fucking’ sex… which was actually pretty perfect because for years it was joked about that we would probably not even have sex on our wedding night because we were such an old married couple already haaa
Well we proved them wrong!! – I think we even have it on film somewhere… romantic huh?
The next day it poured so we went to the movies - we did a double feature… we saw TWISTER and The Truth About Cats & Dogs – so now every year on our anniversary we go to the movies… it’s a pretty nice tradition – especially since I love movies so much

TO BE CONTINUED….

a little history of me

well ok on the off chance that someone does come across this I'm gonna explain a little about me so that when I end up not only writing about the mystery of why I woke up with that song in my head things might make a little more sense

ok so I'm kitty (not my real name) I'm 32 - I'm married and we have no kids - we'll call him Sam for now... I have no idea why haaaa the truth is I almost never call him by his real name anyway so Sam is just as good as anything else I guess

Sam is 30 - and no I'm not necessarily into younger guys... in fact I'd hafta say at this point if I was looking for a guy I'd probably be looking for an older one... not because I have a problem with his age at all!! he's an old soul - but because other guys his age seem like total twits!! - anyway we've been together since we were teenagers and I had no idea he was 14 when I met him! - we got married in our early twenties and have been married now for going on 9 years - so anyway that's us - not really your normal average couple I guess since most people our age are not in 16 year relationships

of course the entire 16 years hasn't been easy... there have been some bumps in the road... no relationship can go along completely smooth for all eternity! but fortunately we haven't had any real major, serious problems - being with the same person for such a long time at such a young age is kinda cool... for one thing there's really not much, if anything that you don't know about this person - I mean even as teenagers we lived together quite a bit - when things weren't working out at home my mother said it would be ok if he moved in with us - we shared my bedroom and trust me that was not easy... I think it helped prepare us for the real world in some way though... cause if we could withstand that small space and the stress of the other people in the house we could get through anything!!

but on the other hand - there is really not much that this person doesn't know about you!! - we practically grew up together - I think in most situations two adults meet after having the benefit of getting to know themselves a bit before they hook up with the person they'll be spending the rest of their lives with - and if not they can kinda fake it along the way... this isn't really possible in our type of relationship

in a way the other person has had something to do with how you've turned out as an adult and how you cope with relationships

now - about me.... I seem to have something I call doormat syndrome - I'm the one everyone calls for advice and help with this that or the other - even when they don't outright ask for help I go and offer it up - and I often end up resenting someone for the extra work in the end - something about myself that I really don't appreciate!! I'm also the type of person who was always smoothing things out - if there was tension in the house I would be trying to make everyone relax somehow - I've been like this all my life - I remember instances of this when I was as young as 5 - not that there is anything wrong with this necessarily.... but I grew up with someone who you could probably best describe as the squeaky wheel... we didn't get along great and I think that was because she got so much more attention than me... even though I was always trying to make everything pleasant and she was often the one making things unpleasant - I always felt like she was the pretty one, she was the smart one, she was the thin one - I felt like the dumb, slow witted, chubby one - it seemed like everyone liked her more than me - even my friends would come over and end up hanging out with her instead of me... because she was the fun one too... I wanted to watch a movie or play a game and she wanted to sneak out and egg cars or whatever (I have no idea what she did that was so much more fun actually hehehe)

anyway until Sam came along that was pretty much the story of my life.... - he has never made me feel like he would prefer to be with anyone other than me at any time!! - aside from him I only have one other friend who I have ever been able to spend more than a few hours with without wanting to either pull their hair out or mine - so a long time ago I determined he was a keeper!! and as luck would have it I guess he decided the same thing about me.... he has never made me feel stupid or ugly or unworthy of attention or love - and he has never intentionally tried to take advantage of my 'giving nature'

ok trust me I'm actually going somewhere with this... I do tend to get sidetracked - but I'm gonna go into a flashback of our early years now and this bit of story will tie into where I am now

so we've determined I have a need for acceptance and I have this so-called doormat syndrome... so flash to me at 16 or so I have this great guy (ok so maybe his greatness was yet to be discovered fully) all I knew was that I did not want to lose him - nobody else I had ever been with meant much to me - of course I WAS only a kid but that was beside the point at the time hehehe so it's very much in my nature to want to please people - mostly close people - and he was/is the closest person in my life - he in his teenage wisdom or horniness or whatever (turns out to just be part of his nature which we'll figure out later) decided one day that he would like to have a 3-some - this took some encouragement on his part but probably not a whole lot... this was NOT something I had the least bit of interest in but being the kind of person I am I went a long with it - me, him and a friend of his.... I won't get into details except to say that I didn't allow the friend to have anything but my mouth... Sam had an all access pass - this happened a few times and again a couple times with girls... one being an ex of his I won't get into that either - but me and the girls didn't do anything together - it was more like a tag team effort all for him - I know... lucky little fucker right? not too many 15 year old boys back then were so lucky I'm sure - I hear nowadays it's a whole other world which scares the crap outta me and may be part of why I have no kids haaaa but anyway.... after a few stabs at this idea of his I decided to tell him I really didn't want to do it anymore and stick to my guns! this actually was a big deal for me - never once while I was participating in any of this did I feel like I was compromising anything, any part of ME - but I felt like if I did it again I would be - it just was not something I enjoyed and it had to stop.... I'm sure this was somewhat disappointing to him but he respects me enough to not make me feel bad about it - these events in my life actually probably say a lot about me and us so I just wanted to get that out there

there was a period in our relationship where it seems I did anything and everything I could to drive him away... I was mean and nasty and a total bitch- to tell ya the truth I have NO idea why he stayed around - I don't think I realized at the time that I was testing him but I'm sure that was what I was doing and this went on for quite some time... if I had to guess I'd say it was more than a year .... if I asked him about it now he would probably say he has no idea why he put up with it either - but at this point we were very much like an old married couple... my guess would be he smoked a lot of pot and held out for the occasional blow job - but anyway whatever his reasons were I'm very glad he stuck it out!! - one day I woke up and I realized that I love this person and I'm hurting him and probably fucking him up emotionally and it just clicked and although I had some habits that were hard to break I did grow out of the testing him phase

which brings us to the "dry spell" - there was a period in my late teens/early twenties where I had really bad migraines like more than once a week - blinding, crippling, nauseating, life altering migraines... now to top this off during this time I also had an outbreak of hives that lasted about 6 months... I had no idea what was causing them (it turned out to be stress) so imagine me... in mind numbing pain, swollen all over and itching from head to toe with hives... taking 3 different kinds of medications to try to take the edge off of all this - medications that cause certain physical reactions that make sex uncomfortable for one (hence the 'dry' spell) - not to mention that I of course couldn't feel less like having sex if I had a hot poker in my eye - this all must have been extremely frustrating to poor Sam - I mean I looked like a monster!! and I must have been unpleasant to be around - I looked and felt miserable most of the time - I wasn't keeping track but I bet he could tell you probably in single digits the number of times we had sex in that 6 month period!! now he had no way of knowing this would ever end and who knows what would have happened if it didn't but he bit his lip and sucked it up for 6 LONG months - with very little complaint... we weren't married.... he wasn't stuck with me but he stuck it out because he loves me - it couldn't have been easy - especially since he was in his late teens (you know how teenage guys are!!) AND this was so soon after my testing phase

this is actually taking longer than I expected - probably because I'm saying more than I planned on saying - I'll hafta continue this tomorrow

first things first

well first I'm gonna write about my morning songs then I have some other stuff I wanna try to work out here in another post - as usual I had my early morning pee break song and my up for good song - today's first song was Morning Glory by Oasis - I'm pretty sure I haven't heard this song any time real recently - I LOVE Oasis... which is odd because normally it's the kind f music I would shake my head at but the first time I heard them I was mesmerized - there is just something about them. - the second song is called The Widow by Mars Volta - I had never heard this song before until about a week ago - normally it takes me a while to warm up to new music but I instantly fell in love with this song!! - some day I'll remember how to post MP3's so I can have more than just the lyrics here but for now the lyrics will have to do - they are most likely where the key to the mystery lies anyway

Morning Glory ~ Oasis

all your dreams are made

when you're chained to your mirror with your razor blade

today's the day that all the world will see

another sunny afternoon

I'm walking to the sound of your favorite tune

tomorrow never knows what it doesn't know too soon

need a little time to wake up

need a little time to wake up wake up

need a little time to wake up

need a little time to rest your mind

you know you should so I guess you might as well

what's the story morning glory

well

you need a little time to wake up

wake up well

what's the story morning glory

well

need a little time to wake up

wake up

'cos all your dreams are made

now you're chained to the mirror with your razor blade

today's the day that all the world will see

it's another sunny afternoon

yeah I'm walking to the sound of my favorite tune

tomorrow doesn't know what it doesn't know too soon

need a little time to wake up

need a little time to wake up

need a little time to wake up

need a little time to rest your mind

you know you should so I guess that you might as well

what's the story morning glory

well

need a little time to wake up, wake up

well

what's the story morning glory

well

need a little time to wake up, wake up

well

what's the story morning glory

well

need a little time to wake up, wake up

well

what's the story morning glory

well?

The Widow ~ Mars Volta

He's got fasting black lungs

made of clove splintered shards

they're the kind that will talk

through a wheezing of coughs

and I hear him every night in every pore

and every time you just makes me long

breathes without an answer

free from all the shame

must I hide

cause I'll never

never sleep alone

look at how they flock to him

from an aisle of open sores

He knows that the taste is such

is such to die for

and I hear him every night

on every street

the scales that do sliver deliver me from

breathes without an answer

free from all the shame

then I'll hide cause I'll never

never sleep alone

said I

said I

said I

said I'm blood shot for sure

He'll ride the ghost

'til I'm

'til I'm swollen on the shore

swollen on the shore

every night in every pore

the scales that do sliver deliver me from

breathes without an answer

free from all the shame

then I'll hide

'cause I'll never

never sleep alone

breathes without an answer

free from all the shame

let me die

'cause I'll never

never sleep alone